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Food (FW)
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霍伯桑
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FREEZER FOODS


 ICE CREAM
If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.


 FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.



IN THE FRIDGE


 EGGS

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

 DAIRY PRODUCTS

 Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

 Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

 Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

 Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!


 MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.


 UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. E_M_P_T_Y ! ! !



ON THE SHELF


 CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.


 POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,leafy undergrowth.


* *  THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).


 BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.


 CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.


 FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.


 PRETZELS
Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.


 RAISINS
Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.


 SALT
It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.


 SPICES
Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.


 VINEGAR
If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.



EXPIRATION DATES

This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
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專給住在美加地區的人仕看的
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不曾在美加地區住過的棧友,可能看來有點兒吃力了。霍伯桑於此特別致歉。

並不是我有意貼這種畫分界線的文字。而是看來是笑話的故事背後,百分之八十都是真的。與其一板一眼地把這些生活中的疏失提出來,可能不如當笑話看,容易教人坦然接受。


雖然美加的生活資源十分豐富,平均收入也算不錯。但是只要住得久一點的都知道,富足的表面下,潛藏的是驚人的節檢本質。幾乎每個家庭都會在大減價期間堆積一些減價品;每個家庭都會培養出捨不得丟東西的習慣。

拿用過的舊東西賣給別人,進而討價還價,在這兒來說,是天經地義的事。
這種拿自己用舊的東西賣錢,路上看到別人丟棄的東西,撿回來廢物利用不算,還引沾沾自喜引以為榮地昭告天下,這種事在我們中國傳統的觀念來說,簡直是叫花子行逕。但是在這個國家的人來說,則認為是務實,是簡省的美德。

花大把銀子買了一大堆食物回來,擺著慢慢吃也就算了。放著新鮮的不吃不用,撿舊的、老的、快要壞的來吃的人比比皆是。這種守財奴的做法,實在讓人看來覺得十分不以為然。
這篇笑話就是針對這些事實,做一些教說。


國人心中羨慕的「有錢的美國人」,或說是「住在美國的人有錢」的背後,除了勤奮,還得要如此這般的刻苦。這,則是非為親身經歷者,無法道言的了。

與其把這篇「笑話」當笑話來笑話左右的老美,倒不如拿它來當在美居家生活的常識,要實際得多。
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