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自我提升篇--開欄文：改變個性的步驟 -- C. Jarrett
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個性不但會影響一個人職業生涯的成功程度，它更左右一個人對自己的生活是否滿意，從而決定她/他一生的快樂和幸福。
此處要強調：行動的重要！知而不行，是為不知。
請參照《討人喜的5秒鐘聊天撇步》一文；該文也提到：「內向型個性」、「排隊等候情境」、以及「行動」的重要性。
「君子求諸己」；
「吾日三省吾身」；
「苟日新、日日新、又日新」。
The simple ways you can change your personality, according to a cognitive neuroscientist
Want to become more confident, extroverted or assertive? Science shows that with a few simple changes, you can unlock your best self.
Christian Jarrett, 03/09/25
As a few thousand vaguely patronising Instagram posts will tell you – every new day is an opportunity to turn over a new leaf. Start afresh, be better. But where to start?
Well, you could adopt a new hobby or set yourself a small challenge. Or maybe you could get much more radical and change your personality.
In scientific terms, personality is simply a set of traits that reflect how you tend to think, feel and behave. It might sound harsh or confronting to suggest changing your personality, but many surveys suggest that most people wish to alter at least some of their traits.
Psychologists largely recognise there are five key personality traits:
openness to experience (your willingness to try new things);
conscientiousness (your self-discipline, ambition and orderliness);
extroversion (how you're drawn to fun);
agreeableness (how warm, friendly and trusting you are); and
neuroticism (how much you experience negative emotions, such as worry and doubt).
Extroverts tend to be happier and enjoy social interactions more than they expect, even when they initially feel reluctant. - Photo credit: Getty 請至原網頁觀看照片
Unlike moods or emotions, personality traits are relatively stable. If you don’t see your friend for a few years, you still recognise them as essentially the same person when you finally do meet up.
It might sound far-fetched, then, to change such a fundamental aspect of ourselves. But psychologists have been stress-testing personality, and their findings suggest that not only is personality change possible, it’s actually a jolly sensible idea.
For instance, through a series of studies published in 2023 and 2024, a research team based across various European universities showed that an app was able to help people change their personalities in the ways they wanted.
Because of its international inception, PEACH (PErsonality coACH) was only available to download in German – but an English version will soon be on its way.
Participants had to choose a trait to focus on and then the app gave them self-help tips, prompting them to adopt activities in line with that trait – such as nudging them to do an important task rather than procrastinating (to boost their conscientiousness), or taking a photo of something beautiful every day (to boost their openness).
PEACH not only shifted the desired traits, but the changes lasted even after a year. What’s more, the changes were associated with increases in overall life satisfaction.
Getting started
If you're interested in changing your traits, a great place to start is a personality test that taps into the previously mentioned 'Big Five'. There are various free options online. Have a look at your scores and think about how – and more importantly, why – you’d like to change.
Rather than thinking of your traits in abstract terms, consider your hopes and ambitions in life. What could you change to address those aims? Do you want to increase your extroversion to make more friends? Or boost your conscientiousness to succeed more in your career?
Another approach is to consider how the different traits have been linked with various outcomes in life.
For instance, extroverts tend to be happier, while neurotic types tend to suffer more from depression and anxiety. Conscientious people generally tend to be more successful in their chosen career paths.
Meanwhile, having greater openness has been found to help protect against dementia and agreeable people tend to experience less stress.
A blueprint for change
Psychologists have identified several key ingredients for successful personality change. First, you need to want to change. Second, you need to commit to doing things differently – that includes changing how you think and behave.
Consider your personality as being grounded in various habits of thought and behaviour. To change it, you need to change those habits – that takes dedication, repetition and perseverance.
Studies suggest introverts often find acting like an extrovert isn't as daunting as they might imagine. - Photo credit: Getty Images 請至原網頁觀看照片
The PEACH app helped users in this respect by prompting them to think in terms of ‘if-then’ principles. These are small rules, such as:
“If I’m waiting in a line, then I’ll make an effort to talk to the person next to me” (as a method of boosting your extroversion).
Finally, you need to check in, to see how your efforts are paying off and make tweaks. It's helpful to think of ways to change both from the inside-out (adopting new habits of thought, for instance), and the outside-in (recognising that your environment and the people you interact with also shape you).
If you’re serious about changing one or more of your traits, it’s worth not only learning new skills and habits, but also taking a look at things like your work culture or your friendship group, to consider whether they’re conducive to your personal development goals.
Neuroticism
Surveys show that lowering neuroticism is the most popular change to make. If you succeed, you’ll likely benefit – one study from 2013 estimated that a small reduction in neuroticism would boost your wellbeing by the equivalent of an extra $314,000 income per year (that’s over $400,000 in today’s money, or approximately £312,000).
If you’re a high scorer in neuroticism, it’s likely that you experience many negative thoughts, such as self-criticism and worry. Schools of psychotherapy abound with tips and tricks for getting these thoughts under control.
Neurotic individuals are more prone to experiencing negative emotions like anxiety and self-doubt, which can significantly impact their overall well-being. - Photo credit: Getty 請至原網頁觀看照片
One of my favourites is the so-called ‘mind-bus’ technique.
Imagine that you’re the driver of a bus and your difficult thoughts are the passengers. You can then have fun, for example, getting them to sing what they’re nagging you with, or telling them you’re in charge.
The idea is to help create a distance between yourself and your thoughts so that they’ll trouble you less.
Conscientiousness
After lowering neuroticism, the next most sought-after personality change is to become more conscientious. It’s a good choice because more conscientiousness is associated with receiving more work promotions and living longer.
One way to get started is to realise that the secret to higher conscientiousness is not having ironclad willpower. It’s about avoiding temptations in the first place.
Psychologists talk about a ‘temptation generation cycle’ and you can get into the habit of disrupting it at different stages.
First of all, you can remove temptations (don’t leave the cookie jar out; don’t take your phone to bed). Secondly, you can influence your appraisal of temptations – tell yourself that the cookies look old and your phone makes you stressed.
The next step is to make the alternatives sparkle. Remind yourself of how good you’ll feel after you’ve eaten some fruit, or how rewarding it’ll be to read a book.
Extroversion
Surveys show the next most sought-after trait change is to become more of an extrovert. This could be a shrewd move – many recent studies have shown that when introverts act more extroverted, they enjoy it much more than they think they will.
They’ve even reported that it makes them feel more authentic.
One fun way to boost your extroversion is to learn a different language that makes you feel less inhibited (research suggests Spanish might be a good choice, but find what works for you).
A completely different approach could be to hone your flirtation skills – yes, really. A study from 2022 found that just three hours of training was sufficient to help make gains in extroversion.
