One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a
drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right
after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed.
But, I always had something else to take care of.  Finally she thought
of a clever way to make her point.

I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and
then went into the house. I was gone only a minute; when I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Lots of dust".

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

___________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman

I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability too.'

And then the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

That's when the fight began ...

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.