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談情說愛篇 – 開欄文
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瀏覽1,361 ｜回應15｜推薦1 |
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在《《男人的秘密》前言》這篇拙作中(該欄2025/06/11)，我有下面這段文字：
「經過考慮後，我決定不另開一個『兩性關係』專欄。基本上，男、女相處的成功之道，和與眾人相處的成功之道相同：『尊重』、『試圖了解』、和『不要急著下定論』。」
雖然這是才一個半月前說的話，現在看起來自己都難為情；在木頭、迂腐、和不解風情外，還真有點愚蠢。倒不是我最近忽然開了竅，而是年紀大了，腦筋有時難免打個結或暫時性癡呆；那段話也可能是務實和理性思考慣了的後遺症。
總之，我的確不是「愛情專家」，這方面的經驗也少得可憐；此欄目的和其它專欄一樣，不在分享心得，而在收集同一主題的報導、評論、建議等等，以便於參考。
相關閱讀：
* 《女人的內心世界》(該欄2025/06/16)
* 《男人的秘密》(該欄2025/06/12
本文於 修改第 1 次
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《阿里山的姑娘》歌詞的愛情故事 – 孫才傑
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索引：
鄧禹平
《阿里山的姑娘》
催人淚下的愛情絕唱 -- 《阿里山的姑娘》詞作者鄧禹平的淒美愛情故事
孫才傑，2019年12月7日
高山青，澗水藍。
阿里山的姑娘美如水呀，
阿里山的少年壯如山啊。
高山長青，澗水長藍。
姑娘和那少年永不分呀，
碧水常圍著青山轉。
這首出自著名詩人鄧禹平筆下的歌曲曾讓千百萬歌者為之動情。然而，誰又能想到，這首被傳唱百年不衰的愛情歌曲《阿里山的姑娘》，實際就是作者本人真實的愛情寫照！這份被林海音、羅忠鎔、席慕容見證並為之歌頌的愛情故事最終以波瀾跌宕的淒涼結局留下千古遺憾，令不少熟知他們的人扼腕長歎！
雖然《阿里山的姑娘》這首歌背後的故事至今鮮為人知，但我們相信，海峽兩岸那份濃濃的情感依歸牢不可破﹗
「高山青，澗水藍，阿里山的姑娘美如水呀，阿里山的少年壯如山啊……」這首出自著名詩人鄧禹平筆下的歌曲，早已傳遍華人世界。然而，誰又能想到，這位出生在四川的著名詩人，在寫出《阿里山的姑娘》的時候，根本沒去過阿里山呢？
郎才女貌惹人羨
鄧禹平出生於四川省三台縣三元鎮，從小聰明好學，深得老師和同學厚愛。
抗戰爆發後，東北淪陷。東北大學被迫遷往四川三台縣。當時正在三台中學讀書的鄧禹平有幸接觸到了東北大學許多抗戰積極分子。在這些積極分子的影響下，鄧禹平逐漸明白了抗日救亡的道理。
很快，在他的帶領下，三台中學成立了學生劇組，由鄧禹平負責編劇、排練和演出。
這天，劇團為前方義演募捐。正要開演時，演主角的演員突然以無錢為由而罷演。鄧禹平氣憤地站了出來：「他不演我演！劇團是為抗日演出，不能討價還價！」
在大家贊許的目光下，鄧禹平登上了舞臺。演出獲得極大成功。
演出結束後，劇團的演職人員將鄧禹平團團簇擁著，給他倒水、擦汗。突然，一束帶著馨香的玫瑰遞到他面前。鄧禹平接過玫瑰，看見一個女生那雙羞澀中夾著敬佩的眼睛。
兩天後，鄧禹平帶著畫板來到學校後面小山坡前寫生，他意外發現那晚向他送花的女生正坐在他平時畫畫的地方，長長的秀髮如一抹流瀉的瀑布悄然無聲。
女生對他的到來並不吃驚，好像心中早已計算出這種結果。兩人老朋友似地無話不談。女生叫白玫，出生在三台縣城一個富庶之家，在學校女生部讀書，比鄧禹平低一級。
「你怎麼知道我要到這來？」鄧禹平滿腹疑問。白玫告訴鄧禹平，自從他主辦學校的黑板報《墨潮週刊》後，她就是他忠實的讀者，他的才華和他幽雅的風度吸引了她。尤其在幾天前的那場演出中，他冒險救場更讓她對他刮目相看。
才華橫溢又貌不出眾的鄧禹平成為校園風雲人物後，追求他的女性不乏其人。鄧禹平卻一向目不斜視，令不少追求者聞之卻步。如今，這個從未向他表露過心跡的女孩讓他緊閉的心扉怦然而動。他叫白玫坐在前面的草坡上，拿起畫筆認認真真地勾畫起來。
半小時後，一幅素描躍然紙上。他將畫取下交給白玫：「留個紀念吧！」白玫小心地將畫收藏起來。
由於家庭貧困，鄧禹平唯讀到高二就休學了，到南城小學代課教音樂和美術。白玫常到學校去看他，為他買去他喜歡看的進步書籍。
每次，當白玫將一摞摞書籍遞在鄧禹平手中時，鄧禹平總是難為情地說：「玫，又讓你破費了……」
白玫婉兒一笑：「只要你喜歡看……」
鄧禹平緊緊抓住白玫的手，幾滴熱淚從眼角流下……
1944年春天，鄧禹平離開三台來到重慶，去報考中央電影製片廠演員劇團。看著心愛的戀人即將遠去，白玫默默地流淚不止。鄧禹平為她擦去眼角淚珠：「不論是天涯海角，我都等你……」
汽車要開走了，鄧禹平揮手向戀人告別。突然，白玫快步沖上車門，將一根嶄新的手絹塞在他手中，又扭頭跑下車去。鄧禹平展開手絹，一朵剛剛繡好的玫瑰，紅得吐豔，紅得滴血。鄧禹平抬頭望去，白玫的影子已漸漸遠去，他小心的將手絹藏好，隨著汽車嗚嗚的笛聲淚眼朦朧……
忠貞不渝的愛情絕唱
鄧禹平沒有想到自己如此幸運！
1944年的重慶，雲集了中國大部分文藝界名人，且大都是沖著報考中國電影製片廠演員劇團的。但鄧禹平又是幸運的，儘管有300多人前來競爭兩個名額，他還是以其非凡的才華獨佔鰲頭。他把這一喜訊寫信告訴了白玫。
半個月後，他收到了白玫的回信。信中，白玫除了給予他更多鼓勵外，說得最多的是心中默默的相思。
夜裏，鄧禹平輾轉難眠，披衣為白玫寫信：「玫，請不要為我擔心，我會照顧好自己的。雖然天各一方，我心依舊在你身邊……」
鄧禹平個子矮小，不能演主角，最多只能演一些配角。這對一心要幹出一番事業的鄧禹平來說，無異於兜頭一盆冷水。於是，他乾脆不再沉溺於一味要求演戲，將自己大部分精力放在詩歌和書畫創作上。短短兩年時間，他寫下了大量膾炙人口的詩稿，畫了厚厚一疊各種素描。
1945年夏天日本投降後，白玫專程去重慶看望鄧禹平。在重慶這段時間，是兩人最開心的日子。為了和心愛的人在一起，白玫瞞著父母，悄悄報考了重慶女子師範學校。很快，白玫來到重慶讀書，和鄧禹平相聚了。
白玫和鄧禹平的戀情被白家人知道後，他們竭力反對兩人的婚事。認為白玫一個大家閨秀，憑什麼嫁給一個窮書生。為了達到阻止兩人相戀的目的，白家人以父母病重為幌子將白玫騙回三台，強行她與一位富家公子訂婚。
如夢初醒的白玫堅決不同意父母為他選下的婚事。父母的態度強硬而粗暴：「這事由不得你！」
白玫沖進臥室，抱著鄧禹平的照片哭得肝腸寸斷：「禹平，我不能沒有你。我的心早已和你在一起。我是死也不會另嫁他人……」
晚上，父母又來到白玫的臥室，勸導女兒和鄧禹平分手。
白玫呆呆地望著父母的背影絕望了！此時此刻，她多麼希望鄧禹平能來到身邊，帶著她一起遠走高飛。突然，她腦子裏閃過一絲意念，如果自己真的死了，丟下鄧禹平咋辦？他肯定會發瘋的！我不能死，我要去找自己的心上人！白玫悄悄推開窗子，踩著凳子從窗口跳了出去。
兩天後，白玫疲憊不堪地來到重慶。但令他想不到的是，鄧禹平已到了上海！
原來，電影廠要遷回上海，鄧禹平本想帶白玫一起到上海，久等不見白玫歸來，只得和電影廠的人乘船走了。
「白玫，我本想留下來等你，但望斷秋水也不見你的身影。我只好暫時離開你了，相信我們很快會見面的！」
白玫捧著鄧禹平給她留下的信痛哭失聲：「老天爺，你為什麼這麼捉弄人啊！」
秋風乍起，山城的夜色燈光零落，白玫獨自徘徊在朝天門碼頭直到天亮。
1947年7月，白玫師範畢業，不等學校舉行畢業典禮，她就迫不及待地要去上海。
碼頭上，她正準備買票時，收發室交給她一封信。她拆開一看，是鄧禹平寄來的。
鄧禹平告訴她，電影廠拍攝《阿里山風雲》，劇組要到臺灣去拍外景，拍完後很快就會回來：「玫，一葉扁舟載去了我的哀與愁，我們越離越遠了……但是，無論在什麼樣環境下，我都不會放棄我們的理想和追求！不要著急，我們很快就會見面的……」
海天永隔斷腸人
鄧禹平沒有想到這一去竟成永別！
遼闊的臺灣海峽波險濤惡，四十多人的劇組經過漫長的海上歷程後，來到臺灣。
鄧禹平在戲中扮演一個次要角色，顯得很清閒。一天，導演張徹找到他：「禹平，大家都說你是鬼才，《阿里山風雲》已拍了一半了，還沒有歌詞，你來寫兩首歌詞吧。」鄧禹平爽快地答應了。
可是寫什麼呢？鄧禹平一時無從下筆。他沒到過阿里山，不知道阿里山到底是什麼樣。夜裏，鄧禹平獨自在燈下苦苦思索。無意中，他拿出白玫的照片，想起他們在家鄉的山泉邊嬉戲的情景，想起他們在學校後面的山坡前吟詩作畫的點點滴滴。那一抹清澈的泉水，白玫醉人的微笑影子一樣閃進他的腦海。他突然領悟，祖國的河山不論什麼地方，都是青山綠水，家鄉的風光雖不能代表阿里山的美景，卻能以窺斑見豹的方式展現祖國山川的秀麗。他頓時靈思如泉，揮筆寫下「高山清，澗水藍，阿里山的姑娘美如水呀，阿里山的少年壯如山啊……」
寫好後，他反復吟頌，覺得十分滿意，馬上叫醒正睡夢中的張徹，將歌詞交給了他。張徹一看，拍手叫好，披衣為其譜曲。天亮時，曲譜好了，兩人在輕輕的吟唱中迎來了曙光。