Ultimately, these are just some initial ideas for how you can influence your traits. To achieve any meaningful change, you’ll need to stick at it and make a habit of your new ways of living.
Dr. Christian Jarrett is a cognitive neuroscientist, science writer and author. He is the Editor of Psyche, the sister magazine to Aeon that illuminates the human condition through psychology, philosophy and the arts. Jarrett also created the British Psychological Society's Research Digest blog and was the first ever staff journalist on the Society's magazine, The Psychologist. He is author of Great Myths of The Brain and Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of Personality Change.
Read more on wellbeing:
* 7 biggest lessons on building lasting habits, from a motivational psychologist
* Could this be the bold new future of depression treatment?
* I'm a neuroscientist. Here's the surprising truth about TikTok 'brain rot'
* What is a collapsed narcissist?
* Which generation is the most hypersensitive?
* Why your brain won't shut up at night (and the simple way to shush it)
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《心理建設教戰手冊》簡介 -- Cipheron
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我只介紹；並不推薦。這本書售價為$29.00 (請見全文最後一行)。
Mental Game Playbook
Cipheron, 07/09/25
Collapse Spirituality Into Practicality
Modern “spirituality” revolves around doing a whole bunch of things that don’t carry any real practicality with it.
Lady with a crystal bowl will tell you to stare at some vision boards, read tarot, and do astrology, but in the end, none of those will do anything except make you feel stupid.
All of those corny rituals have made working on one’s mental habits seem cringe and off top, which is ironic, as your mind is your most powerful tool.
Every great individual in history understood that in order to conquer the world, they had to first conquer their own minds, instill a way of thinking that makes even the most delusional ambitions within their reach.
Inspired by the lives of the people who achieved things conventionally labeled as “impossible” (e.g., Alexander the Great, Henry Ford, or Muhammad Ali), I created a manual you can ACTUALLY base your mental game on.
Breaking the game down to the main mental aspects (identity, attention, emotions, beliefs, and ultimately — conviction), I divided it into 5 “plays” you can gradually follow.
Table of contents from the Mental Game Playbook 請至原網頁觀看《心理建設教戰手冊》目錄
It runs on a practical framework:
請至原網頁觀看《心理建設步驟運用要點圖》
To make it all the more embedded into your thinking, the whole playbook is filled with timeless allegories from the Bible, mythology, and folklore.
Your mind holds all the divine power in the world, and once you learn to use it correctly, you will not fail to create the reality you desire.
Don’t wait any longer, up your game:
Written by Cipheron
Up Your Game: mentalgameplaybook.com (點擊此超連結至出售網頁及梗多介紹)
本文於 修改第 1 次
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普通人說的日常生活四句箴言 – Tom Gose
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說這些話的人雖然未必是名人、偉人、或大哲學家，但都人人適用，並值得深思力行。
Four Quotes That May Change Your Life
Just one of them can make a big difference
Tom Gose, 09/15/25
When you see an amazing sunrise or sunset photo, you probably don’t care which of those the photo captured. A beautiful photo is memorable either way.
The sunrise of life differs immensely from our sunset decades later, and those glorious years in between can be as sweet as a jelly donut or as sour as catching a donkey kick to the head.
Advice, even quotes from anonymous sources, can keep someone from crashing through life’s guardrails, so let’s see if any of these can send you soaring toward a satisfying sunset down the road a bit.
I don’t know the source of this, but it will poke a bruise for some people, and head off possible financial heartache for others.
1 All of the stuff in your house, garage, and car used to be money. How much of it do you wish still was?
All of the Goodwill runs, and dusty stuff sitting in our “catch-all” rooms, once looked suspiciously like green dollars in our bank accounts; and all of the money we made re-selling items in garage sales and Facebook Marketplace peddling is a pittance compared to the full price we once paid for it.
If we could short-circuit our impulsivity, we would have much more money in our accounts. Yes, we need a car, a place to live, and clothes, since public nudity is thankfully discouraged, but the 13 Sham Wows you bought on infomercials may be regrettable.
Here’s the next.
2 Imagine you are on your deathbed and all around you are the ghosts of your unfulfilled dreams, and the talents you didn’t use.
This powerful gem came from a commencement speech by the great actor Denzel Washington and touches on the fact that every sunrise witnessed leaves one fewer to enjoy.
As our fleeting time seems to accelerate with age, we need to ask ourselves if we are making the most of the time we have.
The saying “Time is the only currency we spend without knowing the balance” illustrates our tendency to act like “time billionaires” as we say “not today, but someday” to all manner of things in life.
For many people, someday never comes because illness or financial problems, like your least favorite guy in the bowling league, show up earlier than you prefer.
The importance of time plays into the next quote as well.
3 “Days keep going by, and you wasted a year doing what?” by comedian Kevin Hart.
Days are to pennies what years are to dollars — tiny increments of measure. Days can crawl by, yet a year seems to vanish quicker than a cookie at Sumo camp.
If you want to have an amazing year, are the days you baked into it built to last, or are they short-lived sugar rushes that are barely remembered years later?
In other words, are your days creating the future you want, or are they a saboteur of your dreams?
4 If you think the price of winning is too high, wait until you get the bill for regret.
This beauty comes from Tim Grover, a high-level performance coach who has impacted the success of many top athletes like Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant.
The key part of this quote is the timing of the regret. Major mistakes made in one’s 20s MAY be fixable or forgotten over many decades,
If regret comes at such an older age that little can be done to remedy the situation, that regret may be the featured presentation in your daily rumination and self-destructive behavior.
I would rather get kicked in the head by a donkey than live with a lifetime of regrets.
Choose wisely.
Our lives aren’t “dress rehearsals,” we have only one opportunity to experience amazing things and leave the world a better place, so click here for weekly updates on how to maximize your days.
Written by Tom Gose
Wandering landscape photographer, author, ghostwriter, public speaker, and forever a friend to animal charities around the world.
Published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life
Read short and uplifting articles here to help you shift your thought, so you can see real change in your life and health.
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赫爾辛基公車站理論--Mental Garden
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請參考： The Helsinki Bus Station Theory
下文介紹「赫爾辛基公車站」這個比喻；雖然它以藝術與創作能力為立論重點，我認為其內容所闡述的道理，跟此文意旨不謀而合(該欄2025/10/17)；各位可以拿它們相互參照。
The Most Powerful Lesson on Creativity You’ll Ever Hear: Helsinki Bus Theory
An expert advice every artist should hear before giving up
Mental Garden, 10/04/25
For the artist, creating something of value is a matter of patience, not talent.
