人際關係篇--開欄文：討人喜的5秒鐘聊天撇步-Alessia Fransisca - 時事論壇

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人際關係篇--開欄文：討人喜的5秒鐘聊天撇步-Alessia Fransisca
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這篇文章的體裁近於「程序書」：它一步一步的教人「怎麼溝通」；讀起來會有一些吃力，看官自己需要下點融會貫通的功夫。在現代社會中，跟周遭的人建立一個和諧、互信的連結(良好關係)，會是一個挺有幫助的生存技能。下文做了原則性的提示；相信本城市的訪客都有舉一反三的能力。

這篇文章可以跟《改變個性的步驟》一文參照；後者也提到：「內向型個性」和「排隊等候情境」。

The 5-Second Conversation Hack That Makes People Instantly Like You

A Social Psychologist’s Secret to Effortless Connection

Alessia Fransisca, 02/10/25

“Anchor Their Emotions” in 5 Seconds

What It Is:

Use a micro-observation + light vulnerability to spark instant rapport.

Why It Works:

1) Dale Carnegie Principle: People crave feeling interesting, not impressed.
2) Neuroscience: Vulnerability triggers oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) in both parties.
3) Speed: First impressions form in 7 seconds — this hack front-loads connection.

Formula (公式):

“[Specific observation about them/context] + [Playful self-disclosure]”

Real-Life Examples

1. At a Work Event

Them (對方): Standing alone, checking their phone.
You: “I’ve been staring at the snack table for 10 minutes — debating if pineapple belongs on pizza. What’s your controversial food take?”

Why it works:

Observation: Notices their isolation (without judgment).
Vulnerability: Admits awkwardness.
Invites play: Sparks a low-stakes debate.

2. On a First Date

Them: Wearing a band T-shirt. (印有某個樂團標誌的圓領衫)
You: “I see your [band name] shirt — I saw them live once and cried during the ballad. No shame.”

Why it works:

* Shows attention: Proves you noticed details.
* Shared humanity (人性): Embarrassing stories = instant relatability.

3. With a Stranger

Them: Waiting in line, sighing impatiently.
You: “If this line takes longer, I might start singing show tunes. Fair warning.”

Why it works:

* Mirrors (反映) their emotion (frustration) → validation (肯定對方情緒).
* Humor disarms (減低對方戒心): Signals you’re safe to engage with.

The Science of Speed-Connection

* The “Halo Effect”: A positive first impression makes people overlook later flaws.
* Nonverbal Syncing (同步互動) : Matching their tone/energy in 5 seconds builds subconscious trust.
* The 55–38–7 Rule: 55% of likability comes from body language, 38% from tone, and 7% from words. (1)

Pro Tip: Pair your verbal hack with:

* Open posture (uncrossed arms) (開放式體態)
* Warm vocal tone (slightly lower pitch) (低音)
* Micro-smile (eyes crinkle, not just lips) (嘴角之外，眼角也在微笑)

When to Use It (and When to Avoid)

Best For:

* Networking events, dates, and meetings with strangers.
* Breaking tension in awkward silences.

Avoid (注意「情境」的適用性):

* Crises (e.g., someone’s upset).
* Formal settings require strict professionalism.

Your 24-Hr Challenge (知行合一)

1) Pick 3 interactions today (barista, coworker, friend).
2) Use the formula (以上第1節中的「公式」): Observation + light vulnerability.
3) Note their reaction: Did they smile longer? Engage more? (觀察對方的反應)

“But I’m introverted!” (如果你的個性是內向型) → Start with low-risk people (e.g., grocery cashier: “I’ve bought so much ice cream, you’re my witness now.”). (超商或超市員工通常比較友善，至少不會很嚴肅或排斥)

CTA (請回饋/請幫忙): Tag Your Socially Savvy Friend

*  Clap (點讚) if you’ve ever blanked during small talk (we’ve all been there).
*  Comment your go-to icebreaker — or try the hack and report back!
*  Follow for part 2: How to Turn “Nice to Meet You” into “Let’s Collaborate.” (把「很高興認識你」轉化成：「咱倆一起幹」)

附註：

1. 我在職場學到一個很重要的溝通原則：你「怎麼說」遠比：你「說些什麼」重要得多。

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相關資訊：

Relationships
Communication Skills
Social Psychology
Networking
Emotional Intelligence

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拿破崙5個深刻的觀察 -- Tom Addison
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初三以前拿破崙曾是我最崇拜的「英雄」之一。後來在高語和先生翻譯的《拿破崙傳》中，看到他大封諸弟的事，以及「他是革命之子，後來卻背叛了革命」這個評論(大意如此)，改變了我對他的看法。

由於對拿破崙的興趣，出國後我對法國大革命這段歷史下了一些功夫；大概讀了四、五本以它為主題的書。包括觀點甚為相左一些學者的著作。這是我後來得到：「凡論述必有前提；凡判斷必有立場」這個結論思路來源之一。

5 Uncomfortable, Ruthless Truths on Human Psychology from Napoleon Bonaparte

1. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

Tom Addison,, 05/28/25

Napoleon Bonaparte was a genius of war and strategy, and the leader of one of the greatest empires ever.

He was also a ruthless genius on the dark side of human psychology.

Are some of the lessons he left us brutal? Yes.

Yet simultaneously, they’re timeless.

However, as brutal as some of Napoleon’s quotes may seem on the surface are, they’re also pretty damn accurate!

So, let’s get into it.

Here are 5 ruthless quotes from Napoleon Bonaparte…

1. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

Sometimes, the smartest thing to do is to sit back, stay quiet, and let one’s opponent keep going.

Don’t jump in and interfere or let them realise their mistakes, remain disciplined, and let things unfold.

Using force isn’t always the best action to take.

Instead, an awful lot of the time, you win by waiting, remaining disciplined, and adopting a long-term thinking strategy.

2. “The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.” (「輕諾必寡信」)

Want to avoid breaking a promise?

Easy.

Don’t make one in the first place.

As soon as you give your word, people become expectant, and you risk not being able to follow through.

The moment you don’t follow through, which could be down to a vast range of circumstances out of your control, you’re in trouble.

The key takeaway here is:

Don’t commit to please other people and gain the popular vote.
Commit when you know you can deliver.

3. “Men are moved by two levers only: fear and self-interest.”

A lot of the decisions we make as human beings boil down to two questions:

What do I fear? And,

What’s in it for me?

We do everything we can to avoid pain, failure, and loss.

And the truth is, and as harsh as it sounds, we humans are selfish creatures.

Subconsciously (or consciously) we always want to know how we can benefit.

We want to know how to gain power, status, and satisfaction from a situation.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Not always. That’s just who we are.

4. “The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you know.”

Be careful of the people who always agree with you and say yes to everything you do and ask of them.

Why?

Because they’re the most dangerous.

Don’t fear the honest. Fear the pretenders.

Fear those who don’t speak up when you ask or need them to.

5. “There is no place in a fanatic’s head where reason can enter.”

It’s impossible to reason with the unreasonable, and you can’t open a locked door when you don’t have a key.

You also can’t convince the inconvincible.

Trying to reach people who can’t be reached is a monumental waste of time and energy.

When you hit the wall with someone who has no interest in listening to any form of reason, walk away and don’t look back.

Sometimes, walking away is wiser than trying to win with logic because logic doesn’t work with certain people, and never will.

Which is your favourite quote on this list?

Written by Tom Addison

I write about personal development, books, and key life lessons I learn. Please, feel free to subscribe if you so desire!

Thank you for reading this article and spending your most precious asset on me — your time.

I appreciate it, and I hope to see you again soon!

Want to be notified whenever I publish a new article? Click here.

Also, become part of a growing community and subscribe to my Substack for absolutely free!

Read short and uplifting articles here to help you shift your thought, so you can see real change in your life and health.