鄧禹平抑制不住內心的激動，他揮筆給白玫寫信，告訴她，電影馬上就要拍完了。到時，他就會回到她身邊，和她生生死死在一起！
《阿里山風雲》剛拍到一半時，上海解放了。上海解放的消息傳到臺灣後，劇組的人全慌了，大家顧不上拍戲，紛紛準備要回上海和家人團聚。人心已散，公司只好作出回上海的打算，派人去買機票。
中午，買機票的人回來了，帶給大家的是喜悅中夾著失望。只有不到十張飛機票。頓時，不少人開始去哄搶機票，沒有去搶的人卻在一邊暗暗流淚。一個女演員哭得肝腸寸斷：「我要回上海，我要見我兒子……」
導演張徹站了出來：「大家都不要吵。我理解大家的心情。說實話，誰不想回上海與親人團聚？但飛機票只有這麼幾張，是去是留不能由我們個人的意志來決定。為了保證合理分配機票，我們只有採取抓鬮的方式來決定。抓著了就回上海，抓不著，就留下吧……」
四十多個紙團放在一個小碗裏，人們爭先恐後地將手伸向碗裏。幾秒鐘後，有人大哭，有人大笑。鄧禹平將紙團拿在手上，久久地不忍拆開。他害怕紙團上的符號讓他的夢想永遠留在臺灣。見所有的人都將紙團拆開了，鄧禹平才慢慢地將紙團打開。他將眼在紙團上迅速一掃，心頓時變得像紙團一樣空白。
「老天爺啊，你為什麼要這樣啊？！」鄧禹平捂著臉哭了起來。
張徹走到他身邊：「禹平，不要難過。等下次機會吧……」「下次，還有下次嗎？！」鄧禹平激動得不能自製。
抓著鬮的人要回上海了，鄧禹平和所有沒有離開的人去機場相送。他給每一個回上海的人都囑託，要他們給遠在四川的白玫帶話，叫她等他，他一定會回來！
飛機龐大的機身騰空而起，載去了遠在他鄉的親人的問候，也將鄧禹平心中的夢想一點一點地擊得粉碎。一年過去了，兩年過去了，回上海的夢一天天地徹底破碎了。鄧禹平終於明白，他和白玫今生今世，只能是咫尺天涯了！
血淚編織的《世紀絕戀》
無法和戀人在一起，白玫在重慶找了一份教書的工作暫時呆在那裏，期盼著和鄧禹平相見的那一天。
一天晚上，白玫正準備去睡覺，有人敲門找她。那人一進屋，什麼也不說，只掏出一張手絹給她。白玫一看，這不正是她當年送給鄧禹平的那只手絹嗎？她意識到有不幸的消息要降臨到她身上，她迫不及待地追問來人，到底發生了什麼事。
來人還未說話，就已泣不成聲：「鄧禹平回不來了……」白玫一驚，拽著來人的衣服問：「到底發生了什麼事啊？」來人將在臺灣發生的事一五一十地告訴了她。
「啊——！」白玫如遭雷擊一般呆住了。「禹平，你為什麼不回來啊……你把我一人留在這兒做什麼啊……」「禹平讓你等他，他一定會想辦法回來的！」來人臨走時告訴她。
白玫在屋裏睡了三天三夜。突然而降的災變像巨石一樣擊碎了她心中美好的希冀。她呼喊著鄧禹平的名字，一遍遍地將他們在一起的回憶在腦海裏重播。突然，她想鄧禹平不可能不會回來的，也許這是來人在騙她，說不定鄧禹平此時正在從上海到重慶的輪船上呢！她跌跌撞撞地朝碼頭跑，從晨曦高照一直等到暮色西沉，一葉葉小舟都已扯帆倦航，她仍不肯回去。
時間在平靜中如流水一般過去。鄧禹平始終沒有消息。白玫的容顏一天天地憔悴，鬢角的華髮已寸寸相逼。有人勸白玫，鄧禹平是不會回來了，乾脆找個人嫁了算了。白玫輕輕地搖了搖頭：「不。我要等他。他會回來的。」
再說滯留臺灣的鄧禹平左等右等，一直無法等到回大陸的機會。為了排解心中那份對戀人的牽掛，他只好將濃濃的思念在文學藝術上傾瀉。他以「夏狄」、「雨萍」等筆名，創作了大量的文學作品，以及《我送你一首小詩》、《我的思念》、《傘的宇宙》、《下雨天的週末》、《除非》、《並不知道》等大量歌詞，在全球華人中傳唱。其中，《我送你一首小詩》傳到大陸，由著名歌唱家朱逢博演唱後，引起極大轟動。
鄧禹平在文學上的巨大成就，使他成為臺灣文壇上一顆耀眼的新星，各種文藝大獎頻頻降臨到他頭上，「小神童」、「鬼才」美譽滿天飛，曾得到臺灣一些政界要人的青睞。一次，何應欽率領「道德重整會」代表團到歐洲訪問，指名要鄧禹平前往。
鄧禹平的才氣驚動了蔣經國。蔣經國找到鄧禹平，要他在他手下的一個青年團體裏作文化幹事。鄧禹平懷著報效國家民族的原望投在蔣經國門下，只想將一生報負盡力施展。但他沒想到的是，他出色的工作能力和高深的文學造詣，引起了他人的嫉妒。鄧禹平看透了其中的一切，頓時信心全喪。儘管蔣經國仍許與他不少誘惑，他依然拂袖而去。
失業後的鄧禹平窮困潦倒至極。有時，他窮到連房租都付不起。在他最困難的時候，他幾乎一周有六天是在第一個演唱《高山青》的張茜茜女士家裏吃的飯。這時候，他心中更多的是對遠在海峽對岸的戀人的深切呼喚：我差小雨來敲你窗/我差輕風來按你的門鈴/我差思念來牽你——入我的夢！
詩寫好了，他獨自而歌。歌畢，又大哭大笑。然後鋪開大紙，將心中無法排解的憂愁盡情地在宣紙上潑灑。
一堆黃土埋風骨
是著名作家林海音將鄧禹平的愛情故事推向一個淒美的高潮。
60年代末，鄧禹平在臺北舉辦個人畫展。這天，一位氣度不凡的中年女士來到鄧禹平的畫前，仔細地觀賞著一幅幅畫。她就是林海音。
突然，林海音在一幅長髮少女的側面特寫前立住了，細細地品味著作者絕妙的構思和高超的技巧，以及畫上那長長的詩句：千斟佳釀不能醉我/萬罐糖蜜不能迷我/若要我怡然酩酊/除非你那淺淺的酒窩……
林海音來到鄧禹平面前，微笑著問道：「您能告訴我這畫中的少女是誰嗎？」鄧禹平沉吟著沒有回答。
這時，有人悄悄告訴他，此人正是大名鼎鼎的林海音時，鄧禹平頓時熱淚長湧。他像找到知音一樣向林海音講述了畫中的少女正是他20年前的初戀女友白玫。林海音聽完這天方夜談般的故事後唏噓不已。她告訴鄧禹平，她正暢銷海內外的長篇小說《曉雲》中的主人公曉雲也是這個樣子。林海音激動地說：「鄧先生，難為你這樣為白玫相守。您有什麼需要我幫您做的嗎？」鄧禹平淒然一笑：「我想見白玫。您能幫我嗎？」林海音黯然搖頭。「要是我以後這部書再版的話，我一定用這幅畫來做封面！」
1982年，在朋友鐘光榮的幫助下，鄧禹平終於登上了阿里山。在看到阿里山秀麗的景色時，鄧禹平再次萌生回大陸和白玫相聚的願望。
1983年，鄧禹平中風後住在臺北空軍醫院，林海音多次前往醫院看他，為他捎去他愛看的書籍。一天，林海音又到醫院去看他，問鄧禹平有不有需要她幫忙的事。鄧禹平囁嚅良久，淚流滿面地說：「我和白玫相隔40餘年，恨今生不能相逢。這幾十年裏，我為她寫下了數百首詩，卻無法讓她看到。我只有一個願望，在我臨死前能將這些詩結集出版，我死也瞑目了……」林海音難過地用手揩掉眼角的淚珠，用肯定的口氣說：「你放心，我一定為您辦好這件事。」
當時，林海音是臺灣純文學出版社主持人，在答應為鄧禹平出詩集後，為了讓鄧禹平最後一本詩集更精美，更能表現他和白玫綿延一個世紀的愛情悲歌，她又去聯繫了大名鼎鼎的席慕容和楚戈，請他們為鄧禹平的詩集作畫。
二人欣然應允。楚戈雖然在病中，也抱病將一幅幅畫精心畫好，交在林海音手上。
很快地，詩集《我存在，因為歌，因為愛》出版了。這部凝聚著鄧禹平一生情結的小集子很快在臺灣引起巨大轟動，成為臺灣當年十大暢銷書之一。
當病中的鄧禹平看到這本裝幀精美的詩集時，他抓住林海音的手感慨萬千：「如今我什麼也沒有了，只剩下了詩。如果沒有了詩，也許早就崩潰了……」
詩集出版後不久，林海音意外地收到了一個來自大陸的包裹。
1984年，時任中央音樂學院教授的作曲家羅忠鎔（鄧禹平中學同學）前往澳大利亞講學後，觀看了一場音樂會。在回使館途中，他隨手拿起音樂會的樂譜翻看。在翻到《高山青》（臺灣稱該歌曲為《高山青》）時，他突然看見詞作者是鄧禹平！
事隔40年，羅忠鎔一直以為《高山青》是臺灣民歌，沒想到竟是自己的老同學所寫。羅忠鎔看著鄧禹平的名字熱淚長流。40年不見，他無法得到鄧禹平的片言隻語，如今，心中那份對老友的思念強烈地撞擊著他的心。他一口氣向海外友人寫了十多封信，探訪鄧禹平的下落，也給林海音寫了一封。
不久，林海音回信了，將鄧禹平在臺灣的近況告訴了他。羅忠鎔拿著林海音的信，風塵僕僕從北京回到三台，將這個好消息告訴了白玫。
望著手中的信，白玫一次次哽咽難語：「禹平，你還活著，你還活著……」
當夜，羅忠鎔、白玫焚香沐浴，由白玫彈奏鋼琴並演唱《高山青》，羅忠鎔則在一旁指揮。高亢優美的旋律在狹小的房間激情飛越，深深地鐫刻在答錄機薄薄的磁帶裏……當他們最後一次錄完《高山青》時，東方已是晨曦高掛。白玫撫摸著手中的磁帶，一遍又一遍喃喃自語：「禹平，你聽聽，這是我的聲音。40年了，你還能聽出來嗎？
林海音匆匆拿著錄音帶和信來到鄧禹平的病床前。此時，鄧禹平已深度昏迷。林海音輕輕地在他耳邊呼喚著：「禹平，你的女友白玫給你來信了。還給你唱了歌。你聽聽吧。」鄧禹平的身子輕輕地動了一下。林海音打開答錄機，《高山青》的旋律靜靜地在病房迴旋。
錄音放完了，鄧禹平仍一動不動。但林海音發現，鄧禹平的臉上，已是熱淚長流！而這熱淚，也是鄧禹平最後一次為自己最親愛的人所流下的幸福之淚，仿佛在為他們淒美的愛情作最後詮釋。
這天是1985年12月21日，鄧禹平在親人的聲音中悄然離開了他十分眷戀的世界。
白玫是在廣播裏聽見鄧禹平去世的消息的。她沒有哭，而是默默地讀著鄧禹平臨終前留給她的詩：化我的思念為白雲片片/飄過平原/飄過高山/飄到你的頭頂、窗前/默默地投給你/我那愛的詩篇/一千遍/一萬遍……
