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開懷一笑篇：17個工程師笑話 -- Glenn M Stewart
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2025/03/25 13:06 瀏覽116 ｜回應2｜推薦1 |
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這些笑話以逗你會心一笑的居多；有的還需要一點英文閱讀能力。取笑的對象是工程師的個性(笑話13和8)以及他們的思考模式(笑話2和15)。序號是每個笑話在原文中的排列次序；為了引起大家看下去的興趣。我把「搞笑量」比較高的幾個放在前面。請慢慢欣賞。
17 Hilarious Engineer Jokes for All You Nerds Out There
Guaranteed to effect an erection
Glenn M Stewart, The Knowledge of Laughter, 10/18/24
2. Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all of her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
6. The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise!
It was an Apple.
But with extremely limited memory…
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.
11. How do software engineers change a broken light bulb?
They don’t change broken light bulbs at all. That is a hardware issue.
13. What do engineers use as birth control?
Their personalities.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight, saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
14. If you’re an optimist, the glass is half full.
If you’re a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
If you’re an engineer, the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
15. A wife asks her husband, an engineer, “Darling, can you please go to the shop and buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!”
Off he goes. Half an hour later, the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, “Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?”
“Well… they had eggs,” he replied.
8. What’s the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?
An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when talking to you, and an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when talking to you.
1. A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are on a road trip, when the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says, “Let me check the starter.”
The electrical engineer says, “Let me make sure the battery is connected.”
The software engineer says, “Before we do anything else, let’s all just get out of the car and then get back in.”
5. Three engineering students were gathered together, discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?”
4. An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes turns trying to bag it. The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the bullet’s trajectory, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum.
The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer’s pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes, he’s ready, aims, and fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician leaps in the air, shouting, “We got it!”
7. Two antennas got married — the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
9. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
10. How do you know that an engineer is having a mid-life crisis?
He swaps his pocket protector for a smartphone holster.
12. An engineer that works on robots every day is never lonely. Why?
Because they are constantly making new friends.
16. Definition of an engineer: somebody who makes precise guesswork based on unreliable data provided by people with questionable knowledge. Never wrong. Likes tables.
17. A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot-air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down, “A little help here?”
The man on the ground looks up and shouts, “You are in a hot-air balloon with no fuel. You’re about 20 feet off the ground, travelling north at roughly walking pace.”
The guy in the balloon shouts, “Are you an engineer?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Well, everything you told me is factually accurate, but it doesn’t do me any good.”
The engineer on the ground considers this and then shouts back, “Are you in management?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“You were in this predicament before I got here. I haven’t done anything, and now it’s my fault.”
18. Boudreaux goes to a new chemical plant looking for a job.
Unfortunately, the only job open is a for chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.
They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
In a half hour, Boudreaux and the other man are asked in to see the supervisor. The supervisor says, “These test results were fantastic. Some of the best answers I’ve seen. Both of you got the exact same question wrong, though. So, with that, I am going to offer the position to Bob there. Sorry, Mr. Boudreaux.”
Boudreaux says, “How come you give him da’ job if we both got the same one wrong?”
The supervisor says, “Well, because for question 12, his answer was, ‘I don’t know.’ Yours was, ‘me neither.’”
Chuck Haacker — Medium contributed this gem.
Three men are condemned to die on the Guillotine. One of them is an engineer. The first condemned is placed on the board, run under the blade, and… nothing. The blade refuses to fall! The man is released since the machine of death did not work.
They try again with the second man, but again, no matter what they did, they could not get the blade to release, forcing them to let the second man go free.
The engineer came last, but he made an unusual request: to be executed face up. His request was granted. Looking up at the blade, the engineer said, “Wait, I think I see the problem.”
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?
The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.
His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most of his students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law which, as we know you know, describes the inversely proportional relationship between the absolute pressure and volume of a gas, if the temperature is kept constant within a closed system, or some variant thereof.
One student, however, wrote the following: “First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it??
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, ‘Oh my God!’.”
The author, it is claimed, got an A+ for the answer.