And yet, we live in a world that rewards immediacy. For artists, that translates into suffocating pressure: if you don’t stand out after three attempts, maybe you “don’t have what it takes.” That lie is dangerous. History shouts the opposite: great works weren’t born in a flash, but along a journey that spanned decades.
Photographer Arno Rafael Minkkinen explained this with brutal honesty in 2006, in an unforgettable speech to the students of the New England School of Photography. There, he shared an idea that can shape your artistic path forever.
The Helsinki Bus Station Theory.
If you apply it, you’ll never again doubt your work — you’ll know your artistic path with clarity.
Press enter or click to view image in full size
The Helsinki Bus Station
I want you to picture the scene.
In the center of Helsinki there is a huge bus station, with dozens of platforms. Each one sends out several buses — more than a hundred in total. For the first kilometer, they all go down the same street and stop at the same stations.
These are the stops that everyone passes through. This idea is important — don’t forget it.
Minkkinen told his students: every bus stop represents a year of your creative life. You get on bus 21 and spend three years photographing black-and-white nudes. You excitedly present your work… and someone reminds you that Irving Penn already did that. Or you try to sell your photos and they say: “Have you seen Bill Brandt? Your work looks too similar.”
It hurts. You feel like those three years were wasted.
And what do you do?
You get off the bus at the third stop and take a taxi back to the station.
You get off at the third stop, take a taxi back, and start another route. Three years later, the same story. Another critic, another comparison, another disappointment. That cycle can repeat itself for an entire lifetime. You move a lot, but progress little. And you wonder with a tired sigh: Is it worth continuing?
Minkkinen stopped his story, looked at the students, and said something unforgettable:
“Stay on the bus! Stay on the damn bus and don’t get off!”
Lesson 1: The Gradual Divergence
All buses follow the same initial path.
But after a few kilometers, they start to separate. Bus 21 turns north, 71 goes southwest, 58 takes an unexpected curve. Each one finds its own way.
The same thing happens with creative work.
At the beginning, your work inevitably resembles that of your influences. It’s natural — you chose that route because you admired them. But if you endure the journey, your path slowly diverges. Nuances appear, differences, small sparks that make you unique. And over time, those differences become your personal signature.
The whole journey makes sense.
You won’t reach the last stops without passing the first ones.
Lesson 2: Is success just about persistence?
Here’s where the story gets tough.
We all know daily practice matters. We’ve seen the huge impact of deliberate practice and habits. But in his speech, Minkkinen takes it one step further. It’s not only about whether you show up every day.
It’s about how long you’re willing to keep doing it.
Every time you switch buses, you reset the clock. You accumulate hours, yes — but never enough on the same road for something truly your own to emerge. Isaac Asimov wrote over 150 science fiction novels. Asimov never got off the bus.
Progress isn’t about trying a thousand different routes.
It’s about riding one to the very end.
And there’s more.
Lesson 3: The Value of Risk
“Art is risk made visible. The audience needs to see the risk we are willing to take to create the art we make.” — Arno Rafael Minkkinen
For him, as a photographer, risk meant that you could tell he had stepped into freezing waters, climbed a cliff, buried himself in snow to achieve an impossible shot. Minkkinen rejected Photoshop and assistants because he wanted the risk to be real — not a simulation.
And what does that mean for us?
That creating something meaningful requires risk.
* Risking time on a project no one will understand until much later.
* Risking your reputation by doing something strange when everyone expects the safe choice.
* Risking your comfort by not choosing the obvious path.
Most people flee from risk, because humans are wired to crave the comfortable and predictable — we hate failing and doubting. But Minkkinen (and thousands of other artists) show that the true failure is getting off the bus too soon.
Staying on until the last stop is the greatest guarantee of success. That is persistence.
Lesson 4: You Don’t Need to Be #1
Even if you stay on the bus, even if you find your unique vision, there will always be bus routes better than yours — make peace with that.
There will always be someone more famous, more awarded, more celebrated.
Minkkinen explained it with a moving image: at the end of your career, when you look back, you’ll see that you climbed a huge mountain. You’re proud. But when you turn your head, you notice even higher peaks — mountains you never saw at the start.
So what do you do then?
You have three options:
1. Feel jealousy and bitterness because you never climbed as high.
2. Inflate yourself with pride and live arrogantly, pretending to be what you’re not.
3. Look at the whole landscape and enjoy the privileged view you’ve earned.
The first option robs you of peace.
The second robs you of relationships.
The third gives you something few ever reach: to be satisfied with your legacy.
You don’t need to be the most awarded artist in the world. You don’t need to be the bestseller of the year. What you need is to look at your journey, your risks, your battles, and be able to say: “I gave it everything. I stayed on the bus. And I found my vision.”
That legacy will last forever.
Getting off the bus will not.
Your turn: What project of yours deserves more time and patience before you decide whether it “works” or not?
Quote of the day: “Stay in your own lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.” — Brené Brown, Rising Strong
Here I plant ideas. In the newsletter, I make them grow.
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See you in the next letter, take care!
References
Minkkinen, A. R. (2013, March). The Helsinki Bus Station Theory: Finding Your Own Vision in Photography. PetaPixel. URL
Written by Mental Garden
Productivity and psychology inisghts in useful life lessons +3M monthly views and +300 articles
Published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life
Read short and uplifting articles here to help you shift your thought, so you can see real change in your life and health.
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培養「做個有原則的人」尊嚴 - The Conversation U.S.
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The Science of Defiance: Why We Comply (Plus: How to Resist Successfully)
You don’t need to be a rebel to defy. It isn’t about personality, it’s a practice — one that’s becoming essential in workplaces, politics and everyday life
The Conversation U.S., Sunita Sah, Professor of Management and Organizations, Cornell University, 10/03/25
Defiance need not be aggressive or loud. Sergio Mendoza Hochmann/Moment via Getty Images 請至原網頁查看示意照片
You’re in a meeting when your boss suggests changing a number to make the quarterly report look stronger. Heads nod. The slides move on. You feel a knot in your stomach: Do you speak up and risk being branded difficult, or stay silent and become complicit?
Most people picture defiance as dramatic outbursts. In reality, it’s often these small, tense moments where conscience collides with compliance.
I first saw the power of defiance not in the workplace, but closer to home. My mother was the ultimate people-pleaser: timid, polite, eager to accommodate. Barely 4 feet, 10 inches tall, she put everyone else’s needs above her own. But one day, when I was 7, I saw a different side to her.
We were walking home from the grocery store in West Yorkshire, England, when a group of teenage boys blocked our path in a narrow alleyway. They hurled racist insults and told us to “go back home.”