1988年，了無牽掛的白玫在憂思成疾後一病不起，不久也追隨鄧禹平而去。
高山依舊常青，澗水依舊常藍，傳遞是不斷地、美好地對愛情的謳歌，我想那紛亂的時代能有如此感人至深的愛情，物欲橫流的今天卻難見這樣的守望，他們相思的痛苦也有相愛的甜密，只是在那高山碧水間一曲嘹亮的情歌帶我們去祝福，祝福所有海峽兩岸的愛情都能像這歌聲中唱的一樣美滿。
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讓人們想跟你說個不停的7種聊天方式 -- Heart Hacker
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練習 à 熟悉 à 習慣 à 自然(= 第二天性)。
活學活用下文跟本欄上一篇，你將成為聊天達人，不但情場如意，在江湖行走也會順暢多多。此之謂「書中自有顏如玉」和古人說的：「開卷有益」。
The 7 Conversation Secrets That Make Women Want to Keep Talking to You
Most Men Get Them Completely Wrong
Heart Hacker, 08/10/25
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched a man finally muster the courage to talk to a woman he likes… only for the entire thing to implode within seconds.
Not because he’s unattractive. Not because she’s not interested. But because his nerves hijacked the whole interaction.
You know the feeling.
Your heart starts pounding. Your palms sweat. Your stomach knots itself into something that feels like a pretzel from hell. Suddenly, your brain — this brilliant, highly functional machine — decides to freeze like a deer in headlights.
And now she’s just… staring at you.
Waiting for you to say something.
Anything.
It’s in that silence that panic creeps in, and you both start silently looking for the nearest escape route.
But here’s the thing — conversation doesn’t have to be a battlefield.
In fact, what women really want to hear in those first few moments isn’t a résumé of your life’s accomplishments or a string of over-rehearsed pickup lines.
It’s something far more human. Far more disarming.
And if you get it right, she won’t just keep talking to you… she’ll want to.
1. Conversation, Not Conversion
Most men go into an interaction thinking about the “next step” — her number, a date, maybe more. And that’s exactly why they get nervous.
When you make the goal just to have a great conversation, the pressure evaporates.
No agenda. No hidden endgame.
Just connection for its own sake.
Ironically, that’s what actually makes her want to see you again.
2. Use Your Real Voice
When you’re nervous, your voice goes higher. You start speaking like you’re asking permission to exist.
Women notice this.
A simple fix? Start with a deliberate “hmm…” before you speak. That little pause drops you back into your natural tone — the one that feels grounded, confident, and real.
A shaky voice says I’m unsure. A genuine voice says I’m safe to be around.
3. Say Her Name
It’s our favorite word in the entire world — our own name.
When you use it naturally in conversation, it signals familiarity and attention. It makes her feel seen.
And no, you don’t have to wait until you’re “close” to use it. Just introduce yourself. Then use her name in a light, casual way.
The difference in how she responds will surprise you.
4. Bold Eye Contact
Here’s the magic formula: hold eye contact for one or two seconds longer than feels comfortable.
That’s it.
It builds just enough tension to spark attraction — without tipping into creepy.
And here’s the secret: you’ll only pull it off if you’ve already made her feel safe with the first three tips.
5. Casual Body Language
Women mirror your emotions.
If you’re tense, she’s tense. If you’re relaxed, she’s relaxed.
The easiest way to shift into ease? Imagine she’s your bratty little sister or your friend’s cousin. Someone you’re naturally comfortable around.
When you stop performing, your body language stops screaming “I’m nervous” — and she starts to feel at home in your presence.
6. Break the Touch Barrier (Safely)
No, not in a weird or aggressive way.
Think: light, brief, situational touches — like tapping her elbow while joking about something happening in the room. The point isn’t the touch itself. It’s the comfort it signals.
We’re touched by people we feel close to. Even tiny, appropriate touches build that familiarity faster than words alone.