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7個讓你避免「早知如此」撇步 – Victor Mong
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如果我們深思，很可能想到和下面7個「撇步」對應的中文俗話或成語。各位不妨來個「腦筋急轉彎」；看看自己還有多少中學時代學到的東西沒還給父母、老師。這

7 Unpopular “Cheat Codes” for Dealing with People That Will Save You from Future Regret

Victor Mong, 06/02/25

There are things I learned the hard way—things I wish someone had taught me earlier in life. I used to think being kind, open, and helpful was the golden formula. But as it turns out, that’s only part of the truth.

Sometimes life teaches you through betrayal, manipulation, and loss. And somewhere along the way, you discover these weird little cheat codes. They don’t make you cold. They make you smart.

They’re not in any textbook, but they work in the real world. I call them harmless tricks that feel like shields. When you start using them, you lose fewer nights to regret.

Here are 7.

If You Pay Evil for Evil, They Leave You Alone

I learned this one in my twenties. I used to be the “turn-the-other-cheek” type. Always smiling. Always forgiving. Always ready to give people second, third, and fourth chances.

I thought that was the right thing to do. I believed that if I just stayed kind long enough, people would change.

But the truth is, some people take your kindness as a weakness.

One day, someone pushed too far. He ignored me, used me, disrespected me, over and over. And finally, I stopped playing nice.

I didn’t argue. I didn’t yell. I just mirrored his behavior. I gave cold replies. Delayed responses. Low energy. The same distance he gave me, I gave right back.

And just like that, he disappeared.

No drama. No blowup. He simply lost interest when he could no longer control the game.

Here’s the thing: not every fire can be put out with water. Some fires want to burn for attention. The moment you stop fueling them, they go out.

Sometimes the best way to protect your peace isn’t kindness—it’s reflection. Show them what they showed you. Then step away.

Lend Small Money to Financially Irresponsible People (on Purpose)

Let me say this clearly: this isn’t financial advice. This is psychological defense.

We all have people around us who always seem to be broke. There’s always an “emergency.” A story. A guilt trip. A well-timed sob tale.

You want to help, because you’re a good person. But deep down, you feel something isn’t right.

Here’s the trick: lend them a small amount. $5. $10. $17. Something that feels generous—but won’t hurt you if it never comes back.

Then sit back and observe.

They’ll start avoiding you. Ignoring your messages. Offering excuses like, “I’ve been busy,” or “I’ll get back to you soon.”

Some will even get defensive, or flip the story to make you feel guilty. They think they played you. But they played themselves.

Because now you know.

You didn’t lose $5—you paid to see the truth. You avoided the bigger hit: $50, $1k, $5k or a wrecked business, or a destroyed friendship that would’ve cost far more.

You just paid a small fee to escape a lifetime of bigger losses.

This isn’t just about money. You can do the same with trust. Give a little. Share something small. Then watch how they treat it.

If they fail the test early, you just dodged a future disaster. That’s the cheat code.

Never Reveal the Engine That Feeds You

Your source of income is your spine. Your protection. Your escape route. Your sovereignty.

It’s what keeps you from begging. From settling. From staying where you don’t belong.

Once people get a glimpse of what you earn—your side gigs, your freelance work, your promotion, your business wins—everything changes.

You stop being seen as a person, and start being seen as a walking opportunity.

They might not ask for money right away. But watch closely. The expectations creep in. They’ll suggest “investments,” pitch their ideas, ask for help “just this once,” or assume you’ll cover the bill.

Some might resent you quietly. Others will test your boundaries.

It’s not always malicious. Sometimes it’s subconscious. And before you know it, the thing that fed you is now bleeding out through tiny holes you didn’t even see coming.

So protect it. Don’t brag. Don’t explain more than necessary. Keep it clean, professional, vague. Say things are “going okay.” Then switch the subject.

Let people see the fruits of your work, not the roots. Your income source is not group property. It doesn’t need validation.

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Stop Editing It

People don’t lie to you once. They lie in patterns. They hurt in patterns. And the truth always leaks out early—quietly.

Watch how they act when they’re angry. Do they go silent and punish you? Do they shout and blame? Do they throw low blows just to win the argument?

Watch what they do when you say “no.” Do they respect your boundary—or push harder, guilt-trip you, or withdraw love?

These moments are gold. They’re not glitches. They’re previews of who the person really is.

But instead of facing it, our mind tries to protect us. It builds excuses for them. “They’re going through a lot.” “They’re not usually like this.”

We think that if we just say the right words, if we explain it better, they’ll change. They’ll see the light. They’ll treat us better.

Just like that, you rewrite the story. You soften the edges. You remove the parts that scare you.

You create a version of them that feels safer than the one standing in front of you. But it’s not real.

That’s the danger. We fall in love with the edited version of people. We trust the version we wish they were. And in doing so, we ignore the facts.

But real maturity starts when you stop doing that.

When someone lies, cheats, disrespects you, or makes you feel small — take it seriously. You don’t explain it away.

You collect the data. You believe the pattern. And most importantly, you stop negotiating with it.

People don’t change because you explain things better. They change when they decide to. Until then, your best move is to quietly watch.

The question is, will you see it… or will you keep rewriting the script until it breaks you?

Protect Your Privacy Like It’s a Bank Account

Think of your privacy like a bank account. Every piece of personal information you give away is like handing out your PIN code — small at first, but risky over time.

The more people know about your life—your plans, your struggles, your wins, your income, your relationships—the more control they can have over you.

Not always out of malice. Sometimes out of curiosity. But often, out of envy, gossip, or quiet competition.

People talk. They twist details. They overshare what wasn’t theirs to share. And before you know it, parts of your life are floating around in places you never gave permission.

Oversharing often feels good in the moment—it creates a sense of closeness. But real trust doesn’t come from telling people everything. It comes from knowing what not to say, and who’s truly earned access.

Keep your inner world guarded. Not hidden out of fear, but protected out of wisdom. Learn to enjoy your silence. Move quietly. Win quietly. Heal quietly.

If something in your life is still growing—like a new goal, a relationship, a business idea—don’t expose it too early. Don’t hand people the blueprint before the building is ready.

The fewer people who know your business, the fewer who can use it against you.

Privacy doesn’t mean isolation. It means control. And in a nosy world — that’s power.

Give Without Strings, or Don’t Give at Al

Giving should come from a place of clarity, not control. If you’re offering help, money, support, or time, make sure you’re doing it freely without hidden expectations.

Too often, people give hoping to be loved more, respected more, or remembered later. They don’t say it out loud, but deep down, they expect a return. A thank-you. A favor back. Loyalty. Something.

And when they don’t get it, they feel used. Hurt. Angry. Betrayed. That pain doesn’t come from what they did. It comes from what you expected.

The truth is, giving with strings isn’t kindness. It’s a quiet form of manipulation. It’s trying to buy an outcome without saying so.

So here’s the rule: If you can’t give without needing something back, don’t give at all.

Keep your time, money, energy. It’s better to say no than to give and grow bitter.

If you do give, let it go completely. What they do with your help is on them. Your job is done.

This mindset saves you from resentment. It keeps your giving clean. And most importantly, it keeps your peace intact.

Give like no one owes you anything in return—because when you expect nothing, you lose nothing. And that’s how you stay free.

Watch How They Treat Powerless People

If you want to understand someone’s character, don’t watch how they treat you—watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them.

It’s easy to be kind to a boss. To be charming on a date. To smile at someone with status, money, or influence.

But real character shows up in quiet moments: how they talk to the waiter, the cleaner, the driver.

How they treat the person behind the counter. The one who’s tired. Invisible. Disposable.

If someone is rude to people in “lower” positions, it’s not a personality quirk — it’s a warning.

They’ve just shown you how they’ll treat you once they no longer need you.

Because respect that depends on status is not respect. It’s a game. And once the game ends, their true nature steps in.

Kindness to the powerless is one of the purest forms of integrity. It’s not done for gain or applause; t’s done because it’s right.

So watch closely. Listen when they snap at someone who made a mistake. When they mock someone for being slow. When they treat people like tools.

That’s not “just how they are.” That’s who they are. Believe it.