My reaction was instantaneous: Stay quiet, avoid conflict and get past them as quickly as possible. I grabbed my mother’s arm, urging her to move with me. But she didn’t. My quiet, deferential, never-confrontational mother did something completely different. She stopped, turned and looked the boys directly in the eyes. Then she asked, calmly but firmly, “What do you mean?”
She wasn’t loud or aggressive. And in that moment, she showed me that defiance doesn’t always roar, and it can come from the people you least expect.
I’ve carried these lessons into my work as a physician-turned-organizational psychologist. For decades, I’ve studied why people comply, staying silent when they don’t want to, and how they can resist wisely. In my book “Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes,” I offer a framework based on behavioral science research that can help you defy in ways that are intentional, effective and true to your values.
One setting where the choice to defy or comply can arise is work. FG Trade/E+ via Getty Images 請至原網頁查看示意照片
What defiance really is
When people think of defiance, they often picture teenagers slamming doors, protesters shouting in the streets or rebels breaking rules just for the thrill of it. But that’s not the kind of defiance I study or the kind that shapes our lives most often.
Defiance is not about being oppositional for its own sake. It’s about choosing to act in line with your values when there is pressure to do otherwise.
That pressure can come from anywhere: a boss urging you to fudge the numbers, a friend nudging you toward something you don’t believe in, a culture telling you to stay in your place. Defiance in those moments might be as small as saying “no,” asking for clarification or simply pausing instead of rushing along with the group. Other times, it means speaking up, challenging authority or maybe walking away.
Seen this way, defiance isn’t a fixed trait that some people are born with and others lack. It’s a practice: a skill you can strengthen over time. Some days you might comply, other days you might resist. What matters is that you have the awareness and the tools to make the choice consciously, rather than letting fear or habit decide for you.
Why people comply
If defiance is so important, why do people so often stay silent?
One reason is a psychological process I’ve uncovered in my research: insinuation anxiety. It arises when people worry that not complying with another person’s wishes may be interpreted as a signal of distrust. Turning down a boss’s request to “adjust” the numbers might feel like you’re implying they’re dishonest. To avoid that discomfort, you go along — even when it violates your values.
Behavioral science has long documented this pull toward compliance. In the 1960s, for example, psychologist Stanley Milgram showed that ordinary people would administer what they believed were dangerous electric shocks to strangers simply because an authority figure told them to.
My own research has shown surprisingly high levels of compliance with obviously bad advice, even when given by a stranger with no consequences for disagreeing. People feel immense social pressure to go along with what others suggest. That’s because if you’ve never been trained in how to say no, it feels uncomfortable and awkward.
A framework for action
If compliance is the human default, how can you build the muscle of defiance? In my research, I’ve developed a simple actionable guide that I call the Defiance Compass. Like a navigation aid, it orients you in difficult situations by asking three questions:
1. Who am I? What are the core values that matter most to me?
2. What type of situation is this? Is it safe to resist? Will it have a positive impact?
3. What does a person like me do in a situation like this?
How can I take responsibility and act in a way that’s consistent with my identity and values?
Three questions can help you zero in on whether the time is right for you to defy. (請至原網頁查看解說上述三個「問題」相互關係的流程圖 by Sunita Sah)
Asking these questions shifts defiance from a gut reaction to a conscious practice. And here’s what’s important: That third question (“What does a person like me do?”) circles back to the first (“Who am I?”), because how you act again and again becomes who you are.
Defiance doesn’t always mean open confrontation. Sometimes it means asking a clarifying question, buying time or quietly refusing. It can mean speaking up or walking away. The key is to start small, practice regularly and anchor your choices in your values. Like any skill, the more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
Why defiance matters now
Defiance may be risky, but it’s never been more relevant. At work, employees are pressured to meet targets at any cost. In politics, citizens face waves of misinformation and polarization. In everyday life, people struggle to set healthy boundaries. Across all these contexts, the temptation to comply for the sake of comfort is strong.
That’s why learning to defy strategically matters. It protects personal integrity, strengthens institutions and helps sustain democracy. And it doesn’t require being loud or confrontational.
Of course, not every act of defiance is safe or guaranteed to make a difference. Sometimes it comes at real personal cost and some people still choose to act even when the impact isn’t certain: think of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat, or Colin Kaepernick taking a knee. In those moments, the act itself becomes the message. Both of those individuals were deeply connected to their values and the assessment is personal: What feels worth the risk to one person might not to another.
Defiance does require practice: noticing when values are at stake, pausing before you nod along, and choosing actions that align with who you want to be. Each act of consent, compliance or defiance shapes not just your story but the stories of our societies.
If you practice defiance, and teach it and model it, you can imagine a different type of society. You can start to envision a world where, in that same alleyway from my childhood, one of the boys will step forward and tell his friends, “That’s not OK. Let them pass.”
Written by The Conversation U.S.
An independent, nonprofit news organization dedicated to unlocking the ideas and knowledge of academic experts for the public.
This article is from The Conversation, an independent nonprofit news organization dedicated to giving you the context to understand what’s going on in the world. Find out more about them or subscribe to their weekly newsletter.
Sunita Sah does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
Science-backed insights into health, wellness and wisdom, to help you make tomorrow a little better than today.
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愚蠢的性質和成分 ----- Ross Pomeroy
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自以為是 = 愚蠢
不合邏輯 = 愚蠢 X 2
自以為是 + 不合邏輯 = 愚蠢 X 愚蠢
你有這兩種「成分」嗎？如果有，多嚴重？
What Is Stupidity?
Ross Pomeroy, 03/02/19
What is stupidity? Surprisingly enough, it's a question few scientists have grappled with, perhaps out of a desire not to wade into a subject that could so easily offend. After all, the field of intelligence studies is rife with controversy. Still, some have tendered their thoughts.
Evolutionary biologist David Krakauer, President of the Santa Fe Institute, told Nautilus, “Stupidity is using a rule where adding more data doesn’t improve your chances of getting [a problem] right. In fact, it makes it more likely you’ll get it wrong.”
Carlo M. Cipolla, a professor of economic history at the University of California - Berkeley, argued that stupidity is characterized by causing losses to another person or group whilst deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses yourself.
In one of the few direct empirical studies on stupidity, researchers Balazs Aczel, Bence Palfi, and Zoltan Kekecs distilled a few traits that drive stupidity: overconfidence, ignorance, absentmindedness, impracticality, and an inability to control one's own actions.
Notice that none of these descriptions of stupidity simply refers to it as an absence of knowledge. Lacking information about a topic does not make one stupid, as one can always educate oneself. Rather, stupidity is more of a choice. If someone chooses to act without taking full measure of the available evidence, that is stupidity.