7. Unrestrained Laughter
Confidence isn’t just in your words — it’s in your willingness to laugh without self-consciousness.
Genuine laughter is magnetic. It releases feel-good chemicals in the brain and makes her associate you with that feeling.
Can’t quite let loose yet? Start with warm smiles and light chuckles. Comfort grows with practice.
Here’s the truth most men miss:
These tips aren’t about tricks or manipulation. They’re about creating a moment where you’re both present, comfortable, and curious about each other.
You can’t fake that.
You can, however, practice it. Everywhere. With everyone.
Talk to strangers in line. Chat with the barista. Flirt with the world.
Because when it finally matters — when she’s standing right there, looking at you with those curious eyes — your subconscious will take over.
And the conversation will flow.
Not because you’re trying to “win” her…
But because, for once, you’re both simply enjoying being there.
Written by Heart Hacker
I’m sharing ideas based on my experience — writing the things you’re too afraid to text. It’s all about love, culture, and the hidden sides of modern romance.
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讓人傾心的3種聊天方向 ----- The Mental Mirror
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請參見本欄上一篇下文《前言》。
3 Conversations That Unlock a Woman’s Mind
Simple words, but almost no man gets them right.
The Mental Mirror, 08/23/25
Most men go through life believing women fall for the man with the best smile, the thickest bank account, or the boldest moves. And sure, those things might get her attention for a night — but they don’t keep you in her mind.
The truth is, a woman forgets the man who only touched her body, but she never forgets the man who touched her thoughts. That’s the difference between being a moment in her life… and being a presence she can’t shake off.
1. Why Most Men Fade From Memory
I’ve seen it countless times. The guy who buys her dinner, cracks a few jokes, and thinks he’s making progress — only to realize a week later she doesn’t even reply to his messages.
Meanwhile, another man, who didn’t spend a dollar, who didn’t try to impress, somehow left her replaying their conversation in her head for days.
What happened?
He didn’t just speak to her. He entered her mind. He placed something there — a thought, a question, a spark that kept her coming back in silence.
Here’s the part no one tells you:
Attraction isn’t about performing for her. It’s about planting yourself in her mental landscape so deeply that she can’t think about her world without thinking of you.
2. The Hidden Skill Most Men Never Learn
And that doesn’t come from random small talk. It comes from mastering a rare skill — the ability to lead her into three kinds of conversations that almost no man dares to initiate.
Conversations that shape how she sees herself, how she feels around you, and how she envisions the future.
Most men will never even attempt this, because it requires more than charm. It requires presence, self-control, and the courage to go beyond surface-level comfort.
But if you can do it, if you can step into this arena:
You’ll become the man she remembers long after the others have faded into background noise.
3. Why Most Men Are Forgettable
Here’s the brutal reality: most men are forgettable. Not because they lack good looks, not because they’re poor, not even because they’re shy — but because they never break past the surface.
They treat conversations like transactions, moving through the same tired scripts:
“What do you do?”
“Where are you from?”
“What’s your favorite movie?”
It’s like they’re all reading from the same manual, and women have heard it a thousand times. She nods, she smiles, but deep down, she’s already forgotten him.
Think of it this way — if every man is a song on the radio, most are just background noise. Then, once in a while, she hears a song that cuts through her lyrics that feel like they were written for her, a melody that lingers even when it stops playing.
That’s what the right conversation does. It imprints.
4. The Stoic Advantage
Very few men ever learn this skill, because they’re afraid of depth. They fear silence, they fear tension, they fear leading a conversation into unknown territory. So they stick with what’s safe.
But “safe” is another word for invisible.
The Stoics knew this — Seneca wrote that
“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste much of it.”
Most men waste their words. They spill them endlessly without ever saying anything that matters.
The men who rise above? They cut through the noise. They understand that words can be weapons, or they can be seeds. Weapons fade, but seeds grow inside her long after you’ve gone.
5. The Three Conversations That Make You Unforgettable
And to do that, you don’t need endless strategies or clever lines. You need three kinds of conversations.
Three simple shifts that change you from “just another guy” into the man she can’t forget.
Conversation One: The Conversation of Meaning
Every woman you meet is carrying a secret: a hunger for meaning. She might not say it out loud, but beneath her routines, her laughter, and even her beauty — she is searching for someone who can see deeper than the surface.
Imagine this:
Two men sit across from her. One asks the typical:
“So… what do you do?”
She answers politely, and within five seconds, she’s forgotten him.
The second man pauses, looks her in the eye, and asks:
“What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the courage to start?”
In that moment, her guard drops. She thinks. She feels. She reveals something she doesn’t usually share. And whether she admits it or not, she’s now opened a door in her mind that only you walked through.
This is the conversation of meaning.
Conversation Two: The Conversation of Emotion
If meaning is what anchors her to you, emotion is what electrifies the connection.
Most men talk to women as if they’re giving a job interview — flat, logical, predictable. But emotion imprints itself on her body, her memory, her nervous system.
She doesn’t crave another fact. She craves the man who can make her feel.
One man drones on about work. Another leans in and asks:
“Do you remember the last time you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe?”
Immediately, she lights up. She relives the memory. She feels alive again.
That’s the difference. And that’s the power of emotion.
Conversation Three: The Conversation of Vision
If meaning anchors her, and emotion electrifies her, then vision is what pulls her forward.
Most men hide behind the present. They talk about what they have, what they did, what they know.
But the man who speaks of the future, with clarity and calm conviction, instantly separates himself from the crowd.
When you share your vision — not as bragging, but as truth — you invite her into a story. A living story. And women don’t forget stories. They relive them.
6. The Triangle That Makes You Irreplaceable
Meaning makes her reflect.
Emotion makes her feel.
Vision makes her believe.
That triangle etches you into her mind. It makes you unforgettable.
The man who masters all three becomes the rare force who makes her feel safe, alive, and inspired at once.
And that is the man she can’t replace.
7. The Final Challenge
So here’s your challenge:
The next time you sit across from a woman, cut out the autopilot chatter. Ask a question of meaning. Stir her with emotion. Share a piece of your vision.
But don’t fake it. Depth must be lived, not performed. A Stoic man doesn’t just say words — he embodies them (言行如一).
Take the risk. Ask what others are afraid to ask. Stir what others are too dull to stir. Share what most men are too insecure to reveal.
That’s the test. That’s the work. And once you feel the difference it makes, you’ll never go back to shallow conversations again.
Attraction isn’t about tricks. It’s about leaving a mark on her mind.
Written by The Mental Mirror
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《讓人傾心的3種聊天方向》前言
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如果你跟我一樣，老是覺得時間不夠用，直接、只要看該文的第5段即可(請見本欄下一篇)。看完之後半信半疑，或不甚了了，不妨再回過頭去讀全文。
附帶說幾句：大概因為我有三個姐姐和一個妹妹，我從小就認為「男女平等」是人之常理；我也從來沒有半點「男性沙豬主義」的想法。另一方面，我從小也被讀過書本中的思想，灌輸或建構出「尊重人權」的立場。因此，我也一向尊重男、女在「性取向」方面的自由和權利；這跟我很早接受「唯物論」，以及後來接受「DNA(生物性)主導論」可能也有點關係。
該文和本版許多其它文章的標題，依慣例或作者風格，通常都做了「男」、「女」之分；但其內容或建議其實適用於所有人際關係；並非僅僅限於「男、女之間」或「女、男之間」。我過去的中譯標題這一部份都依照作者的「原文」；從該文開始，我將以「人」或「人們」代替原標題中的「男性」、「女性」。
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婚姻警訊！？離婚前兆？！--- Liz Richardson
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People Are Revealing "Overlooked" Signs That A Marriage Won't Last, And It's Shocking
Liz Richardson, 08/18/25
"When there are subtle laughs and chuckles during a serious (heated) conversation, blowing off everything their partner feels as a 'them' problem. I saw this between my parents before they divorced."
Liz Richardson, 08/18/25
We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the overlooked signs that a marriage won't last. They revealed the subtle clues people sometimes miss that a couple might get divorced, and it's incredibly eye-opening. Here's what they had to say:
1."One partner only accepts the other person if they make changes. You don't have the right to expect your partner to change, and they'll probably resent it in the long run. If you like someone but think they have to make some serious behavioral changes to make it work, move on; they aren't the one for you." — homeydaclown
2."When there are subtle laughs and chuckles during a serious (heated) conversation, blowing off everything their partner feels as a 'them' problem. I saw this between my parents before they divorced." — ashira_b
3."When one party no longer gets mad about something that always elicited a response before. For example, my husband's ex-wife hated porn. Then, one Christmas, she gifted him a Playboy subscription. He told me it was the coolest gift she ever got him. Broooo. She was checked out of the marriage and was trying to get you to bother her with your needs less. How long after that did she leave him? Six months."
