Parents Have Alternatives to Bribery

不想賄賂孩子 怎麼辦？

By Bruce Feiler

I’ve read a small library of articles that have laid out evidence that giving children rewards – from money to sweets to an extra hour before bedtime – not only doesn’t work in the long term, it actually has a negative effect on them. So bribing is bad. And yet I, my wife and nearly every other parent I know resorts to this tactic.
我看過好些文章，列出證據說明獎賞孩子 ─ 從給錢、給糖果到讓他們晚一小時睡覺，長期下來不只無效，實際上還有反效果。所以，賄賂孩子很不好。然而，我，我太太，以及幾乎我認識的每個家長，還是得靠這一招。

What’s a beleaguered parent to do instead?
不用賄賂，無計可施的家長又該怎麼辦？

THE TALKING CURE Edward Deci, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, New York, said the biggest problem with tangible rewards is that they actually work, at least in the short run. But with children, since you are trying to get them to adopt a behavior “more or less ongoingly for the rest of their lives,” the technique will backfire unless you’re prepared to offer the same reward every time.
說理。紐約州羅徹斯特大學心理學教授戴希說，獎賞賄賂最大的問題正在於，至少短期而言它還真有效。然而對孩子來說，既然你的目的是讓他們接納一種「差不多要伴隨一生」的品行，除非你準備每次都給相同獎賞，否則這一招會失敗。

Dr. Deci recommends a three-step alternative. First, be clear about why what you’re asking them do is important. Second, be interested in their point of view. Finally, “Don’t use words like ‘should,’ ‘must’ and ‘have to,’ ” he said. “All of those things that convey to them you’re a big person trying to push around a little person.”
戴希建議採取三段式替代方法。第一，對孩子說清楚為什麼你的要求非常重要。第二，要在意他們的看法。第三，不要用「應該」、「一定」、「必須」這類字眼。對他們來說，這表達的是：你是個想擺布孩子的大人。

MAKE IT A GAME Alan Kazdin, the director of the Yale Parenting Center, said the problem with incentives is they focus too much attention on the desired result instead of the behavior that leads up to the result.
把它當作遊戲。耶魯親職中心主任卡茲汀說，提供誘因壞在把太多注意力放在想要的結果上，卻忽略了導致結果的行為。

For example, if you want your children to eat more vegetables, instead offering them $10 to do so, take the pressure off by telling them they don’t have to eat vegetables now but just keep them on their plate. Then you offer a point to whomever can put the least amount of vegetables on their fork. The next day you have a competition for who can touch the fork to their tongue.
例如，希望孩子多吃蔬菜，與其賞10美元卻帶著賄賂的壓力，不如告訴孩子，當下不必吃，就把蔬菜留盤裡，然後你誇獎能在叉子上叉起最少量蔬菜的人。隔天來個比賽，看誰可以把叉了少量蔬菜的叉子碰到自己的舌頭。

SWITCH FROM IF-THEN REWARDS TO NOW-THAT Daniel Pink, author of “Drive,” said the problem with bribing is not the rewards; it’s the contingency, which is a form of control. He suggests replacing what he calls if-then rewards with now-that rewards, meaning the prize is giving spontaneously and after the fact. “There’s no harm in then saying, ‘You did a great job. Let’s go out for a milkshake.’ ”
把「如果…就，改成「既然…就」。《驅動力》一書作者品克說，賄賂問題不出在獎賞，而在偶然性，也就是一種控制方式。他建議把這種「如果…就」的獎賞，改成「既然…就」，就是在事實發生後自然地給獎。「因此，如果說『你表現得很好，我們出去喝杯奶昔吧。』就無傷大雅。」

But Mr. Pink cautioned that after-the-fact rewards can quickly turn into an entitlement.
但品克提醒我們，事後的獎賞可能很快就會變成孩子自覺應享的權利。

PRAISE IS THE REWARD If you do give rewards occasionally and unexpectedly, what type of rewards are best? Research clearly suggests that praise is usually a sufficient reward, said Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford University in California. She suggests parents make their praise specific, and focus on the process the child went through to achieve the behavior. “You could say, ‘I really liked the way you waited patiently for me to finish my phone call, because you understood that phone call was important,’ ” she said. “Or, ‘I really liked how you expressed gratitude to Grandma, just like you appreciate it when I thank you for doing something for me.’ ”
稱讚就是獎賞。如果你偶爾或非出於預期地給獎，如何獎賞最好？加州史丹福大學心理學教授卡洛兒．德威克說，有研究明確顯示，稱讚往往就夠了，她建議家長稱讚孩子時要明確，把重點擺在達成目標的過程。她說：「你可以說，『我很高興你耐心等我講完電話，因為你了解那通電話很重要。』或是『我很喜歡你對奶奶表達感恩的樣子，就跟我謝謝你為我做事讓你很開心一樣。」

I was relieved that all the experts said it’s O.K. to resort to blunt rewards on occasion. If you simply must get that child on the plane, or if you absolutely need that child to stop misbehaving so you can speak to the doctor, go ahead, bribe away. As Dr. Deci told me, “If you’re under a lot of stress or in a bad place, then having a conversation at that moment is not going to work.”
所有專家都說偶爾隨便給獎倒也無妨，這讓我鬆了口氣。如果你必須讓孩子登機，或者讓孩子停止失禮行為好跟醫師說話，就賄賂吧。就像戴希博士對我說的：「如果你壓力很大或處境狼狽，說理是沒用的。」

But, he emphasized, don’t let the situation end there. “You need to sit down the next afternoon when everyone’s calm, talk it through from both sides, then discuss ways so the behavior doesn’t happen again,” he said.
但他強調，還有後續工作要做。他說：「隔天下午，大家都心平氣和了，你們得坐下來，兩方面把話說個清楚，然後討論出如何讓脫序行為不再發生。」

原文參照：
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fashion/modifying-a-childs-behavior-without-resorting-to-bribes-this-life.html

2013-01-29聯合報/G5版/UNITEDDAILYNEWS 馮克芸譯 原文參見紐時週報十一版下