Final Thought

These aren’t hacks for manipulating people. They’re silent boundaries. Mental life vests.

The world is full of beautiful people and a few emotional pickpockets. The sooner you learn how to protect your time, energy, and peace, the less regret you’ll carry later.

You don’t need to be mean. You don’t need to ghost everyone. You just need to understand: life is too short to be everyone’s therapist, lender, or emotional dumpster.

Keep your peace.

That’s the real cheat code.

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9個男、女交往時亮起的紅燈 - Jane Francis
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我讀完前三項時，覺得下文作者的英文有問題；因為她每段話的第一句不符合文法規則，意思也不完整。讀到第四項時，才了解作者省略掉這個片語：”It’s a red flag …”。其它句子也常常沒有遵守傳統文法規則；如果讀起來怪怪的，不是因為你的英文程度差，而是由於作者文風新潮(怪異？) -- 我對少數文字做了些高中生都能做的編輯工作。

If Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Does Or Says These 9 Things, Dump Them. ( call it a quit)

I was in this particular type of relationship for 7 months.

Jane Francis, 05/22/25

I did all I could to make the relationship work, I gave him my full attention, and we talked about the future. We discussed how many kids we were going to have. Even met with his family members. I was dedicated and gave him my all.

6 months later, I discovered that the dude was building a family elsewhere, and this came after I became suspicious because his attitude changed.

Now, finally making myself the priority, I don’t want to allow anybody who doesn’t know what they want to break me down. I refused to be treated as an option.

As a man/woman don’t allow anybody to treat you like their second option or plan b, because they will one day break your heart. You should have control over your heart.

In as much as you’ve loved that person and believed that they’re the one for you, and you've had the best time together with them. But then you later find out that you both are incompatible. It is good for you to quit and don’t panic because you will eventually find another who will make you happy and better.

Don’t settle for someone who treats you like nothing and don’t be blinded by love, such that you are always ready to forgive them. If they do these 9 things, don’t hesitate, just leave them.

1. If they always lie to you or manipulate you to start doubting yourself in everything.

When they lie a lot or anything they say always feels like a lie to you, because they are used to it. This can affect you emotionally. You know that deep down they are denying what they did, but they kept lying because they’ve made it a habit.

2. If they still keep their ex. (請聽這首歌：Looking out my window Through the pain)

They might still be dealing with their ex over an issue or they might still haven’t gotten over each other. They should not expect you to wait for them. You are supposed to be a priority now, not an option.

3. If they insist repeatedly that you try things that discomfort you.

When they can not accept that your no is a no. You’ve made known to them how you get irritated by those things, yet they kept insisting that you do it. It means that they’re not doing it for love, they just want to be controlling you.

4. When they don’t believe in your dreams.

When they want to limit you for their selfish reasons. You wouldn’t want to displease yourself just to appease them with their shallow-minded attitude.

5. If they have anger issues.

When they are abusive both physically and verbally. If they are not eager or capable of controlling their anger and resort to shouting at you all the time, it is a sign of violence, and you should walk away as early as possible.

6. If they always get lost staring at every girl/boy passing by.

If they always make lustful comments about any person they meet or stare at. That means they don’t have respect for you or the person. You shouldn’t be associated with such low-value type of persons.

7. When they’re too busy to be with you or call you during your hard times.

If they aren’t there for you during your worst moment, and when you contact them, they bump you with excuses upon excuses. Well! They should go ahead and do what pleases them. But make sure to make a proper decision about this.

8. When they secretly monitor your every movement or try to make you accountable to them.

They want to micromanage you by trying to make it known to you that you should get permission from them for everything.

9. When they keep threatening to break up with you.

They blackmail you or keep reminding you of your last mistakes in your previous relationships, and you start feeling some chronic loneliness. Well! That’s not what you want or need all through your life in a relationship.

In nutshell.

These are all the red flags that you must never ignore, and the earlier you quit, the better for you. There are more than 1 billion people on earth, one day you will find the one that will suit your ambition, beliefs, values, and strength.

Written by Jane Francis

I am a Content writer, Freelancer, Mom, and Wife. I share valuable information on dating, love, life, self-improvement, and relationships. Feel free to follow.

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愛的真諦？ -- Victor Mong
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是耶？非耶？你決定！

8 Brutal Truths About Love That Will Change How You Think

Victor Mong, 04/02/25

Most people don’t want to hear the truth about love. They want a fairytale. A perfectly scripted romance where two people meet, fall in love, and somehow, magically, everything just works.

But real love isn’t built on fantasies. It’s shaped by truth, and sometimes, those truths are hard to accept.

The sooner you face the brutal truths, the sooner you’ll stop screwing up your love life.

Here are eight truths that changed how I see love forever. They might piss you off. Or they might just save you.

When a man ends up with a woman he needs to tame, it is often because he has not tamed himself.

Men often complain about difficult women — the drama, the arguments, the unpredictability.

They say they want a woman who gives them peace, but somehow, they keep finding themselves in relationships filled with chaos.

The real question isn’t “Why is she like this?” The real question is “Why do you keep attracting this?”

The truth is, a man who finds himself with chaotic, reckless and ill-mannered women hasn’t done the hard work of mastering himself.

When he sees a wild, untamed, and impulsive woman, he doesn’t see a red flag, he sees a challenge.

He convinces himself that if he can be the one to calm her, change her, or “tame” her, he has achieved something. It means he’s strong, capable, and worthy.

What he doesn’t realize is that his need to “fix” someone else is really about himself. He’s a man at war with his own emotion.

That’s why he’ll always fall for a woman who mirrors his inner turmoil and unresolved wounds.

As a rule, people attract what they are, not what they want.

If a man is unstable, insecure, or uncertain, he’ll find a woman who amplifies those same qualities.

But a man who has mastered himself, a man who has conquered his own fears, insecurities, and need for control — doesn’t chase after a wild woman, hoping to tame her.

He doesn’t look for someone to fix. He doesn’t see love as a battleground. He doesn’t feel the need to prove his worth by controlling another person.

You don’t need to tame someone else. If you find yourself trying to tame a woman, you need to tame yourself first.

If someone truly loves you, they will not put you in a position where you have to prove it.

Love does not a test. It’s not an obstacle course where you have to jump through hoops, pass challenges, and prove that you’re “worthy” of someone’s affection.

If a person constantly questions your love, sets traps to see if you’ll chase them, or makes you feel like you’re always one mistake away from losing them, they don’t love you.

Most people think that if they just tried harder, if they showed more patience, more commitment, more sacrifice, then maybe, just maybe, they’d finally get the love they deserved. But that’s the trick, isn’t it?

The more you chase, the more they move the goalpost. The rules change. The expectations rise. And before you know it, you’re exhausted, emotionally drained, and questioning your own worth.

Real love doesn’t operate like that. It doesn’t demand proof. It doesn’t force you to constantly convince someone that you are good enough.

When someone loves you, they make you feel safe, not tested. Chosen, not challenged. Wanted, not weighed on a scale.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you are always proving your love, step back and ask yourself: Is this love? Or is it just control wrapped in pretty words?

People don’t leave relationships because they’re unhappy. They leave because they don’t see hope for change.

People don’t leave relationships because they’re unhappy. They leave because they don’t see hope for change.

This one took me years to understand.

I used to think breakups happened because one or both people were miserable. That if someone walked away, it meant they were suffering, tired, or just didn’t love their partner anymore. But that’s not how it works.

The truth is, people can tolerate unhappiness for a long time—sometimes years, even decades—if they believe things will get better.

They stay through the fights, the distance, the disappointments, as long as there’s hope. But once that hope disappears it’s over.

People don’t leave because they’re struggling. They leave when they realize nothing will change—when they’ve had the same argument for the hundredth time, when their needs have been ignored for too long, when they see a future where they will always feel unseen, unloved, or unfulfilled.

Hopelessness is the real relationship killer.

If your partner is pulling away, don’t assume they’re just “having a bad day.” Ask yourself: Have they lost hope?