Since humans take countless actions that scythe across disciplines and scenarios, anyone – educated or not, wealthy or poor, politician or voter – can be stupid at one time or another. Although, it must be said, some tend to be stupid more often than others.
One area of research where we perhaps can see stupidity on paper is the Dunning-Kruger effect. As many studies have revealed, it seems surprisingly (and unfortunately) universal that people who lack correct information about a certain issue tend to think they are actually informed about it. Often, they even overestimate their knowledge by such a degree that they are more confident than people who actually know the correct information. These people, the ones who know little but profess to know a lot, can be said to be truly stupid.
Can stupidity be avoided or is it hard-wired? Perhaps writing tongue-in-cheek, Cipolla expressed the opinion that stupidity is genetically predetermined, an "indiscriminate privilege of all human groups... uniformly distributed according to a constant proportion."
I'll take the opposite stance. I believe that education can root out stupidity like a garden weed. The answer is not to merely teach facts, as is still all too common, but to teach people how to attain facts and how to discern a good source of information from a bad one. One must also learn to nurture a healthy degree of self-doubt. Essentially, the antidote to stupidity is a scientific way of thinking.
Related Topics:
intelligence, social science, psychology, stupidity
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快速學習竅門 -- Axel Casas
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You Are Not Stupid. This Is How You Can Master Anything
And boost your career
Axel Casas, PhD Candidate, 03/22/25
“I can’t learn. I’m not smart enough.”
Stop saying that. You-are-smart. And you love learning something new. This could sound counterintuitive, as many people in school would say they hate studying. But this is wrong.
Everyone loves learning.
But we disagree on what.
For example, you may hate your science lectures but love learning about new sports. Or you may hate the history of your country but love learning about the Cold War.
Learning is part of being human. Our powerful brains evolved to learn things quickly. That’s why you’re smart and capable of learning anything. So, take advantage of our evolution.
And start learning new things now.
Effective Learning Is Science, Not Magic
Let’s understand what learning means.
The APA dictionary of psychology defines learning as “the acquisition of novel information, behaviors, or abilities after practice, observation, or other experiences, as evidenced by change in behavior, knowledge, or brain function.”
One question worth asking is when does learning occur. In other words, how can you know when you learned something or not?
For example, you may have experienced forgetting or feeling your mind blank before an exam. You studied so hard for it. What happened? Well, the answer is that you didn’t learn effectively.
This means you didn't link information from your short-term to long-term memory.
* Short-term memory: lasts seconds, minutes, hours, or days.
* Long-term memory: last days, months, years, and even a lifetime.
* To learn more about the psychology of memory, read this.
So, effective learning happens when you link data to your long-term memory.
The key difference between successful and unsuccessful students is that the latter learn with ineffective methods. That means they use strategies that keep information in their short-term memory. This also creates a cognitive illusion, the illusion of learning, that happens when you believe you learned something when you didn’t.
Here are some examples of bad strategies:
* Rewatching: watching your lectures repeatedly gives you a false sense of understanding. You may struggle once you try to recall or do what they taught you. This happens a lot when learning programming.
* Rereading: same as rewatching but reading your notes and textbooks. The key problem with this method and rewatching is that they are passive. To learn effectively, you need active methods.
* Highlighting: although it helps to find key information to practice recalling better, many students think that highlighting their books alone or rereading them is enough to learn.
I wrote a post about them here.
Better strategies:
* Retrieval: flashcards, free recall, etc.
* Spaced practice: space out sessions to give your brain enough time to consolidate information.
* Interleaving: combine different but similar topics. Study topic A and B for 10 minutes separately. Then, when studying A or B, again, combine topics you learned from A or B.
* Interrogative elaboration: ask and answer how and why questions.
* Concrete examples: analogies, examples, etc., to better understand the topic.
* Dual coding: visualize topics with memes, mind maps, etc.
To learn more about these strategies, read this article.
How To Learn Anything
The takeaway for all of this is this definition:
Effective learning is about linking and making information stick to your long-term memory.
And everyone. Let me repeat. EVERYONE can achieve this. So, it is not that you’re dumb or stupid. It is just that you weren’t learning in the right way. I know this is annoying to read because we have been learning all our lives.
But probably not effectively.
And it is not your fault. Probably no one taught us how to learn effectively! In my case, I had to learn this by myself while studying Psychology.
So, focusing on effective learning is the first thing for your learning revolution and mastering everything. This is a huge topic. And if I wrote about that here, the article would be 1 hour long. But here’s my strategy to learn anything with links to read more if interested:
Meta-learning: understand how the knowledge is organized and create a path to master it (tip: use universities’ or courses’ programs). Read more here.
1. Effective study strategies: retrieval, spaced practice, interleaving, interrogative elaboration, dual coding, concrete examples. Read more here.
2. Focus and small habits: use the Pomodoro technique to focus for 25-minute study sessions. Read more here.
3. Time management: use the Pomodoro technique to understand how long a task takes you. Read more here.
4. Second brain: create a second brain to help your brain retrieve information. Read more here.
5. Learning system: with time, you will find a flexible system to learn anything.
Don’t expect to notice massive changes from one day to another.
Learning is a skill, and it will take time to get good, just like riding a bicycle or reading books faster. But it is one of the best soft skills to have. In the end, everything comes from learning new things. Master this, and you will become unstoppable.
Good luck!
Did you enjoy this article?
* Support my work by buying me a coffee.
* Consider joining 4K super learners in The Super Learning Lab.
* And get my free eBook “Rocket Learning: 7 Hacks To Survive University, Ace Exams, And Learn Anything.”
Thanks for reading!
See you,
Axel
Written by Axel Casas, PhD Candidate
Psychologist and PhD candidate in Neuroscience. Subscribe to the Super Learning Lab: https://rb.gy/tffezu | Contact me: https://forms.gle/SS4X9VRxWm5D6kae9
Published in Cogni.tiva
Learn the new frontiers of learning and master any topic.
相關閱讀
5 Books That Will Make You Smarter Than 97% Of People
And embrace effective lifelong learning
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6種長不大的小屁孩-shawnn
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6 Signs of a STUPID Man
Are You the Fool in the Room? 6 Signs of a Man Who Refuses to Grow.
shawnn, 07/04/25
Some men walk through life as cautionary tales (讓人警惕的活生生例子). They mistake noise for wisdom, comfort for progress, and ego for strength. They never pause long enough to ask, “Am I the problem?” But if you’re reading this if you’ve made it past the title then you’re already one step ahead.
Stupidity isn’t about IQ.
It’s a mindset.
A refusal to learn.
A commitment to emotional comfort over uncomfortable truth. And the danger?
A stupid man rarely knows he’s stupid. Here are six brutal, honest signs that you’re walking down the wrong path and how to turn around before it’s too late.