"If your partner no longer cares about things that used to greatly bother them? It's not a sign they finally accepted this; it's a sign they have finally accepted it is over." — homeywizard688
4."When they don't share the same way of handling money. One overspends, and the other is a miser. They don't have joint accounts or share expenses according to how much each makes. I saw this happen with my granddaughter after a year of marriage. They didn't go for premarital counseling and never talked about money ahead of time." — Anonymous, 65, Texas
5."Constant teasing. Every couple teases each other, but healthy ones even it out with compliments, saying/doing nice things for each other, or talking their partner up to others. The ones who ante up the teasing to make their partner feel bad or embarrass them in public will be part of a divorce that 'came out of nowhere.'" —Anonymous, 34, Virginia
"Belittling or bossing around their partner in front of everyone. It's one thing to poke fun and joke occasionally with your partner in a group setting, but when you flat-out disrespect them and speak poorly about them to others, it's a huge red flag. It tells me that if they're willing to treat their partner like that in public, a lot goes on behind closed doors. I've noticed those couples tend to divorce eventually. — minibubble32237
6."When they choose to confide in their mother, father, sister, brother, or friend on a regular basis rather than their partner." — Anonymous
7."My best friend (a woman) got married after six months of dating. I was asked to go on a double date with them and his sister (she needs a hubs, and I'm single). My bestie and her hubs literally said zero words to each other during the meal. Not. A. Single. Word. The plan was to be chauffeured home, so we could have the wine experience at dinner. We got in the limo home; they didn't say a single word to each other all the way home. My 'date,' and I had more convo on the way to the bathroom than they did the whole night. When we came back from the bathroom, they were on their phones."
"Six months later, they filed for divorce. I asked why. 'We didn't have much in common anymore, and we didn't talk much.' Like…derp! " — Anonymous, 42, California
"Not sharing any hobbies, interests, or spectator events with each other and only having an 'at-home' relationship." — Anonymous
8."When your significant other shows little to no interest in your friends. If only their friends are worthy of meeting/hanging out with, it speaks to them not valuing your other relationships." — stephaniep461d11578
9."Smashing the cake in your spouse's face at the wedding. Not funny. Not original and so cringe. And if it's done when one of the pairs is not down for it? That marriage won't make it to the first anniversary. — Anonymous, 47, USA
"I can't say it's a sign of divorce, but I've always felt smashing the cake into your partner's face was way too aggressive and is a sign that you actually don't value the other person the way a spouse should." — ladicair
10."Just from what I have noticed with people, I went to school with and/or was friends with people who got married because of pregnancy. I have been married for 15 years (same age as most of my classmates; many of us got married right out of high school), and many of my high school classmates or friends who got married because they got pregnant are now divorced and remarried."
"Or, they got married because one of them joined the military, and it's the same thing — 99% of them are divorced." — quirkyraptor53
11."One of them is always asking, or even begging, to do activities without their other half. While time away from your spouse is a good thing and allows you to miss and appreciate your partner, anyone whose main goal of activities excludes them generally means things have already soured." — Anonymous, 64, Nebraska
12."Therapist here; when folks can't hear each other. I mean genuine listening — when people are so caught up in attacking each other that they miss out on finding the reason for their discord, problem-solving, and working it out. You need to genuinely (on a relational deep level) hear what each other is saying to do all that."
"Also, if one or both parties have nothing but contempt for each other. Total relationship killer!" — Anonymous, 44, Canada
13."One of them tries to crowdsource advice they use to justify their views in a disagreement instead of working on listening to and resolving conflict with their partner and/or seeking professional assistance. Reddit and ChatGPT won't save a relationship that needs help; probably the opposite. — fka_bigdingo
14."Making passive-aggressive comments about their sex life in public. I was friends with a couple, and the husband would get buzzed and talk loudly to anyone in the area (so his wife would hear) about how they weren't having enough sex — instead of, you know, actually talking to his wife about it." — Anonymous
15."When you just don't care enough to argue anymore." — Anonymous, 54, Georgia
16."When they give each other the cold shoulder, or roll their eyes about their partner when in front of other people —especially if they have a baby while acting like that. I saw this with my cousin; he and his wife resent each other but refuse to get divorced for religious reasons. — Anonymous, 23, Colorado
And finally...
17."When the couple doesn't smile and barely looks at each other during the wedding ceremony. I went to a wedding where this happened, which was so awkward to witness; they didn't even look happy. Needless to say, they divorced after about seven years." — Anonymous, 40, Cananda
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
What are other subtle or tiny signs a marriage won't last? Tell us in the comments, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use the form below.
本文於 修改第 1 次
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兩性關係層級論 -- J. Frazier
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在美國工作時，參加了一個管理人講習會，那是我第一次聽到馬斯洛的「需求層級論」。後來才在心理學書本上讀到它。同樣，我也是在管理人講習會第一次接觸到庫恩的「典範轉移論」，後來才讀他的《導致科學突破性發展的過程》。
我相當接受馬斯洛的觀點，在拙作中也引用過幾次。下文則是我第一次看到它被應用到「兩性關係」。
這篇文章著實有點長；不論妳/你是新手上路還是老夫老妻，我都建議不妨分段仔細讀完此文並玩味、玩味。如果下面的中譯有不夠信、達者，請多多指教。
The Psychology of Relationships: The Relationship Hierarchy of Needs
Julian Frazier, PhD, 08/05/25
In the world of dating apps, social media, hook-up culture, and epidemic loneliness, I began to ask myself, “What does a healthy relationship even look like?” For ages, we have assumed that the ideal and model relationship looks like a progressive march towards marriage, with predictable “steps” that individuals follow until inevitably making till-death-do-us-part vows.
Except we aren’t particularly good at sticking to those vows, with about half of marriages ending in divorce, and many marriages being empty and loveless. Many are falling out of love with marriage as the “gold standard”, as evidenced by the steady decline in marriage rates over time.
How might a psychologist answer the question, “What does a healthy relationship look like”?
You’ve likely heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs; this is a list of progressively necessary biological, social, and psychological needs that an individual must access if they want to achieve self-actualization. In otherwords, to become the best version of yourself, you’ll likely need to make sure your basic needs are met, then your security needs, then your psychological needs, and so on.
It has often been depicted as a kind of food pyramid for the soul:
Diagram from Wikipedia.com 請至原網頁或維基百科超連結觀看馬斯洛「需求層級圖」
Maslow primarily conceptualized this idea for individuals. But what if it also applies to relationships? That is what we will hypothesize today:
Presenting: The Relationship Hierarchy of Needs.
Like the hierarchy of needs, all relationships have to navigate these “layers”. They may not always be in this order exactly, but it is structured so that each layer must be strong enough to support the next, or relationships may be unstable and collapse. Likewise, a mature and established relationship may have setbacks if one or more of these levels is disrupted. Two individuals will have to intentionally evaluate and establish the various relationship needs in order to maintain a strong relationship over time.
1) Attraction/Chemistry
“Are we hot?” (我們彼此看對眼？)
At the bottom of the hierarchy of needs is attraction. In short, do you think that the other person is hot, and do they think you are hot? The question of hot-or-not is the most superficial, but likely the most necessary. If we do not find our partner attractive, each subsequent level of the hierarchy will be on shaky footing.
Many associate attractiveness with physical qualities exclusively, but we have plenty of evidence to suggest that a variety of personality factors play a more important role than just looks. Wit, humor, intelligence, and a person’s particular way-of-being (待人接物) may attract us to them. While some folks seem “hot” just from looking at them, it seems as though some aspects of attraction can increase over time.
But I’d be lying if things like status, power, success, and money didn’t play some role in attraction. When we meet someone, we want to be able to imagine what life might be like with them, and we would ideally like for that imagined future to be one that is better than the life we are currently living. Signs that someone can immediately “make our lives better” are all pretty attractive.
Either way, attraction sets the bar (標準) for passion. While most relationships start passionately thanks to the power of infatuation (著迷), many have the passion fizzle out. The more attracted you are on the front end, the more likely you are to hold on to those passionate feelings throughout your relationship. Make sure that whoever you want to be in a relationship with that you can mutually appreciate and adore each other for the long haul.
2) Consistency
“Can we coordinate schedules?” (步調/節拍相當)
Okay, so you managed to find someone who likes you, and you seem to like them. Now begins the not-so-sexy game of schedule Tetris. If two people are too busy that they can’t manage to sync schedules, then they will likely struggle to turn their spark into a flame. If you work a full-time job, this means that most of your peak hours are accounted for, and you have evenings and weekends available.
Finding time for someone requires that you prioritize them, sometimes even sacrificing a little bit of sleep. This is easier when you're around the same people quite frequently, such as in school and college, but once you’ve joined the work force, you have to go out of your way to connect with others. This can create the very real situations where two people “like” one another, but simply cannot accommodate the reality of a relationship.
Every relationship requires quality time spent together, meaning that once you manage to sync up calendars, you will likely have to make it a mainstay of your lifestyle if you want to maintain the relationship. But what’s most important is the quality of time, not necessarily the quantity of time.