Do they still believe this relationship can grow?

Because once hope is gone, no amount of love, apologies, or promises can bring it back.

How someone treats you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

When someone hurts you, when they cheat, lie, belittle you, or shut you out, it’s easy to take it personally.

You start wonder what you did wrong. You ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?”

But the truth is, their behavior has nothing to do with you. In reality, it has everything to do with them.

People project their inner world onto others. A person who is full of self-love, secure, and at peace with themselves will treat you with kindness and respect.

They’ll not manipulate you, ghost you, or play mind games. They don’t test you to see if you care. They don’t withhold love to gain power.

But a person who is drowning in self-hatred, insecurities, or unhealed trauma will offload that pain onto you.

I once dated someone who was impossible to please. No matter what I did—no matter how much I showed up, reassured her, or tried to be the perfect partner—it was never enough.

She’d criticized everything, picked fights over nothing, and made me feel like I was always failing. Then I realized: She treated herself the exact same way.

She was her own worst critic. She doubted herself constantly. She never felt good enough. And because she carried that energy inside her, she spread it to everyone around her, especially me.

People only love you at the level they love themselves. If they’re kind to themselves, they’ll be kind to you. If they’re full of self-loathing, that’s what you’ll get.

So when someone mistreats you, ask yourself: Is this about me? Or is this just a mirror of how they feel about themselves?

No one can “complete” you, and believing they can will ruin your relationships.

We’ve been sold a lie.

Movies, love songs, and fairy tales all push the idea that true love will complete you. That if you just find the right person, all your loneliness, insecurities, and fears will magically disappear.

I used to believe this. I thought love was about finding my missing piece, that someone else would fix the emptiness inside me.

But you know what happened? I put impossible pressure on every relationship.

When you expect someone to complete you, you turn them into your emotional life support.

You start demanding too much—too much validation, too much reassurance, too much energy. And when they can’t meet those expectations (because no one can), you feel let down, resentful, and empty all over again.

People are not medicine. They are not meant to heal your wounds or fix your insecurities. No one can give you what you refuse to give yourself. That’s your job.

A healthy relationship is not two broken people trying to save each other. It’s two whole people choosing to walk together.

A relationship should be two whole people coming together—not two broken halves trying to create a whole.

When you build love from a place of need, it suffocates. But when you build love from a place of wholeness, it thrives.

Don’t look for someone to complete you. Complete yourself first. Then love will be a choice, not a desperate need.

The way a person loves you depends on their relationship with pain. (請聽這首歌：Cold Cold Heart，附歌詞)

Love is not just shaped by joy; it’s also shaped by pain.

People don’t love in a vacuum. They love through the lens of their past wounds, heartbreaks, and betrayals.

The way someone treats you in love is deeply connected to how they’ve experienced pain and more importantly, how they’ve dealt with it.

I learned this the hard way.

I once loved someone who kept me at arm’s length, even though I could feel she cared. She would pull me in, only to push me away when things got too close. It made no sense. Why would someone sabotage something good? But she wasn’t rejecting me; she was only protecting herself.

She had been hurt before. And instead of facing that pain, she built walls around her heart.

She convinced herself that love was dangerous, that it always ended in heartbreak. So she loved me the only way she knew how—with one foot out the door.

Some people fear losing love so much that they never fully embrace it. Some have been so wounded that they confuse chaos with passion. Others have only ever known conditional love, so they struggle to accept it freely.

If you want to understand how someone loves you, look at how they’ve handled pain.

Have they healed? Have they grown? Or are they still carrying scars that shape how they see love?

Because love is not just about what we give. It’s about what we’ve survived.

The person you choose to love is either your greatest blessing or your greatest curse.

Love isn’t neutral. It can build you up or tear you down. It’s never just “fine” or “okay.”

The person you choose to love will either push you toward your highest potential or slowly destroy you from the inside out.

I’ve seen both.

I’ve been in love with someone who felt like a home I never knew I needed; a person who brought out my best self, who challenged me but never belittled me, who made life feel lighter.

Being with her felt like putting down a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying.

I’ve also loved someone who drained me. A person who turned every moment into a battlefield, where love felt more like a test than a safe space.

One day I’d feel like the most important person in the world; the next, I’d wonder if I even mattered. She was a storm I kept chasing, thinking one day she’d calm down. She never did.

The truth is, who you choose to love will shape your entire life.

A good partner will make you feel capable, inspired, and understood. A bad one will make you doubt yourself, shrink your dreams, and question your own worth.

So choose wisely. Because the love you accept will either be your greatest gift or the weight that slowly breaks you.

Love is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.

Love isn’t about searching for the perfect person who will magically complete you. It’s about becoming the kind of person who can build and sustain a deep, meaningful relationship.

Too many people chase after an ideal partner while ignoring their own flaws. They want someone who is loyal, kind, emotionally stable, and secure but they haven’t yet cultivated those qualities within themselves.

They believe that once they find “the one,” everything will fall into place. But love doesn’t work that way.

The truth is, relationships don’t work because you find the perfect person. They work because you become the right person; someone who knows how to communicate, handle conflict, and love without fear or control.

Someone who doesn’t look for validation through a partner but instead brings wholeness to the relationship.

The healthiest, most fulfilling love happens when two complete people come together, not to fix each other, but to grow together.

Instead of focusing on finding the right person, one of the biggest lessons that changed my life is to focus on becoming the kind of person who naturally attracts the love you desire.

Final Thought

Relationship and love is not just about finding someone; it’s about understanding yourself and making better choices.

If you keep repeating the same mistakes, you’ll keep getting the same results.

Love wisely or you’ll learn the hard way.

Written by Victor Mong I write about human potential, building a life you want & mastering your mind || info.victormong@gmail.com

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10種避之唯恐不及的渣人 ---- Monica Selo
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10 Signs that somebody is a fake and toxic person.

Monica Selo, 05/31/25

Most people have dealt with at least one toxic person in their life, whether it be a friend, a romantic partner, or even a family member. Unfortunately, toxic behaviour is far too common, especially in the strongly egocentric, individualistic, and social media obsessed society that we live in.

Lack of values, maturity, and boundaries growing up also contribute. Living in a dog eat dog world doesn’t help either. People often manipulate and take advantage of others to get what they want.

We could be here all day talking about the causes of toxic behaviour. If you’re a soft-hearted person with good intentions who easily falls into the trap that fake and toxic people set, here are some signs to help you recognise these kinds people in the first place and how not to be fooled by their superficial charm.

Toxic and fake people will try to lure you into their web, but the good news is that you can untangle yourself if you’re already stuck (setting boundaries works wonders) or stop yourself falling into similar traps whether it’s dating, friendship, or family. I’ve dealt with many toxic people, and they’ve all displayed these signs and behaviours.

1. They’re over friendly.

There’s nothing wrong with being friendly. Friendliness can make people feel more at ease and help build rapport. However, be wary of people who are excessively friendly. Excessive friendliness includes acting in a way that’s too familiar and paying you plenty of compliments despite barely knowing you. They’ll act like you’re besties despite the fact that you’ve only just met.

A real connection takes time to build. Whilst good rapport is important to establish a good connection, fake and toxic people want to gain your full trust before it’s even deserved.

Excessive friendliness is a tool used to break down your walls and gain quick trust and familiarity. It’s not genuine. Building a real friendship or relationship takes time.

2. They love bomb you.

Love bombing is another tactic used to accelerate the friendship or relationship (including non romantic relationships) and gain your trust more easily. Whilst genuine and non-toxic people give complements, they’re genuine and appropriate to the context. The toxic person gives excessive compliments.

A non-toxic and genuine person may say, for example: “I really like your nails. The pattern and colours are really nice. Where did you get them done?” A toxic person will say, “your nails are so gorgeous. Everything about you is so gorgeous. My God you’re so beautiful. I wish I looked like you. That skirt looks so amazing on you. You have the most incredible legs. I would look so fat and ugly in that skirt with my dumpy little legs.”