1. He Argues More Than He Listens.
There’s a man who always needs to be right. He argues endlessly, not to understand but to win. He twists words. Raises his voice. Calls it “debate” when really, it’s ego dressed up as dialogue.
But the Stoics knew better: “A wise man embraces truth, even when it wounds his pride.” Listening is a skill. Humility is a strength. And if you find yourself defending your opinion more than questioning it you’re not debating, you’re drowning.
2. He Believes in Luck More Than Discipline.
The stupid man sees a successful person and says,
“Must be nice.”
He blames the world never himself. He doesn’t see the early mornings, the discipline, the sacrifice. He just sees the outcome and calls it luck.
Why?
Because if success is luck, then he doesn’t have to change. He doesn’t have to show up. He doesn’t have to try. But the truth is:
“Luck is just discipline that showed up every day.”
Do the work. The results will feel like magic.
3. He Fights Meaningless Battles.
He argues with strangers online. He starts fights over nothing. He wastes hours defending opinions that won’t change a thing.
Why? Because it gives him the illusion of power.
But power isn’t about proving people wrong. It’s about choosing which battles are even worth your energy.
Marcus Aurelius wrote:
“You could be good today. But instead you choose tomorrow.”
What are you spending your time on?
Does it move your life forward or just drain it?
4. He Thinks Feelings Are More Important Than Reality.
The stupid man is a slave to emotion.
Angry? He yells. Sad? He quits. Hurt? He lashes out.
He wants the world to bend around his feelings. But the world doesn’t care. A wise man understands: “Emotions are waves. You don’t drown in them. You surf them.”
You feel your anger but you don’t act from it. You sit with sadness but you don’t collapse. Control your emotions, or they’ll control you.
5. He Never Learns From His Mistakes.
Some men touch the stove, get burned and touch it again.
And again.
And again.
They chase the same toxic people. Spend money they don’t have. Blame fate instead of facing facts. But every mistake is a lesson or a life sentence.
“You don’t have bad luck. You have bad patterns.”
Wisdom doesn’t come from experience. It comes from reflection. So ask yourself: What am I repeating that keeps burning me?
6. He Surrounds Himself with Fools.
Look around.
Are you the smartest man in the room? Then you’re in the wrong room.
The stupid man chooses comfort over growth. He surrounds himself with enablers gossipers, complainers, cowards. Why? Because it’s easier to stay small when no one around you is growing.
But the wise man?
He chooses friends who challenge him.
He finds mentors, not mirrors.
He wants to feel uncomfortable because he knows that’s where growth lives.
So Which Man Are You Becoming?
Stupidity is easy. It doesn’t ask questions. It doesn’t evolve.
It stays angry, bitter, lazy, loud and blind.
But if you’re willing to face yourself, really face yourself, then you’ve already begun the journey toward wisdom.
Here’s the truth:
You don’t have to be the fool in the room. You can choose to wake up. You can change your patterns. You can become the man people listen to not because you’re loud, but because you’re grounded.
Growth is quiet. Discipline is invisible. And wisdom?
It’s what happens when you finally get tired of your own excuses.
Written by shawnn
freelance writer
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想進步？改掉這5種常見習慣 - Sumanpreet Kaur
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「行為培養習慣；習慣塑造性格；性格決定你的一生」。-- Charles Reade
Quit These 5 Average Habits (They Are Destroying Your Growth)
These habits are silently sabotaging your potential.
Sumanpreet Kaur, 02/20/25
Most people want to break free from their mediocre lives, but they remain stuck. Why?
All because of this one reason:
Habits.
Average habits = Average life.
You are working relentlessly, around the clock. But something is holding you back. Your average habits have trapped you. And you don’t even realize it.
Most people believe success is about bold moves. Yes, it is. But those moves are powered by small habits (Yes, those small habits that most overlook). Our daily habits determine whether we thrive or merely survive.
Let me share the five average habits I eliminated — and when I did, I reclaimed time, peace, and accelerated growth.
1. Random social media check-ins
Those “quick” five-minute scrolls? They steal precious time you’ll never get back.
Look around you. People are glued to their phones, scrolling mindlessly.
At a café, in waiting rooms, and even mid-conversations — people are half-present. Scrolling. Consuming. Distracted. Living on autopilot.
Meanwhile, here’s how it impacts:
Wasted time (that could have been spent solving a problem)
* Drained focus (your attention span is your greatest asset)
* Lost moments (life happens when you’re not staring at a screen)
Whenever you’re going to scroll uselessly on social media, ask yourself:
Would my future self spend time like this?
Does my dream life have room for constant distractions?
When I reflected on these questions, I made a decision:
No social media from Monday to Friday.
Now, I am mindful of what watch, whom I listen to, and where my time is going. It changed how my everyday life looks.
Most people today are drowning in distractions.
I refuse to be one of them.
And you?
2. Waiting for the weekend
For a long time, I caught myself counting down to Saturday.
Wake up Monday. Push through the week. Finally, the weekend.
But then I realized — If I’m always waiting for the weekend, my weekdays aren’t worth it. Why?
* Instead of giving my best shot today, I’m thinking of the weekend.
* My focus is scattered. That means my efforts would not convert into concrete outcomes.
That was a serious problem.
So, I made these subtle changes:
* Set weekly goals.
* Planned the focus of my morning work hours.
* Included a daily journal in my routine to improve my consciousness.
Now? I focus on how I spend each day, how I improve my next day, and where I am heading.
Make your every day like a staircase towards progress, not just a countdown.
3. Overplanning the next 100 steps.
Planning to make $10K in one go is like trying to climb Mount Everest in a day — you’ll end up exhausted, frustrated, and stuck.
The quickest way to sabotage your progress is by obsessing over the 100th step when you’re only on the 10th.
Think about it: Your mind will not believe the idea of making straight $10K, but it will believe to reach $2K while you’re making $1K.
So, why not channel your energy into the very next step? Towards the step that’s small and feels achievable.
Now, I know what my area of focus is:
✔ My monthly goal is crystal clear.
✔ My weekly priorities keep me on track.
✔ My daily non-negotiables move the needle.
✔Including the mess up in my days, it just happens.
This is all I need. No more ‘5-step approach to 6 figures in 3 months.’ I don’t need it.
And now, to better implement this small focus approach, use this 1–3–5 strategy to reach goals:
* What is the one aim you want to achieve? For example, Gain clients from LinkedIn.
* What are the 3 goals you need to attain that aim? For example, Hit 5K LinkedIn followers, close 3 deals/month, and attend 2 sales meetings/ week.
* What are your daily 5 non-negotiables to complete each goal?