Want to be closer? Spend more quantity of quality time. But don’t be surprised if the stress of balancing “real life” with your “dating life” leads to a few “mature” conversations about time management, especially as lifestyle and circumstance change.
3) Security
“Can we make this last?” (能夠長長久久都這樣？)
You like each other, and it seems as though you can both see one another frequently enough to feel a connection. At this point, a relationship can feel indulgent; an experience that pulls you both into the here-and-now and enjoying life just as it is. But alas, this phase has an expiration date… There is a question waiting around the corner, and it is only a matter of time until someone asks it…
“What are we?” (什麼樣的關係？彼此解悶、打情罵俏、男女朋友、戀人、露水姻緣、…)
When we have something, we prefer not to lose it, and that goes double for relationships. When we find someone whom we like and whose company we enjoy, our brain begins to compulsively worry about what it might be like to lose that positive experience. It becomes harder and harder to enjoy the here-and-now, and people instinctively attempt to increase the level of security in the relationship into the future.
This often comes in the form of bids for increased commitment. We can make plans for the future, or even attempt to impose rules and boundaries on the relationship, such as setting the precedent of sexual and/or emotional exclusivity. “For us to keep playing this game, we are going to have to play by the rules; anything else is CHEATING.”
Any friction in this phase is bound to bring attachment issues to the surface. If someone is insecurely (不穩固) attached (e.g., avoidant, anxious, etc.,) then you are likely to find out right about now.
This inevitably leads to negotiations and expectations about the future that pull both individuals out of enjoying the present. Many find that ambiguity is resolved through clear labels that define safety and loyalty to oneself but also to others. When we commit to being “boyfriend-girlfriend,” it is not merely a promise to one another, but also to signal to everyone else to say, “They are off limits!”.
But even if you aren’t the type to adhere to socially sanctioned labels, the reality is that a relationship does require some amount of security in order to progress. If two people can’t depend on one another or are merely waiting for the other person to leave, they will naturally keep their guard up. At the very least, they must proceed intentionally with a clear understanding of what is expected of one another in the relationship.
4) Compatibility
“Do we want the same things?” (興趣、性情、性格、目標、規劃、等等的「般配」)
Establishing security suggests that the relationship is capable of persisting. The next question is… “towards what end?” This is where the relationship begins to become a bit more existential (重要意義) as two people try to answer the question of, “What is the point of the relationship?”.
People individually have goals, right? It’s only natural that people also consider the goals of their relationship. For many, this is a “traditional” path of eventually moving in together, getting married, getting a home, having kids, and so on. But nowadays people can want (or not want) all kinds of things.
Is what you want compatible with what they want?
This might also be a bit more abstract, asking not just about WHAT you want but HOW you want it. While you’ve likely learned something about the person’s values and beliefs, now this becomes more serious. Do you have religious, political, or cultural differences that you need to navigate? What can you compromise on, and what is a deal-breaker (導致破局) ? If you have been deferring (拖延、避開) these important questions, now they will become increasingly unavoidable.
Two people who clarify that they want the same things may be able to further solidify existing commitments. If security is the “floor”, compatibility decides how high the “ceiling” (空間) can be. Some relationships will only be one or two floors, while others will be skyscrapers. The potential of your relationship depends on your ability to allign you individual goals with the goals of the relationship to build something together.
5) Partnership
“Can we work together?” (一起生活、彼此包容、同甘共苦)
Imagine getting to the point where you buy a pet together and then realizing that your partner wants to “train” the pet differently than you do. You want to set serious boundaries surrounding having the pet in the bed, but it seems like your partner doesn’t mind cuddling (抱抱) in the sheets. Despite your best efforts to consistently use the squirt bottle, your partner tells YOU to stop being so mean.
You can agree to almost everything on paper, but in practice, you still struggle to work together. In this phase, individuals are challenged to clarify power dynamics (誰說了算), roles, and responsibilities. This is when little things like who does the dishes and who takes out the trash can suddenly become an argument-worthy disagreement. How do you manage your finances? Who pays what bills? If you’re in public, how do you behave around friends? If you have pets or kids, how do you want to raise them? All of these questions you can only really answer through first-hand (親歷其境) experience.
These are opportunities to get on the same page; to not only have goals but to deepen the belief that two people can reach their goals together. Failure to work together leads to resentments (抱怨) and compromises that turn these opportunities into obligations. Obligations are not sexy (責任可不好玩).
This is where couples can iron out the details of communication, how to navigate conflict, and how to “fight fair”. If two people can learn how to fight (rupture) but come back together stronger (repair), then it’s like a building that can bend without breaking. Even in harsh weather, you know that what you are building can weather the storm (抵擋狂風暴雨).
6) Intimacy
“Do you REALLY see me?” (你心裏真的有我？)
Many relationships get to the point where they “work”. It may not be a well-oiled machine, but it is a machine, and whatever you and your partner are doing, it’s paying the bills, keeping the lights on, and a roof above your head. If your relationship were a business, it would likely be a profitable one. But alas, even when things are working, we ultimately want more from our romantic relationship.
Intimacy is associated with the experience of Love and loving; appreciation, adoration, warmth, empathy, and compassion are essential ingredients baked right into the relationship. Relationships can feel like they start with a high level of intimacy as two people are invested in “getting to know one another”. But by the time that you have spent months or years together, the novelty (新鮮感) has all but worn off. You might find the emotional parts of the relationship feel less inspiring and more like a chore (瑣事、應付). You ask, “How was your day?” out of habit, not because you are genuinely curious.
At this point in the hierarchy, many relationships stall out. You have busy schedules, careers, kids, and a variety of other things that make the maintenance of the relationship feel like less of a priority. Many coast on this level indefinitely, or wait until their kids move out and go their separate ways as they “grow apart”.
However, for those who want to deepen intimacy, the secret is found in participating in satisfying the desires of our partner. We want to feel understood, and that means that our partner has taken the time to learn what we want and even invests in our passions as an active participant. We want to know that the relationship isn’t just a means to an end. They make an effort to continue to get to know us, meaning they continue to be engaged with us as we change and evolve. They want to know, “Who are you today?”
We want to See, and be Seen.
It isn’t surprising that intimacy is associated with physical intimacy and sexuality (性愛), and that as intimacy fades, so too does sexual interest in the relationship. At this phase, sexuality is about more than just a biological need, but is itself an expression of interest and investment in our partner's pleasure and joy, affirming connection through play and exploration.
7) Co-Actualization
“Can we grow together?”
At the peak of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is self-actualization (達到至善至美), and at the peak of the Relational Hierarchy of Needs is Co-Actualization (此乃「另一半」之真義). Having navigated each of the previous phases, relationships may attain a state in which two people’s lives are more whole and complete together than apart. The relationship has become a necessary part of one’s life because one’s life is so enriched by having been within it. Two people grow and become new and better versions of themselves as a result of one another.
At this stage, the relationship takes on a kind of transcendent quality. More than just labels, agreements, and social contracts, the relationship is a kind of way-of-being, a discipline, an art, and part of one’s identity. It may take on a kind of existential or spiritual significance akin to concepts such as “soulmates”.
To attain and maintain this level of connection, two individuals must have mastered the previous six stages and continue to maintain them. For that reason, such a relationship is rare, and while some may attain this level of connection briefly, life circumstances can be sufficient to knock two people out of sync. But if two people have experienced Co-actualization once, then it is easier for them to attain that same level of connection again through recommitting to the relationship anew.
Written by Julian Frazier, PhD
The musings of a Clinical Psychologist exploring the delicate art of humaning from as many absurd perspectives as possible. Let's get weird.
本文於 修改第 3 次
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是個男人就千萬不要這樣做 -- Noel Rock
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請與本欄2025/08/01貼文合看。
Dear Men, 5 Things You Should Never Do to a Woman Who Loves You
“The worst feeling in the world is being hurt by someone you love” Anonymous
Noel Rock, 02/20/25
“Never hurt people who love you deeply; they might not retaliate, but they might have no choice but to leave you forever.” — Anonymous
When a woman truly loves you, it shows in everything she does. She’s proud to be with you, shares stories about you with her friends, and lights up every time she hears from you. It’s like she hands you the key to her heart.
So, treat her right!
Losing such woman could mean losing something incredibly valuable, and getting back into her heart might not be possible.
Here are five things you should never do to a woman if you truly respect her.
1. Never take her for granted
“Even the strongest love can fade if it’s ignored.” Unknown
If you notice a woman who genuinely cares for you, don’t overlook her love.
Sometimes, love can come off as a bit silly or childish. She might act a little playful or even a bit goofy because she cares for you so deeply. As someone once said,
“Women can be just like kids when they’re in love—that’s just what love does!”
But here’s the thing: don’t mistake her affection for foolishness. Taking her for granted can look like this:
* Forgetting to tell her how great she looks or how much you appreciate her.
* Not making time to really be with her.