Do you see the difference? The first compliment comes across as genuine and implies a shared interest in nails. The latter is over the top and doesn’t sound genuine, especially if you don’t really know the person well. The excessive flattery is used to make the person feel special.

Toxic people will constantly tell you what an amazing and special person you are. They may also try to win you over with gifts and nice gestures like cooking for you and inviting you to their home. On the surface, it seems generous and goodhearted, but by doing this they’re setting the stage to take advantage of your good nature. Toxic people often latch onto people who are kind, reliable, and empathetic.

Some people may naturally have kind natures, and it can also be a cultural thing to be more open with strangers and do kind gestures. However, if they behave in a way that is over the top and too intense, that’s a red flag.

3. They’re extremely intense.

Sure, you hit it off with a new friend or romantic interest, and you swap numbers or contact details. Maybe you arrange to meet for a coffee or date. All perfectly normal and within the realms of healthy boundaries for a new friendship or the early dating process. The toxic person doesn’t do boundaries. They latch themselves onto you like a leech.

They’re ringing you every day. They want to speak for hours. They’re divulging all of their problems to you. You think, they’re probably lonely, or they’re just a warm and open person. They’re not being warm and open, they’re seeing how far they can push boundaries.

Before you know it, you’re their best friend in the world, or if it’s a romantic interest, they profess their love for you and the desire for a future together. You feel suffocated. You barely know this person, and they’re acting like you’ve known one another for years. They demand your constant and undivided time and attention.

They ask you to do favours for them. You don’t want to say no because you tell yourself they’re a good and kind-hearted person, and you’re happy to help a friend/lover out.

This person does not care about you or have your best interests at heart. They’re a leech and they will drain you of all your energy.

4. They’re constantly telling you what a great person they are.

Literally, every single fake and toxic person I’ve met harps on about what an amazing person they are. It’s a tactic to avoid taking accountability for anything and making themselves out to be the victim every time. It’s also a tactic used to convince you that they’re “genuine” and that you’re lucky to have them in your life.

They’re always the people who post cringy quotes on social media about how strong, kind, and empathic they are and that other people are always the problem and are always taking advantage of their goodness.

How can you tell if a person is actually genuine and not toxic? They won’t tell you what a good person they are. Genuinely good people are about action, not words, and they’re very introspective. Whilst theoretically they are good people, they are aware that they’re not perfect and make mistakes.

5. They’re always complaining about other people.

Toxic and fake people are all about the drama. Yes, there are many infuriating people in life who are not kind and who bully others but just notice that with toxic people, everybody is against them and out to get them.

It’s a tactic the toxic person uses to show you how hard done by they are and how they’re the underdog to get you fighting their corner. They want you to see how others “mistreat” them.

They didn’t show up for work, and their manager told them off. The manager is the bad guy. Their friend was too busy to take their calls. That friend is uncaring and selfish. The toxic person will twist the narrative completely to make themselves look like the victim. Their version of events doesn’t necessarily reflect reality.

How do you know if somebody is genuinely having problems with other people? Well it’s not a consistent pattern, nor is there constant drama over minor things. Over time you’ll begin to spot holes in toxic people’s stories.

Toxic and fake people are extremely petty and will often make a mountain out of a molehill. They thrive on the drama. I’ve been on the receiving end, and it’s extremely exhausting. They want everybody to be at their beck and call and to make allowances for them. They’re extremely entitled. They never take any accountability for anything or look at situations objectively, which leads onto my next point.

6. They never take responsibility for anything.

This touches on the previous point. Fake and toxic people never take responsibility for anything. It’s always everybody else’s fault even when they’re clearly in the wrong. Genuine and non-toxic people are objective and are able to recognise any mistakes on their part.

Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic used to place the blame on you and make you feel guilty. Toxic and fake people are very good at guilt tripping. They use sob stories as leverage and to shirk responsibility for their actions.

7. They’re all words and no action.

Toxic and fake people are skilled with words but not with their actions. They know exactly what to say in order to keep you dependent on them and make you feel like they’re your rock. They may listen to your problems, but it doesn’t mean that they’ll show up for you in a meaningful way.

When my beloved cat died, my toxic friends at the time knew what to say. They offered their sympathy but they didn’t offer to see me or be there for me. If my friend had lost a loved one, I would say, let me come over and be there with you.

Even simple things like showing up to a friend’s birthday is an action. My fake friends didn’t even bother to come to my birthday celebrations because they weren’t feeling up to it. They didn’t want to come because it simply wasn’t convenient for them, and they didn’t want to make the effort.

I had a toxic friend who became close friends with a guy I had a thing with. He messed me around and led me on. My toxic friend kept saying that he was such an asshole for how he treated me and how pathetic and disgusting he was, yet she became pally with him and invited him to her birthday knowing I wouldn’t feel comfortable.

A genuine friend wouldn’t become super friendly with a guy who hurt their friend. It was such a double standard as knowing her, she would kick up a huge fuss and call me disloyal if I did the same.

8. They get angry when things don’t go their way.

Toxic people become nasty when things don’t go their way. They want to have all of the control. When you defy them, they will discard you because it’s a sign that they can no longer control you. Toxic and fake people want followers. They don’t want people questioning their motives and behaviours or putting boundaries in place.

I had a toxic and fake friend who blocked and unfriended me because I didn’t want to get involved in a petty argument between her and somebody else. I wouldn’t delete that person from Facebook, and she became enraged that I wouldn’t do what she wanted.

Another so-called fake and toxic friend ghosted me once I got into a relationship because it meant that I was no longer at her beck and call. She tried to sabotage the relationship by making up lies about my fiancé. Luckily, I knew it was all lies.

She wanted me all to herself. Even before I got into a relationship with my fiancé I found her very overbearing, but her behaviour once I got into a relationship was the final straw for me.

9. They don’t care about your happiness and will try to sabotage it.

Toxic and fake people are extremely selfish and egocentric. Genuine and non-toxic people are happy for people close to them. Even if it may be hard seeing a friend who has what you want, such as a relationship or a really good job, a non-toxic person won’t allow their ego to get in the way or begrudge people close to them happiness.

One of my good friends was extremely happy for me when I got into a relationship with my fiancé despite her struggling to find somebody. She values my happiness and wants good things for me. It shows maturity and emotional intelligence.

Toxic people are driven by immaturity and jealousy. They want somebody who is on their own level or lower in order to feel better about themselves. Having people around them who aren’t succeeding gives them satisfaction and boosts their ego.

They will only ever pretend to be happy for you if it serves their own interests and makes them look like a good person. They may claim to be really happy for you on a superficial level and they’ll say the right things, but their actions won’t necessarily show it unless your success benefits them.

However, toxic and fake people expect happiness and support from others for their successes in life. They want to feel important and special, and other people’s good news takes away their limelight. Toxic people always want to be the centre of attention and want others to adore and admire them. They want to be respected, praised, and admired despite the fact that they haven’t earned it. It’s not uncommon for toxic people to exaggerate and lie.

The toxic girl I was friends with who wanted to sabotage my relationship constantly boasts about her abilities and her successes; a lot of which I find hard to believe. Apparently, she is an amazing cook and dancer. Apparently, she has millions of followers on Snapchat and knows famous people. Apparently she’s on her way to making it as a YouTuber.

Genuine and non-toxic people don’t boast about their successes or exaggerate their achievements. Often, they downplay their achievements.

10. They take advantage of others.

Fake and toxic people are users. They will use you as their own personal free therapist or go to person for favours. They will also rely on you to be there whenever they’re bored and lonely.

Fake and toxic people will use guilt to get you to do things for them. I found myself making excuses for the toxic people that were in my life. This is a very dangerous trap to fall into.

Fake and toxic people are takers, and when you stop giving, they discard you. A healthy relationship or friendship is a two-way street where both people give and take. Toxic people only take.

They only “give” when it serves them, and they’ll expect something from you in return. They’ll constantly remind you of their good deeds whenever you try to put boundaries in place or defy them.