When you master small focus, you step into massive success.
4. Useless expenses
A while ago, I read something that changed how I manage money:
There are two ways to earn more money:
1. Spend less to earn more.
2. Make more to earn more.
So I asked myself, why not do both?
The next day, I checked my finance tracker. And I was shocked. Shocked and surprised over how my money was just flowing out.
Food delivery. Impulse buys. Random subscriptions.
It was money leaving my account without a second thought.
Now? Before any expense, I ask: Is this actually important?
Being conscious of my spending didn’t just save money — it made me more intentional in everything I do.
5. Eating While Watching My Phone
For years, every meal was accompanied by a side of YouTube, Instagram, or some podcast.
At first, it seemed harmless. Just entertainment.
But over time, I noticed something worse:
* I was eating too fast, barely tasting my food.
* I never felt done eating, because I was consuming content, not just food.
So I stopped. No screens. No distractions. Just me and my meal.
And everything changed.
✔ I actually enjoyed what I was eating.
✔I became more present (在意、主導、主控) in my own life.
✔I built a daily habit of mindfulness (專注) — without even trying.
Eating is one of the few daily rituals we can control — why waste it being distracted?
Your Daily Habits = Your Future Life
“Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny.” — Charles Reade (行為培養習慣；習慣塑造性格；性格決定你的一生。)
The small things we do every day? They aren’t small at all. They shape everything.
So, what will you choose?
* Keep average habits
* Or consciously (用心的) build high-quality habits.
After all, a delicious meal starts with fresh ingredients. The quality of life depends on the “ingredients” you choose — conscious acts and meaningful habits.
Written by Sumanpreet Kaur
1.2K followers；61 following
Published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life
Read short and uplifting articles here to help you shift your thought, so you can see real change in your life and health.
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不易做到的大腦/心理保健12招 -- Dr. Patricia Schmidt
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12 Brain & Mental Health Truths You Won’t Like - But Need to Hear
What I learned after 20+ years in neuroscience
Dr. Patricia Schmidt, Psychology Ghostwriter, 06/13/25
As a psychologist and neuroscientist with over two decades of research, I’m shocked by all the pseudoscience and misinformation on the internet about the brain and mental health.
The truth is: Brain health doesn’t have to be complicated, even though the brain is the most complex organ we know.
Here’s my compilation of 12 science-backed mental and brain health truths you might not have seen elsewhere.
1. Water does more for your brain than fancy supplements.
Your brain is over 70% water, and the fluids in your brain are vital for its function.
If you want your brain to work at full power, hydrate properly.
Many people are dehydrated — not in a medical or life-threatening sense, but their hydration level is insufficient for optimal brain function.
2. Sleep should be your top priority.
Sleep influences any function you can think of: memory, attention, problem-solving, decision-making, emotion regulation, appetite, you name it.
You’ve probably noticed that after a bad night, it’s hard to concentrate, you tend to overreact to emotional triggers, or feel hungrier than usual. This immediately shows you the importance of sleep.
Plus: While asleep, your brain cleans itself of waste and toxic proteins. That’s your glymphatic system at work. It’s like a waste disposal system on autopilot that keeps your brain healthy.
This cleaning process protects you from neurodegeneration and diminishes your risk for dementia and other diseases.
And don’t fall into the trap of sacrificing sleep to have more waking hours and get more done. It doesn’t work this way.
If you’re sleep deprived, you won’t be able to perform at your best.
3. Not all stress is bad for you.
I used to think stress was bad, and most people would agree.
But: That’s not true. Stress isn’t necessarily bad.
It’s a tool that activates your organism. Mild to moderate stress is beneficial and helps you achieve optimal performance.
Imagine how boring your life would be without stress. You would be stagnating.
Look at the following figure: 請至原網頁觀看壓力大小—工作能力關係說明圖
Source: https://integrativecancer.org/wp-content/uploads/Yerkes-Dodson-curve-1024x600.png
It represents the Yerkes-Dodson Law, which illustrates the relationship between stress level and performance.
It shows:
* When your stress level is low, your performance is low. You’re not activated or energized enough to perform.
* When your stress level is high, your performance is low, too. You’re too overwhelmed to perform.
* The sweet spot lies at an intermediate stress level: You feel challenged and energized but not overwhelmed, and your performance is optimal.
But you must change your mindset and acknowledge that stress benefits you.
Think of it as a challenge or growth opportunity rather than a threat, and channel the energy from your stress reaction into doing something productive to achieve your goals.
4. A walk in nature solves most of your problems.
Whether you feel tired, unable to concentrate, or are chewing forever on a problem, a walk will clear your mind. It’s like a reset button for your brain.
Science is only starting to discover the fantastic potential of walking for your brain and mental health.
If possible, walk in a green, natural environment. Walking is generally excellent, but its restorative potential is maximal in a natural environment.
Positive side effects: You get more steps in, regulate your internal clock thanks to natural light exposure (so, if possible, walk without sunglasses), and produce vitamin D.
5. Many health and fitness coaches are wrong.
They praise exercise and diet, and the better ones also focus on optimizing sleep.
While these are essential pillars for a healthy life, a fundamental one is missing: social relations.
Relationships are crucial for long-term (mental) health and dementia prevention. Their potential and importance are still underestimated.
A study shows that loneliness poses a health risk comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. (請參考此欄)
Be aware, though: Loneliness and being alone are different things.
* Someone can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
* Someone can be alone but not feel lonely.
6. Brain health and gut health are directly related.
Research shows a bidirectional link between the gut and the brain. The gut microbiota (a mix of microorganisms living in your gastrointestinal tract) influences brain function and mental health.
An unhealthy gut makes you depressed, sick, and miserable.
Don’t expect to feel great if you neglect your gut health.
What improves gut health?
* Consume more prebiotics (found in chicory root, garlic, asparagus, and other plant sources).
* Consume more probiotics (found in fermented foods: yogurt, kefir, sauerkraut, and more).
* Eat a balanced diet rich in nutrients and fiber.
* Reduce alcohol, sugar, and highly processed foods and beverages.
* Hydrate properly.
* Avoid excessive hygiene.
* Take antibiotics only when necessary.
* Manage stress.
The link between gut and brain health is still an emerging research field, but the evidence is promising.
7. Growth happens in your discomfort zone.
Your brain is wired for survival above all else.
It loves predictability and certainty.
If you want to grow rather than only survive, you must step out of your comfort zone and stop playing it safe.
Fear and discomfort aren’t signals to stop. They’re signals to pay attention.
8. Toxic positivity harms your mental health.
Negative emotions aren’t your enemies.
Feeling sad, angry, or afraid is normal.