* Failing to ask for her opinion on things that matter.
* Not doing little things to make her happy.
* Texting her only when you need help or want something.
* Not wanting to show her off to your friends.
* Tuning out when she’s sharing something important.
* Not recognizing the little things she does for you.
These behaviors can really hurt her, and over time, her love might fade until she decides she can’t take it anymore.
2. Never play with her feelings
William Shakespeare had it right when he said,
“Never play with the feelings of others. You may win the game, but you’ll lose the person for a lifetime.”
Women have sensitive feelings, and messing with their emotions can lead to serious consequences. It’s essential to understand that not every woman you meet is meant to be a romantic partner; some are just great friends.
When you try to take a friendship to a romantic level without genuine feelings, you risk causing pain. If you realize later that romance wasn’t right, you could lose a valuable friendship forever.
Here are good guidelines for genuine connection:
* Don’t say you love her just to fulfill a temporary desire. Find healthier ways to meet your needs.
* Don’t proclaim your love just because she’s beautiful; remember that beauty can fade.
* If you’re feeling isolated, find activities that bring you joy instead of seeking a partner to fill that gap.
* Don’t take advantage of her openness; just because she shares her struggles doesn’t mean she’s ready for romance.
* Offer support because you care, not as a way to win her affection.
From the start, be clear about what you want. Avoid games or tricks with her feelings. The impact of your actions can be profound, and you might not realize how deep the hurt can go.
3. Don’t make her a punching bag
“He hadn’t hit her in several years, but when you’ve been beaten, you never forget it. The bruises go away, but the scars remain—deep, hidden, raw. You stay beaten. It takes a real coward to beat a woman.” — John Grisham
Everyone has flaws, and conflicts are natural in any relationship. However, there is never an excuse for physical violence. Hitting your woman is not a way to resolve issues; it only breeds resentment and complicates matters further.
Your physical strength should be a means of protection, not a weapon. When emotions run high, and you feel the urge to lash out, take a step back. Walk away, find something else to occupy your mind, and allow your anger to subside. Acting in the heat of the moment can lead to regret that lasts far longer than the conflict itself.
4. Never place another girl above her
Nothing stings more than feeling like you’re not a priority. If you treat another woman better than your partner, it can deeply hurt her feelings. Giving more attention to someone else diminishes her value in your eyes.
Make your partner feel cherished and important. Let her know that you’re proud to have her in your life. When she feels valued, she is more likely to reciprocate that love and attention.
As the saying goes,
“Treat her like a queen, and she’ll treat you like a king. Treat her like a game, and she’ll show you how it’s played.”
The way you treat her sets the tone for your relationship, so strive to give her the respect and love you wish to receive in return.
5. Never cheat on your woman
“The worst kind of hurt is betrayal because it means someone was willing to hurt just to make themselves feel important.” — Anonymous
Betraying the trust of someone who loves you is one of the most painful experiences for both parties. Cheating not only hurts her feelings but can also destroy any chance of rebuilding trust. Even if forgiveness is granted, the scars of betrayal may linger.
Consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed. If she were unfaithful to you, it would hurt deeply. Faithfulness is not just a moral obligation; it fosters a stronger, more focused relationship.
When you commit to one partner, you save yourself the stress of lies and deceit, allowing your mind to rest easy.
Your partner will appreciate your loyalty, leading to a deeper connection and mutual respect.
Final Thought
“The worst feeling in the world is being hurt by someone you love.” Unknown.
Treat your woman the way you expect her to treat you, and she will likely reciprocate even more.
Thanks for reading.
Written by Noel Rock
Medic/Relationship enthusiast
本文於 修改第 2 次
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女人暗自期盼而很少男人會做的事 -- Love Lab
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下文從另一個角度幫助我們這些七大八粗男人來了解女性難以捉摸的心理；請參照本欄2025/07/25貼文。
12 Things Women Secretly Want — But You’re Not Doing
Love Lab, 07/14/25
Here’s the truth about women:
there are things we desperately wish you’d do — but we’ll never come right out and ask for them.
And when you don’t do them? We get frustrated, disappointed, or even start losing attraction. I know, I know, it sounds complicated. But don’t worry — that’s why I’m here.
So, I’m giving you the ultimate cheat sheet (撇步單，小技巧，作弊卡):
Twelve things every woman secretly wants from a man. Do even a few of these, and you’ll instantly become the kind of guy women crave to be with.
Let’s dive in.
1. Say: “Don’t worry, I got this
There is nothing sexier than a man who steps up and takes charge. It’s not about money or fixing things — it’s about leadership and confidence.
When a man says, “I got this,” we melt. It makes us feel feminine, safe, and taken care of — something every woman secretly craves.
2. Open doors
Yes, we can open doors ourselves.
But when you do it, it’s not about ability — it’s about effort. It shows maturity, thoughtfulness, and leadership. It’s a small act that speaks volumes about you as a man.
3. Cook for us
A man who can cook — even something simple — is instantly more attractive. It’s not about culinary skills; it’s about effort.
A homemade meal tells us you’re thoughtful, romantic, and willing to do something special just for us.
4. Give genuine, thoughtful compliments
We don’t just want to hear “You’re beautiful.” We love compliments on things we control — our outfit, our humor, our intelligence.
Saying “You have great taste” or “I love how you think” means so much more than a generic compliment.
5. Give us your jacket when it’s cold
This is a classic move for a reason. It’s protective, chivalrous (英雄氣概), and incredibly sweet (貼心).
When you wrap your coat around us, it makes us feel safe, feminine, and cared for.
6. Kiss our forehead
Forehead kisses are pure magic. They’re intimate, sweet (甜蜜), and make us feel deeply loved. It’s one of the fastest ways to melt our hearts.
7. Surprise us with small gifts
Not just on birthdays or holidays — those are expected. The real magic happens when you surprise us just because.
It could be a single flower, our favorite snack, or even a heartfelt note. The thought behind it is what makes it unforgettable.
8. Say “I love you” first
Most women are terrified to confess their feelings first. Even if we know we love you, we hesitate — afraid of coming on too strong. If you feel it, say it. We’re probably just waiting for you to say it first.
9. Invest in foreplay
For women, intimacy starts in the mind (= not from the body). Rushing things is the fastest way to kill attraction. Take your time — slow touches, deep eye contact, teasing words. The more you build anticipation, the more irresistible you become.
10. Dress well and groom yourself
Looks don’t matter as much as effort does. We notice when you take care of yourself — clean clothes, fresh haircut, nice cologne. It shows self-respect, which is incredibly attractive. groom：修飾 (理髮、刮鬍子、衣著整潔等等)
11. Say No
A man who agrees with everything we say? Not attractive. Women respect men who have their own opinions, set boundaries, and aren’t afraid to disagree. It shows confidence, strength (毅力或意志力；非指體力強壯), and self-respect.
12. Flirt — always
Flirting (調情、挑逗、情調、情趣) isn’t just for the early days. It’s what keeps attraction alive. Playfully tease us, make eye contact, whisper something unexpected. When a man keeps flirting — even in a long-term relationship — it keeps the spark alive.
Final Thoughts
There you have it — Thirteen things women secretly crave but rarely admit. Start doing even a few of these, and you’ll notice an immediate shift in how women respond to you. Attraction isn’t about luck; it’s about understanding. And now — you understand.
Written by Love Lab
Welcome to The Love Lab:Where we explore the science of relationships,and real human-connection.
相關閱讀：
* Why You’re Striking Out in Dating — And How to Fix It Fast
If you think dating takes too much time, you’re probably doing it wrong.
* 3 Simple Texts That Make a Woman Fall Hard for You
Texting isn’t just a way to stay in touch — it’s a weapon. Used right, it can bypass her walls, slip past her defenses…
* Do THIS and Women Will Chase You Nonstop (Dark Psychology Hack)
This secret will rewire your brain about women attraction.
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傷透女人心的男性5大謊話 -- Sam
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請參照本欄2025/07/28貼文。
The 5 Lies Men Tell Women That Break the Strongest Women
Never Be Fooled by The 5 Lies Men Tell Women
SAM, 04/10/25
Has a man ever looked you straight in the eye, swore on his “honesty,” and you still got that gut-punch feeling he was full of it (= full of shit = 滿嘴謊言) ?
You try to shake it off. You want to believe him. Because he’s charming. Because you care. Because who wants to think someone they love could lie so easily?
But here’s the thing: They do. All the time. And we don’t see it — not because we’re stupid, but because love has a way of fogging up the glass.
So let’s clear it.
Let’s talk about the five lies men tell women. Not all men, but enough to make this a PSA (Public Service Announcement；公共服務宣告). And not just to warn you — but to snap you the hell out of it next time your heart ries to outvote your brain.
1. “You Always Do This.”
Classic gaslighting (欺騙；情感操控) starter pack.
This line shows up mid-argument, right after you’ve made a valid point — and right before he tries to make you the problem.
“You always overreact.”
“You never listen.”