Genuine and non-toxic people give because they like to make others happy, not because they expect something in return. Also, they won’t constantly remind you of their “good” deeds and what a “good person” they are whenever you have a disagreement.

What other signs do you think fake and toxic people exhibit? Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments.

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7個我們難以面對的人生現實 - Singh Bhai
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7 Bizarre Truths About Life Shatter Your Illusions (And Probably Offend You)

Uncomfortable Truths About Life You’ll Wish They Weren’t True

Singh Bhai, 03/10/25

So, you might not like what I’m about to say, but I’m not here to rub your back and tell you everything is fair. We all walk around acting like we’re deep, moral thinkers when, really, we’re just slightly evolved monkeys with Wi-Fi and credit card debt.

Save Your Time (速讀 – 要點翻譯及詳細說明見下文)

1. People who look good get treated better. It doesn’t matter how much we say we care about personality, someone with a pretty face gonna have things easier. Job, dating, friends, all of it.
2. Motivation doesn’t come first, action does. Waiting to “feel ready” is just wasting time. You start doing it first, then motivation comes later.
3. Most people don’t want advice, they want someone to agree. They tell problems not for fixing, just for someone to say “Yeah, that sucks.” Try to give a solution, they won’t listen.
4. People kinda enjoy it when others fail. Nobody says it, but it’s true. When someone who seems perfect messes up, people watch like it’s the best show on TV.
5. You are only important as long as you are useful. Friends, work, and even family sometimes — if you stop bringing something to the table, they stop caring so much.
6. People don’t care about you, they care how they feel when they are with you. If you make them feel smart or funny, they like you. But if you stop doing that, they forget you fast.
7. You Don’t Have Free Will — You Just Have A Collection Of Habits And Social Conditioning. You just do what you learned from childhood and habit. If you wanna change, you gotta break out of old patterns.

1. Attractive People Get Away With More, No Matter How Much You Deny It (漂亮的人就是討喜)

If you’ve got good bone structure and the right hip-to-waist ratio, people will let you slide on things that would have the rest of us crucified.

* A cute person can say something dumb, and people laugh and shrug it off.
* If a less attractive person says the same thing then what? Awkward silence maybe.

People love to claim they care about “what’s on the inside.” Sure. In the same way, I care about getting enough fiber in my diet. In theory.

Attractive people get extra credit for existing. That’s just how it is.

2. Motivation Follows Action, Not The Other Way Around (做了再想)

So, a lot of people believe they need to feel motivated before they start working on something difficult.

But, Motivation comes after you start doing something.

Motivation doesn’t lead to action. Action leads to motivation.

Once you start something no matter how tiny you might hate leaving it unfinished. That’s called the Zeigarnik Effect.

What does that mean? It means the hardest part is just starting. Even if it’s small.

3. People Don’t Want Solutions, They Just Want Validation (朋友數，斯疏矣 -- 第26；或：少雞婆，多戴高帽子)

So I’m listening to my friend go on about their job. Same story, different day. The boss is unfair, coworkers don’t respect them, and work sucks. They sigh really heavily, stir their coffee, and then say, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Now, me? I think I’m being helpful. I say, “Why don’t you just tell your boss how you feel?” Seems obvious, right? A simple, logical solution to their endless complaints. (Maybe my response was wrong?)

But no. Now they have a whole list of reasons why that won’t work. “You don’t get it.” “It’s more complicated.” “They’ll never listen to me.”

Alright then. Okay. So we’re not actually looking for answers. We’re just here for the daily tragedy monologue. Got it.

Instead of giving advice, just agree.

* “Wow, that sucks.”
* “Yeah, I can see why that’s frustrating.”

They don’t want a solution, they want a co-sign. If they actually want advice, they’ll ask.

If people really wanted solutions, self-help books would actually help people.

4. Most People Secretly Enjoy Watching Others Fail (幸災樂禍之心，人皆有之)

You pretend you don’t do this. You lie.

Because deep down, nothing is more entertaining than watching someone crash and burn — especially if they seemed a little too successful, a little too happy.

* That couple who was always posting nauseating #blessed photos? Oh, they’re divorcing? Well, that’s unfortunate (sips tea).
* That influencer who built their whole brand around being the perfect human? Caught in a scandal? Tragic.

It’s not that people wish failure on others. It’s just… oddly satisfying when those who seemed untouchable prove they’re not.

Schadenfreude is a real thing. It’s why reality TV exists. It’s why Twitter/X thrives. And it’s why gossip magazines will never die.

5. People Only Value You Based On What You Can Do For Them (沒有道義之交；只有酒肉朋友)

To most people, you are what you do for them.

You’re the “fun one,” the “useful one,” the “connected one.” When that role disappears, so does their reason to keep you around.

The fact is, people value you for what you provide. You’re only as important as your usefulness.

This is why networking is more important than hard work. It’s why some of the least talented people are wildly successful — they know how to be useful to the right people.

Pay attention to who’s still around when you have nothing to offer.

6. People Don’t Like You — They Like How You Make Them Feel About Themselves (千穿萬穿，馬屁不穿)

People don’t spend time with you because they deeply admire your weird obsession with 18th-century shipwrecks or your oddly specific knowledge of discontinued snack foods. They stick around because of how they feel when they’re near you.

You could have the same personality, same sense of humor, same opinions — but if tomorrow you stop stroking their ego, watch how fast they disappear.

This is why people who suddenly lose wealth, status, or influence always seem so shocked at how fast their social circle shrinks. You weren’t liked. You were useful.

7. You Don’t Have Free Will — You Just Have A Collection Of Habits And Social Conditioning (孫悟空翻不出如來佛的手掌心)

Almost everything you do is the result of:

* Habits you formed years ago
* The culture you grew up in
* Social norms telling you what’s “acceptable”

From the way you dress to the food you crave to the way you handle conflict, it’s all programmed. You’re just following a script you didn’t write.

If you grew up in a different country, you’d probably have a different religion, a different diet, and a different attitude toward relationships.

If you spent your childhood in a house that praised hard work, you probably value ambition. If you grew up around people who avoided conflict, you probably hate confrontation.

Your brain is running on autopilot most of the time. You’re not really deciding things. You’re following patterns.

So, does free will actually exist or not?

Wait a Sec

I share insights like this every 2–3/week — ones that actually change how you think in my newsletter (TheOpenBook). Don’t miss the next one.

Thanks for your time.

Link for non-medium members

Subscribe on Medium for more insights like this — be the first to know!

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女人的內心世界 -- Akinyele Olaoluwa
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請參考本欄2025/06/11《前言》一文中關於「社會建構」的討論。原文附有示意版畫；對藝術有濃厚興趣的網友可至原網頁瀏覽。可能需訂閱。

我意譯重點如下；是否信達，還請不吝指教。說明部份則煩請閱讀原文。

1. 比起財富，女性更重視情緒的安全感。
2. 她們並不總是希望你解決她們的問題。
3. 外表可能讓她被你吸引，但感情融洽才能維持兩人的長期關係。
4. 她們希望被尊重，但討厭唯唯諾諾。
5. 漠不關心是愛情的喪鐘。
6. 她希望你做個領頭羊，但討厭你成為管家婆。
7. 比起身強力壯，她更重視聰明睿智。

7 HARSH Truths About Women ALL Men Should Know

Akinyele Olaoluwa, 12/18/24

I never thought I would be writing this story, but life has a way of teaching you lessons you can’t ignore.

It all started with a painful breakup, followed by months of self reflection, conversations and a few hard knocks from reality.

I’ll never forget the night it all clicked. I was sitting alone in my apartment. I was expecting a call or at least a message from her.

We’d had an argument earlier — one I thought was small — but the silence from her side felt louder than anything I have had before.

Now, she wouldn’t pick my calls nor reply to my tests. Now, I replayed the conversation in my head to figure out where I lost everything.

What is that I said something I shouldn’t have said? Was I not understanding enough? Different questions were popping through my mind. The more the questions came the more frustrated I got.

