After Online Dating Online Making Up
網路約會之後 網路和好正夯
By Abby Ellin

Here is what Steve S. and Sarah B. do when they fight: They take a breath, go to their smartphones, and click on Couple Counseling & Chatting, a free app created by their real-life therapist, Marigrace Randazzo-Ratliff.
每當史蒂夫‧S和莎拉‧B爭吵時，他們會這麼做：深呼吸，找到智慧手機，點擊「夫妻輔導與聊天」，這是他倆真實生活中諮詢師瑪莉葛雷絲‧蘭達佐─拉特利夫開發的免費應用程式。

It helps the couple, who have been married 10 years and have two small children, figure out why they’re arguing.
它能幫助這對結婚10年、育有一對年幼子女的夫妻弄清楚為何會爭吵。

“When you’re not feeling good about each other, you fight, even over the most irrelevant things,” said Steve, 44, a brand development manager in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who asked that his last name not be used so he could speak more freely. “We use the app to help us learn what’s really causing us to be in a place where we’re going to rely on conflict.”
住在密西根州安娜堡，44歲的史蒂夫說：「彼此看不順眼就會爭吵，再不相干的事也能吵。我們藉由應用程式了解何以我們非槓上不可。」史蒂夫要求不透露姓氏，以便暢所欲言。

People have long used technology to find partners. But now technology is playing a growing role in relationships, according to a new report from the Pew Research Internet Project.
根據「丕優研究網際網路計畫」的一份新報告，人們用科技產品尋找夥伴已久，現在科技產品在維繫關係上日益重要。

The study found that among 1,428 adults in relationships, 25 percent of those who text had texted their partner when they were home together. Twenty-one percent of cellphone or Internet users in such relationships have felt closer to their partner because of their digital exchanges. Nine percent have settled arguments online or via text messages that they were unable to resolve in person.
該研究發現，在1,428名處在伴侶關係中的成人中，會傳簡訊的人，有25%即使兩人都在家，還是會傳簡訊給伴侶。這種關係中，又有21%的手機或網際網路使用者，因為彼此的數位交流而覺得更親。9%透過網路或簡訊解決無法當面解決的爭端。

So it is unsurprising that new apps meant to enhance communication and prevent conflicts have sprung up. Among the newer ones are Couple Counseling & Chatting, Embre (pronounced ember) and Romantimatic; older apps include Fix a Fight and Love Maps (which is designed by the relationship experts John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle).
因此，加強溝通、避免衝突的應用程式紛紛出籠不足為奇。較新的是「夫妻輔導與聊天」、「安珀」和「自動浪漫」；舊的應用程式包括「言歸於好」與「戀愛地圖」（它由西雅圖「高特曼協會」人際關係專家約翰與茱莉‧高特曼設計）。

Leslie Malchy, a couples therapist in Vancouver, British Columbia, says apps like these have the potential to be useful, particularly as “an adjunct to the therapy process.”
加拿大卑斯省溫哥華的夫妻治療師李絲莉‧馬奇說，這些應用程式具有實用潛力，特別是作為「治療過程的輔助工具」。

But she wouldn’t recommend this approach to couples in extreme distress. Indeed, she said, some partners might hide behind apps “in order to remain distant.” There are no studies exploring whether relationship software might help couples in crisis.
但對極端失和的夫妻她不推薦這種方法。事實上，她說，有些伴侶可能會躲在應用程式後面「以保持距離」。尚無研究探討人際關係軟體能否幫助婚姻亮紅燈的夫婦。

Ms. Randazzo-Ratliff said her free app grew out of 25 years of experience as a counselor. “I wanted to teach people about conflict and conflict resolution,” she said. “There are stressors in life, bad habits from your past, different things that hang you up – and we take all our stress out on our spouse, unfortunately.”
蘭達佐─拉特利夫說，她的應用程式來自25年的諮詢經驗。她說：「我想教導人們了解衝突和解決方法。生活壓力、來自過去的壞習慣，阻礙溝通的林林總總－很遺憾，我們會將壓力全發洩在配偶身上。」