“You’re just being dramatic.”
This isn’t feedback. This is deflection.
Men use these sweeping statements to rewrite history. To make you question yourself. To turn isolated incidents into patterns that don’t exist.
And the worst part? After hearing it enough times, you start to believe it.
You stop pushing back. You silence your gut (直覺). You tiptoe around your own emotions.
Stop doing that.
Next time he drops the “always” or “never,” hit pause. Say, “That’s not true. Let’s talk about what actually happened, not rewrite the past.”
Don’t let him get away with emotional editing.
2. “I’ll Pay You Back.”
No, he won’t. And deep down, you already know he won’t.
But you want to believe him because you’re kind. You want to believe him because you think you’re building something together.
You’re not. You’re being used.
The second a man asks for money early in a relationship, you need to stop and ask yourself: Why is he comfortable asking me for this?
Why not his brother? His parents? His best friend?
Because you’re the easiest target. You’re the one who won’t say no. And he knows it.
If you didn’t help get him into the financial mess, don’t help get him out of it. This isn’t about being selfish — it’s about protecting your peace. And your wallet.
3. “I Won’t Show Those Pictures to Anyone.”
Let me be blunt: Don’t send the photo.
If there’s even a tiny part of you that isn’t okay with that image being on the front page of Reddit or shown in a group chat, don’t take it.
You can trust a man with your heart and still not trust him with your nudes. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
Because here’s what happens: He hypes you up. He makes you feel sexy. You’re vulnerable. You want to please him. And boom — you’ve handed him something he can now use however he wants.
And sometimes, you never even hear from him again.
No one talks about this enough: the emotional whiplash of being ghosted (斷絕往來) after baring it all (脫光光；展露無遺) . The shame. The panic. The self-blame.
So I’ll say it again: If you wouldn’t want a photo shared, don’t send it. No matter how much he sweet-talks you. No matter how “different” he seems.
4. “You’ll Never Change.”
Read: “I’m done seeing your potential, and I want to make you doubt it too.”
This one hurts the most. Because it often comes from someone you loved. Someone who knew your insecurities and chose to weaponize them.
But let me tell you something: Everyone changes.
We evolve. We grow. We heal. And yes, we mess up. But we are never static.
The moment someone tells you that you’re incapable of growth is the moment you need to step away. Not just for your sanity — but for your soul.
You are not defined by your worst day. You are not stuck. And no man gets to convince you otherwise.
5. “I Regret Breaking Up With You. Things Have Changed.”
Translation: “I was bored, tried someone else, and now I’m back because that didn’t work out.”
Men love the idea of you. The comfort of you. The “just in case” safety net you represent when life hands them an L (= Lose).
But don’t confuse regret with growth. Regret is easy. Real change? That takes work.
If he left you once without looking back, why should you believe he’s back for the right reasons? You’re not a boomerang. You’re not a pit stop (車賽過程的中途站) on his way to self-discovery.
A man who values you doesn’t need to “lose” you to realize it. He acts right the first time.
So don’t fall for the teary apology or the “I was in a different place back then” monologue. If he wants back in, let him prove it — over time, with consistent effort. Not with a nostalgic text at 2 AM.
The Lie Behind the Lies
At the core of all of this? Power. Control. Ego.
These lies aren’t random. They’re strategic. They’re designed to keep you second-guessing (懷疑) yourself so you don’t question him.
Because the more confused you are, the more power he holds.
So don’t give it to him.
You are not hard to love. You’re not “too emotional.” You’re not asking for too much when you ask for honesty, respect, and loyalty.
You’re asking for the bare minimum.
And if a man can’t give you that? He doesn’t deserve a single second more of your time.
You deserve a relationship that feels safe. That feels real. That lifts you up instead of breaking you down.
So next time he looks you in the eye and feeds you another story, remember this: The truth doesn’t need convincing. Lies always do.
Written by SAM
I’m sharing ideas based on my experience. And I write what you're too afraid to text. Love, culture, and the hidden sides of modern romance. ------WebKitFormBoundary6sHyjVBCITRxXAVF Content-Disposition: form-data; name="f_IMG"; filename="" Content-Type: application/octet-stream
本文於 修改第 2 次
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男、女之間不可能有純友誼 -- Stanley Parker
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這篇文章原來在2025/07/19刊出；它可以跟《婚姻的殘酷現實與慾望的洶湧暗潮》一文(本欄2025/07/25)互為註解，故一併移置於此。
現代工、商業社會中，15 – 65歲年齡層男、女之間的接近和互動幾乎是每天的事。在「日久情生」這個規律下，婚後男、女想要停留在「界線」之內，實在比19世紀和之前社會的人艱難多多。
Men and Women Can’t Be Friends — And I Finally Understand Why
Stanley Parker, 06/17/25
I used to think I could be “that guy.” The one who could be friends with a woman — just friends. No weird tension. No secret agenda. No blurry lines.
But the older I get, the more I realize how often those lines get crossed.
And how often I was the one crossing them — sometimes without even noticing.
We say men and women can’t be friends like it’s a rule of nature. Like we’re helpless to biology.
But maybe that’s just a nice way of excusing our inability to sit in discomfort without trying to fix it, flirt with it, or sleep with it.
I wish I could say this was about sex. It’s not. It’s about ego. About what we’ve been taught, as men, to expect from women. And how friendship, for many of us, has been nothing more than a waiting room we sit in — hoping she’ll finally open the door to something more.
She Thought We Were Friends. I Thought We Were in a Slow-Burn Romance.
I can’t count the number of times I told myself I was “just being a good friend.”
Listening to her talk about her relationships. Being there when things fell apart. Sending good morning texts. Driving across town because she had a bad day.
But underneath all that… I was waiting. For a sign. For a slip. For something that would turn the tide in my favor.
And when she started dating someone else? I felt betrayed. Which is ridiculous, right? She never owed me anything. She was never mine to lose.
That’s when I realized — I wasn’t being a friend. I was being a backup plan. Or worse, I was treating her like a plan I had the right to wait around for.
No One Taught Me How to Be Close Without Wanting More
Growing up, I didn’t see men and women as friends. They were couples. Hookups. Affairs. Love interests.
No one modeled friendship across genders without a romantic undertone. So when I did have real, emotional connections with women, it felt unfamiliar. And I didn’t know where to put all that closeness without turning it into desire.
And sometimes I confused admiration with attraction.
Comfort with chemistry.
Respect with romantic possibility.
That’s how we’re wired, right? No. That’s how we’re conditioned.
I’ve Been the Guy Who Pulled Away When She Didn’t Want More
I’ve been the guy who said, “No worries, I respect your decision” — then went silent for weeks. I told myself it was to get space. But the truth is, I was punishing her. Quietly. Subtly. Hoping she’d feel the loss.
Because in that moment, her friendship didn’t feel valuable anymore. It felt like a consolation prize.
And that’s what shames me the most. That I once saw her kindness as currency I was owed something for.
The Double Standard We Don’t Talk About
We tell women to be “clear” and “honest” with us. But the second she says she only wants to be friends, we stop listening. Or worse, we stick around pretending we’re fine, hoping she’ll change her mind.
And let’s not pretend we’re not guilty of leading on in our own way — checking in, making her feel special, showing up when it’s convenient, but emotionally unavailable when she needs consistency.
This isn’t just a women’s burden to bear. We contribute to this confusion. We create it.
So… Can Men and Women Be Friends?
I want to say yes. Because I’ve had moments — brief, fragile moments — of true friendship with women. The kind where there was no game underneath, no subtle hint, no hunger behind my kindness.
But those friendships took unlearning. They took discomfort. Accountability. Boundaries I didn’t like but desperately needed.
The truth? Men and women can be friends. But not if we keep showing up with ulterior motives and calling it care.
Not if we measure closeness by potential instead of presence.
Not if we’re secretly waiting for a door to open that was never meant for us.
The Kind of Man I’m Trying to Become
I don’t want to be the guy who disappears when I don’t get what I want.
I don’t want to weaponize silence or kindness or closeness.
I want to learn how to sit in intimacy without trying to own it.
I want to be a friend who doesn’t see friendship as a consolation. I want her to feel safe, seen, and respected — not pursued, not monitored, not analyzed for signs of weakness.
Because if all I’m doing is waiting for her to be lonely enough to want me, I’m not a friend. I’m a shadow. And shadows don’t build trust.
So yeah, maybe men and women can’t be friends… Until more of us decide that we want to be.
Written by Stanley Parker
I write about Relationships, Love and Growth. Enjoying my articles? You can support my writing by buying me a coffee at https://buymeacoffee.com/stanpark
Dear Readers, creating meaningful content takes time and effort, and your support means the world to me. With the changing dynamics on Medium, I’m turning to you for a little help. If you enjoy my work and find value in what I share, consider supporting me on Buy Me a Coffee. Your contributions will help me continue writing and bringing you the content you love. Thank you for being here — it truly makes a difference!
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