Until I finally called up a friend, a female, who listened to me to vent for a while before dropping a truth bomb I wasn’t ready for:

Then I knew I was chasing love blindly, making the same mistakes over and over again without even realizing it.

Here are the 7 harsh truths I learned about women that changed my life — and maybe, just maybe, they’ll change yours too.

1.They Want Emotional Security More Than Money

Women love money and need your money. But they want more than money. But money isn’t a cornerstone of a lasting relationship.

I believe providing money and material things is enough to make a woman happy in a relationship, but I realized emotional security is far more important to them than all these things.

Women want to feel safe and secure emotionally to know they can express themselves without being judged, dismissed or ignored.

Women crave connection, comfort and understanding, and you’re expected to provide these even during their vulnerable moments.

You can have all the money in the world, if your woman doesn’t feel safe with you emotionally, your relationship will suffer.

Emotional security is one of the elements that brings the best out of women in relationships.

2. Women don’t always want you to solve their problems

Countless times, when the women I was with shared their problems with me, I would forget my own problems (even if I was going through hell of a situation) and adopt theirs.

If my partner needed money, and I was broke, I would go all out to get the money, even if I had to borrow.

I have realized this is one of the biggest mistakes men make in relationships is always wanting to assume the position of “Mr. Fix It” in every problematic situation.

They just jump into the “fix-it-mode” whenever their partners share a problem or challenge with them. Without knowing that women are not always looking for solutions; they are often looking for validation.

When she’s going through a bad day, personal struggles or challenges, she just wants you to be there, she just wants to be heard and not handed some long to-do-list.

Just providing morale and emotional support. Just “being there” means more than trying to play a superhero.

3. Physical attraction may start the relationship, but emotional intimacy keeps it alive.

I thought hitting the gym and looking sharp would keep ladies captivated. I only worked on my physical features. I wasn’t really emotionally ready for a relationship. And I struggled to connect with the women I was in relationship with.

And that wasn’t not me alone, most of the women I dated too were just like me, no wonder the concept of likes attracts likes in search of love and relationships.

There’s no denying the fact that physical attraction is a key component in a relationship. But it can only be important in the early stages of a relationship.

Physical attraction is often what sparks interest before a relationship starts, but as time goes on, emotional intimacy is what sustains the bond.

Women want to be understood and connected on a deeper level. I neglected it almost completely, no wonder I had many heartbreaks.

If a relationship isn’t deep, it will eventually start feeling hollow, either of you will start feeling something is missing and be hungry for what’s missing, this might lead to break-up.

4. Women respect boundaries but dislike weakness.

In order to prove to the woman you love, you will naturally want to say “yes” to her every requests or demand. This is another trap I fell into multiple times.

Many men just like I did are always falling into this trap, by being overly accommodating to demands and requests their partners are happy with. In reality, this approach often backfires.

It’s unwise to not have your own standard and mind and not to argue or disagree with the woman you love, I’d there’s need to do so.

Women want men that can “lead” them. How can you lead when you don’t have your own mind, standard or opinion and you’re always saying “yes” to her demands. Women are wired to be led and men are wired to be the leader.

Women love and respect those who have boundaries, self-respect, and the courage to stand up for themselves. Being kind and considerate is a good value. But being a pushover isn’t cool.

If you’re constantly sacrificing your needs and values to avoid conflict, being misunderstood or arguments, you’re a weakling, I was a weakling too. Until I discovered the truth.

With everything said, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be controlling and dominant in a relationship. It’s about showing confidence, decisiveness, and willingness to lead when necessary.

5. Love dies when effort stops.

Relationships need legs to walk, you have to give it the legs. For a relationship to work, you have to make it work. And you have to be committed for relationship to work.

Relationships require consistent efforts to strive. I started many relationship strong with romantic gestures and attention but gradually I let slip over time. Women notice when the effort fades, and their feelings faded along with it. Although I can’t fully take the blame too.

Efforts to make relationship work requires work from both the parties involved. Efforts that make relationships work are usually small consistent actions like thoughtful texts, compliments, spending quality time together, respecting each other and each other’s uniqueness and individuality.

6. She wants leadership, not control

Women don’t just need affection sections, love and care, they also crave leadership and control. This doesn’t mean as a man you will have to be controlling to get choices without respecting her individuality. It means stepping up in key moments of need when help is needed to come in.

When a woman is looking for her man to assume leadership and controlling role in some situations she might be frustrated if he’s passive, insensitive and indecisive especially if it means she will have to handle everything on her own.

Leadership in a relationship is being dependable, proactive, creating a sense of assurance and stability.

7. She values emotional intelligence over brute strength

Although society expects men to be strong. And strength is associated with being a man. Women love physically strong men too. But they prefer the strength of a man to be demonstrated on the emotional intelligence aspect more.

Emotional intelligence is a peak of being a man as it allows you to make good decisions and be controlling in the midst of chaos, disagreement, misunderstanding and offer support during tough times. Emotional intelligence is also when you’re not overly sensitive as a man but being aware of her feelings and knowing what to do.

The Takeaway

Women are not as complicated as they seem to be. At the core, they are the most predictable beings. And their core needs are connected, affection, respect and love.

Understanding these truths can help men avoid unnecessary mistakes and build a relationship that lasts with deep emotional connection and support.

As a man, if you want a love that lasts, invest in understanding, empathy, and growth — because those are the things that truly stand the test of time.

Which of these 7 (Seven) truths stands out the most to you? Let’s discuss in the comments.

Thanks for reading…

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男人的秘密 -- Sheetal Nair
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請參考本欄上一篇此文的《前言》。

21 Sentences Every Woman Must Know About Men

Dr. Sheetal Nair, 04/24/25

Men: mysterious, moody, macho—or maybe just misunderstood? In this piece, we swap the spotlight and decode the enigma that is the modern man. With mythological metaphors, sass, and soul, this guide is part roast, part revelation—and a must-read for every woman who’s ever dated a mortal but dreamed of a Krishna.

21 Sentences Every Woman Must Know About Men

Because even Ram had trust issues, and Arjuna needed a charioteer to process his feelings.

1. He doesn’t always mean what he says—but he always means when he says nothing.
Much like Shiva in deep tapasya—when he’s silent, he’s working through storms.

2. The phrase “I’m fine” from a man usually means he’s busy suppressing 32 emotions he’s been told never to feel.
Even Karna needed armor—not for war, but for what he was never allowed to feel.

3. He doesn’t fear commitment—he fears disappointing you after committing.

4. The male ego is fragile, but not because it’s weak. It’s just been under construction since he was five.
Ravana built a golden Lanka. But he couldn’t handle rejection. Enough said.

5. “I need space” often translates to “I don’t know how to say I feel overwhelmed without sounding weak.”

6. He’s not ignoring you. He’s in the middle of a three-hour mental wrestling match with his own self-worth.
Think of it as Kurukshetra—but the war is inside his head.

7. If he tells you about his childhood, consider it emotional foreplay.

8. Men crave appreciation more than attention. Yes, even the Instagram gym bros.

9. He doesn’t want a mother. He wants a teammate. A partner. A co-conspirator in crime (and maybe PS5).

10. Most men don’t ghost. They just emotionally evacuate long before they exit.
Like Lord Vishnu—there, but often in disguise.

11. When he shares a meme instead of feelings—he’s trying, okay? Baby steps.

12. He may never cry in public, but the right sentence from you can bring him to his knees.
Draupadi didn’t need swords. Her words moved kings.

13. Men aren’t “emotionless.” They're just emotionally undiagnosed.

14. He’s not “not romantic.” He just thinks showing up when it matters is romance.

15. If he’s asking you what to wear, he’s not indecisive. He’s just realized you are Google and Vogue combined.

16. The ‘bad boy’ phase? It’s usually just a man performing rebellion because he’s never been allowed vulnerability.

17. Most men are taught to provide. Few are taught how to receive—love, praise, or help.

18. If he loves you, he’ll listen. If he respects you, he’ll unlearn.
Remember Arjuna? He listened to Krishna. That’s how epics are made.