Allow your emotions to happen instead of suppressing them.
Suppressing your negative emotions has devastating long-term consequences:
* In the short run, it increases stress reactivity (a stressor will activate your nervous system more than it would without previous emotion suppression).
* In the long run, it leads to poor health outcomes, such as an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
So: Use your emotions as signals instead of fighting them.
9. Excessive scrolling on social media destroys your brain.
It leads to a decreased attention span, increased distractibility, and wrecks your brain’s reward system.
Social media displays of polished perfection also generate a false image that everybody except you is perfect and has an ideal life, which is detrimental to your well-being.
So: Establish clear boundaries for your social media use and stick to them.
And when you’re not using your phone, leave it out of sight, ideally in another room, to regain your focus. I wrote an article about this topic in case you want to know more (見相關閱讀):
10. Recovery is as important as hard work.
Prioritizing recovery is essential for mental health and productivity.
Rest is NOT laziness. It keeps your brain healthy and prevents burnout.
Your brain function isn’t linear across the day. Regular breaks will make you more productive than powering through.
Don’t treat rest as a reward for work. It’s a requirement to do your best work.
11. Multitasking is a lie.
You can’t do more than one cognitive task at once.
What feels like multitasking is actually rapidly switching back and forth between tasks. The switches are so quick that it feels like you’re doing more than one thing at a time, but you’re not.
Each switch costs you cognitive resources and depletes them more quickly than when you focus on a single task.
Focused work will get you the results you want.
12. It’s impossible to control everything.
There are many things you can’t control. They just happen to you.
Stressing over (憂慮、擔心) them doesn’t make sense because you can’t change them.
The first step is acceptance: Accept that there are things in your life that you can’t control.
The 2nd step is to change how you think about them. Can you find meaning in them? Can you turn them into challenges or growth opportunities?
You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it.
This is my list of 12 truths about the brain and mental health. I hope some of them made you think or inspired you to implement changes in your life.
Let me know which one resonated the most with you or which one surprised you the most!
Hello! I am Dr. Schmidt, a doctor of psychology and neuroscientist turned ghostwriter.
If you want content like this delivered straight to your inbox, subscribe to my “ATP — All Things Psychology” newsletter!
My homepage: https://creatorschmidt.com
相關閱讀：
Your Attention Span Isn’t Wrecked. Here’s What’s Stealing Your Focus
How to improve your focus immediately, backed by science
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你有這7種「負面言行」嗎？ - Dr. Shainna
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本文作者為正牌心理學家，在情境和建議之外，對「負面言行」生成的原因也做了分析。值得細讀和進行舉一反三式的深思。也請參考本欄下一篇評論。
Is someone you know "toxic"?
Seven subtle signs of your own toxic traits
Dr. Shainna, 07/05/25
We all know what it feels like to be around toxic energy. Toxic behavior isn’t always obvious or intentional. Sometimes, it’s survival mode in disguise. Other times, it’s unhealed pain masked as control, criticism, or silence. In today’s TikTok Therapy world, we throw around the term “toxic” often, but rarely turn the lens inward. We’re quick to call out ghosting, gaslighting, and manipulation in others, but what if the red flags are in the mirror? What happens when we pause and ask: Could I be showing up in ways that hurt the people I care about? This piece explores 7 subtle ways we might unknowingly bring toxic energy into our relationships and how awareness can lead to change. This isn’t about shame, it’s about courage. Let’s gentle look inward before we point any fingers…
1. You struggle to take accountability
Do you deflect blame or justify your mistakes? Accountability isn’t about perfection, it’s about owning your impact. If you often say things like “Sorry you feel that way” or “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…,” you might be dodging responsibility. If vulnerability was punished in your past, defensiveness may feel like self-protection.
Try to shift:
* Replace blame with honest reflection.
* Shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What can I do next?”
2. You’re overly critical or judgmental
Do you correct, critique, or offer “honest feedback” that no one asked for? There’s a fine line between being real and being rude. If you regularly highlight flaws without balancing encouragement, it could be toxic. We often judge others where we feel most insecure ourselves.
Try to shift:
* Offer the compassion you wish you’d received
* Swap unsolicited advice for active listening.
3. You use emotional pressure to get your needs met
Do you sulk, withdraw, or guilt-trip when disappointed? Manipulation isn’t always calculated. Sometimes, it’s a learned way to cope when direct communication seems unsafe. If expressing needs was ignored or punished, guilt might feel like the only option.Yet, no matter the underlying reason, yielding power over someone else isn’t healthy.
Try to shift:
* Practice stating your needs clearly. Map them out by yourself first.
* Know that you’re allowed to want things, and to ask directly.
4. You push past boundaries
Do you take “no” personally? Are you often trying to change people’s minds? Respecting boundaries is a critical relationship skill. If you find yourself pushing back when others set limits, it may be time to pause. If boundaries weren’t modeled in childhood, they may feel like rejection now.
Try to shift:
* Learn to recognize boundaries as safety that protects you and others too.
* Reflect on your own boundaries.
* Practice asking people to share their boundaries in times you are unclear.
5. You add more negativity than positivity
Do people feel uplifted or drained after being around you? Honest venting can be okay at times, but if you’re often stuck in complaint mode, it can impact those around you. What examples do you have of raising the vibe and how does that compare to dampening the energy? Negativity can feel protective, like bracing for impact, but it also can inhibit connection.
Try to shift:
* Notice and name small wins and joys.
* Ground your honesty in hope.
6. You are a control-seeker
Do you plan everything, lead everything, and struggle to let go? Control can feel like safety when you’ve experienced chaos or betrayal. Fear of abandonment and the unknown often fuel control. While these are understandable anxieties, without working on them the need for control can eave others feeling suffocated.
Try to shift:
* Create a safe space to explore your fears of letting go
* Focus on building inner safety.
* Trust what’s meant for you won’t require force to stay.
7. You run from your problems
Do you ghost, shut down emotionally, or quietly build resentment? Sometimes toxicity is in what we don’t do. Silence, avoidance, and passive withdrawal are all signs of disconnection. Avoidance often stems from fear of confrontation or not feeling safe to express emotion.
Try this:
Reflect on the difference between acceptance and avoidance
Start small, you don’t have to tackle your biggest problems first.
Maybe you’re wondering, “Does this mean I’m toxic?” Not necessarily. Truth be told, if your toxicity was sky-high you likely wouldn’t have made it this far into this article. If you did notice room for growth, excellent work! It’s that awareness, that we often overlook, that sparks impactful change. Before you go please remember, no one is perfect, and being willing to look at the truth is meaningful work.
Dr. Shainna, creator of The Mental Wellness Practice
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