Users fill out a self-evaluation, answering questions like: How do you deal with anger? Are you passive-aggressive? Directly confrontational?
使用者需填寫自我評估表，回答一些問題，如「你如何處理憤怒？您屬於被動攻擊型？直接衝突型？」

Once the partners determine their arguing style, they are given homework: Sit down and discuss a specific situation, say, or get in the bathtub and rub each other’s feet. After an assignment is completed, couples move on to the next series of questions. In theory, they could do it forever.
這些伴侶確定了爭吵風格後，會給他倆一份家庭作業。如夫妻倆坐下來討論某個情況，或是進浴缸搓對方的腳。完成一項家庭作業後，便移到下一系列問題。理論上可以一直做下去。

But Dr. Daniel Bober, a psychiatrist who works with couples in Hollywood, Florida, and is also an assistant clinical professor at the Yale School of Medicine, is skeptical of relationship apps in general.
羅伯博士是在佛州好萊塢協助夫妻改善關係的精神科醫師，也是耶魯大學醫學院臨床助理教授，他對應用程式的功能大體持懷疑態度。

“It’s ironic that people are using an app for conflict resolution,” he said, “because part of the nature of conflict resolution is communication, and so much of communication between human beings is nonverbal” and requires face-to-face interaction.
他說，「人們用應用程式解決衝突非常諷刺。因為解決衝突的部分本質是溝通，而人際溝通有太多不靠語言」，需要當面互動。

Romantimatic, which can be downloaded for $1.99 from the Apple app store, is more of a “conflict mitigation app,” said its founder, Greg Knauss, 46, a computer programmer in Woodland Hills, California, who has been married for 18 years and has three teenage sons.
在蘋果應用程式商店可以1.99美元下載「自動浪漫」。開發人是加州伍德蘭山46歲的程式設計師克努斯，他說，「自動浪漫」應屬「緩解衝突的應用程式」。他結婚18年，有3個十來歲的兒子。

Users can create their own love sonnets or send prewritten missives, like virtual Cyrano de Bergeracs: “Totally swamped, but can’t get you off my mind.” “Hey. I’ve got this extra back rub here. Do you know someone who might want it?”
使用者可自己撰寫愛的十四行詩，或是發送別人代筆的範例，如虛擬的「大鼻子情聖」：「徹底淹沒，但無法將你抽離我的腦海。」、「嘿。我這裡有額外的背部按摩。知道有誰可能需要嗎？」

“By communicating on a regular basis – and by having the foundation of good will that comes from that – when conflicts do arise in the relationship, they can be dealt with easier, faster and more sensibly,” he said.
他說：「透過定期的溝通，以及從溝通產生的善意基礎，當兩人的關係發生衝突時，才能更輕易、更快速、更理智地解決。」

Some couples, like Quinn and Nathan Strong, both 26, of Shreveport, Louisiana, think their union is stronger thanks to apps like Couple Counseling & Chatting.
有些夫婦，如路易斯安納州雪瑞夫波特同為26歲的昆英和奈森‧史特隆，認為「夫妻輔導與聊天」使他們婚姻關係更穩固。

“We have had issues with communication,” said Ms. Strong, a stay-at-home mother and an artist. So they decided to try the app. “For me, it quickens what would have been an ongoing disagreement into a less lengthy one that ends in great resolve,” she said. “The disagreements now have purpose.”
留在家中的母親兼藝術家史特隆女士說：「我們有溝通的問題。」因此他們決定試試這個應用程式。她說：「對我來說，它使原屬持續性的意見不合步調加快，把爭執時間縮短了，最後並獲得很棒的解決。爭執不再無的放矢。」

原文參照：
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/10/after-online-dating-online-making-up/

2014-06-03聯合報/G5版/UNITEDDAILYNEWS 王麗娟譯 原文參見紐時週報十一版左