19. “Let me fix it” is not him being dismissive. It’s his version of “I care.”

20. If he makes you laugh even on your worst day, hold on—he’s fighting his own demons to do it.

21. Men don’t want to be saved or psychoanalyzed. They just want to be safe with you.
Much like Hanuman—mighty, loyal, but often misunderstood until you look deeper.

Mythbusters Women Need to Know About Men

Myth 1: Men don’t feel deeply.
Truth: They do. They just don’t have hashtags for it. Even Krishna cried.

Myth 2: Men are bad communicators.
Truth: Men do communicate—just often in actions, not adjectives.

Myth 3: He doesn’t care if he forgets anniversaries.
Truth: He probably panicked 24 hours prior, then self-sabotaged with fear of failing anyway.

Myth 4: He’s emotionally unavailable.
Truth: He’s emotionally untrained. And therapy still feels like the enemy.

How to Understand the Man in Your Life

[ ] Ask questions without cross-examining.
[ ] Appreciate effort, not just results.
[ ] Learn his love language (it might just be acts of service… like refueling your car).
[ ] Create space for his silence without forcing sound.
[ ] Don’t therapize unless asked. Sometimes he just wants biryani, not breakthroughs.

Written by Dr. Sheetal Nair

Psychotherapist | Author | TEDx Speaker | Expert on Mental Health, Relationships & Identity | Writing bold, controversial takes on love, life & the mind.

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《男人的秘密》前言
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經過考慮後，我決定不另開一個「兩性關係」專欄。基本上，男、女相處的成功之道，和與眾人相處的成功之道相同：「尊重」、「試圖了解」、和「不要急著下定論」。

該文作者沒有長篇大論的解釋每段敘述(請見本攔下一篇)，他用了不同的神話故事來註釋、稱托。這倒也不失為一種寫作風格/技巧；還能順帶賣弄一下自己的博學多聞。美中不足的是：他沒有提供故事來源；我現在年老力衰，就偷個懶辛苦各位自行上網搜尋了。此外，如果覺得那個單字看起來霧煞煞，請用網上的《口語字典》。

最後，這篇分析原讀者群是美國社會成員。基於我們的個性和人格特質來自「社會建構」過程，它們跟文化傳統、社會習俗、和個人成長環境在在有關。因此，該文的個別建議是否適用於此處、此情、此景，有待讀者思考大環境，和進一步了解自己的身邊人。

雖然說「盡信書不如無書」，但畢竟做為同一類物種，「四海之內皆兄弟」；我們彼此之間具有「人際相通性」是個科學事實。從而，即使有上述考慮，該文具有參考價值，殆屬毋庸置疑。只是看官們得下點「慎思」、「明辨」的功夫。

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顯示真正個性的6種低調行為 – Sean Kernan
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這篇文章的文風相當口語化；讀者不妨多查查線上字典，尤其是口語字典。偶而模仿、套用一下，也不失為增加可讀性的高招。

6 Low Key Signs Of A Person’s True Character

And why it’s important to know who they are.

Sean Kernan, 01/12/25

You should learn to read people.

Not to be a judgemental jerk. But to know what you are working with. It can help you choose the right people to be in your life. It will save you time, money, heartache, and more. Other people are the greatest source of risk and opportunity in your life. Here's how to be a better judge of their character.

The origins of hit pop

A shocking number of famous pop songs are low-key written by Swedish producers. Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Backstreet Boys, and many more, have Swedish names listed in their credits.

It stems from Sweden’s strong musical tradition and the Law of Jante — which is the cultural value of not bragging and remaining humble.

Consequently, Swedish producers are fine with staying behind the camera and letting stars have the shine. Their lack of ego has allowed them to take over a seemingly impenetrable industry.

And it all began with humility. We should think deeply about our bragging and need for validation. Bragging can cost us friendships, careers, and business opportunities. It can also make us downright loathsome. If you want to socialize more effectively and make more friends, don't ever, ever brag.

One sure sign

What often gets lost in war is the devastating impact on wildlife. During the first and second world wars, hundreds of thousands of animals were killed. In the first world war especially, poison gasses often swept across fields, annihilating farm life.

We saw history repeating itself in Ukraine, with flooding in Kherson which put thousands of pet lives at risk. But we are also saw incredible rescue efforts underway.

You saw grown men and women rushing to save animals swimming desperately to their boats. If you want to get a good read of a person, don’t judge them by how they look. Judge them by the care and kindness they show to animals. It says everything.

Reconnecting with my old high school friends

My hometown of Virginia Beach is nice — but it’s one of those places where you either got out or got stuck. Most of the ambitious people I know escaped and have built lives elsewhere.

I finally got on the phone with a long-time high school friend who still lives there. Regrettably, he was still on page one of growing up. He was boasting about all his amazing weed. He still lived with his parents. I have no moral qualms with weed, although I can’t smoke it anymore because I get too paranoid.

Yet there’s this bizarre vibe when you hear a middle-aged man talk like a 13-year-old with High Times posters on his wall: “Yeah, bro. Been smoking this dank Blue Cow Lightning!”

There’s a small window of our life when bragging about getting drunk or high might be excusable under the umbrella of youthful rebelliousness. But it’s not a good look on a 39-year-old man. Pay attention to the things someone takes pride in.

Name droppers are the worst

Successful people often become collectors — of other people. The more powerful and accomplished a person is, the more valuable to their social circle. Each of us becomes like a baseball card with our own stats. The psychology is super weird: People believe associating with higher-status people somehow qualifies and validates them, or that it gives them a means of moving higher on the social ladder.

The name-dropping is exhausting. Every two seconds it’s like, “My one friend George Washington and my other friend Katy Perry and my other friend.” You end up wanting to reach across the table and strangle them.

People don’t like being flexed on, especially by strangers. It reflects an over concern with social standing and hierarchy. It makes me feel like I’m constantly being sized up.

That said, name-dropping isn’t always an ego trip. I’d strongly advise it during your next job hunt (if you know an employee). Keep it light and say something nice about them.

The sins of conquesting

I have regrets about my early 20s romantic endeavors. I grew up in a bro culture where conquesting was seemed like its own sport. It didn’t help that I was young and hornier than a two-dicked billy goat.

In the end, I just felt guilty about a lot of the hookups. At some point, the number of people you sleep with became a point of pride for men and a point of shame for women — which is an obviously unfair double standard.

The good news is that society is trending more sex-positive. People, especially younger generations, are less judgemental about what people do in their free time. And so, to the younger men and women reading this, don’t get caught up in your “number” or anyone else’s. It’s super douchey to brag about how many women you’ve slept with or judge someone on their number.

Just stop keeping count. Who cares.

Low key filthy rich

The funny thing about most legit-wealthy people I’ve met is that you’d have no idea they are wealthy.

Most just buy comfortable clothing, a beach house, and a few other things they don’t feel the need to mention every 25 seconds. No, not everyone rocks the gaudy Trump lifestyle, with gold-plated crown molding around his toilet seat. Not everyone turns their wedding into a giant look-at-me contest with a chocolate waterfall for donuts. Flaunting wealth is often a sign of insecurity.

It can even cause problems. For example, wealthy kids bragging on Facebook and Instagram are unwittingly providing evidence for prosecutors about their parents’ fraud schemes. Cybersecurity firms use social media evidence to nail fraud and assets in up to 75 percent of their cases.

Meanwhile, 70% of wealthy families lose their wealth by the second generation. 90% lose it by the third. Kids are bragging about something they had no part in earning, but play a role in losing.

The takeaway lesson

Want to know what is always cool?

Be secretly awesome at something but don’t tell anyone. Let them stumble across you being a concert pianist. Let them catch you singing by yourself rather than rubbing it in their face.

Let them find out you have a nice body when they take your clothes off, not because you wear skin-tight outfits every day. Let someone else tell them you went to an ivy league school, rather than crowbarring “back when I was at MIT” into every conversation.

Humility is cool (and hot). And it never expires.

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