Glenn M Stewart a pugilist, polemicist, Oxford Arabist, financial mastermind, international man of mystery, film producer, playwright, part-time-poet, full-time provocateur…
本文於 2025/03/26 14:15 修改第 4 次
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12個愛因斯坦冷笑話 -- David Graham
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2025/03/29 17:00 推薦0 |
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「冷」字在此指：讀者要懂那麼一丁點兒物理和「相對論」，才會領略到這些笑話的可「笑」之處，或它們具有幽默感的門道。以下略做說明：
笑話1：「相對論」的重點之一在於：把「時間」視為三個空間向度以外的第四向度。
笑話2：海森堡提出量子力學有名的「不確定性原理」。這個笑話也可能影射兩人的關係。有興趣的朋友請參考愛海關係以及愛因斯坦和量子力學。
笑話3：如笑話1所說，在相對論中，「時空」是一個東西。
笑話4：一般人對相對論的解讀。
笑話5：帕斯考定律是帕斯考關於液體承受及分佈壓力的原則；壓力的單位是：力量/面積；在物理單位系統中以「牛頓/平方公尺」表示。
笑話7：揶揄政治家的無知。
笑話8：這個笑話的門道在於：get一字的「雙關」用法；愛因斯坦是猶太人；以及納粹屠殺猶太人的歷史三者。get在此處的兩個意思：愛因斯坦說：「你『聽懂』我說的嗎？」；希特勒聽成；「你『宰』了我嗎？」
其他5個笑話就請各位自行意會了。
12 Hilarious Albert Einstein Jokes to Brighten Up Your Day
You will find this relatively hilarious
David Graham, 01/20/25
Albert Einstein is the most famous theoretical physicist to have ever lived. Everybody knows him, but how many people have heard these amazing jokes?
You’re about to join that relatively special crowd. See what I did there. I’m sure you did. Here you go, 12 of the best Einstein jokes.
Disclaimer: some of these are relatively tricky, but find the right perspective, and the groans will follow. You have been warned.
1. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein’s office shouting… “Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!”
Einstein rolls his eyes. “It’s about time.”
2. Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “A beer for me, and a beer for my friend, Heisenberg.”
The bartender looks around and asks, “Is your friend here?”
“Well,” says Einstein, “he is and he isn’t.”
3. Einstein and his wife hit some marital issues, and so he asks what she needs from him. She says, “Two things. Space and time.”
Einstein says, “What’s the 2nd thing?”
4. A student recognises Einstein on a train and asks him if he is going to New York. Einstein replies, “No, New York is coming to me.”
5. Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he closes his eyes and starts doing so.
Pascal immediately runs away and hides. Newton, on the other hand, does not. Instead, he very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, and he draws it right in front of the place Einstein is counting. He then steps into the middle of it.
Just at that moment, Einstein reaches 10, opens his eyes and immediately spots Newton and so says, “I’ve found you!”
Newton smiles and says calmly: “You didn’t find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal.”
6. Albert Einstein gets pulled over by a police officer, who accuses him of speeding.
Einstein retorts, “But officer, I protest. Speed does not exist, it is relative.”
The officer says, “Don’t try to get smart with me. From my perspective, you were speeding and that’s what matters.”
Einstein says. “But can you prove your perspective is the right one? Sit down my friend, we shall do some maths.”
After several hours, Einstein has proven many times over that from many different perspectives, he was not speeding. Instead, the planet was speeding. Space was speeding. The policeman was speeding. The trees were speeding. The road was speeding. But still, Einstein was not finished, the sun was speeding. On and on he goes, more and more proof.
The police officer eventually stops him, and says, “What am I supposed to do with all this?”
“Read it and prove that your perspective is the right one and not mine. Else, how can you prove I was speeding?”
The officer stares at him, perplexed. “How am I supposed to do that?”
“You need to get an expert to analyse the evidence I’ve just handed you. And it just so happens, I know the perfect person. The only person in the world who can understand these equations.”
“Who?”
“Albert Einstein.”
7. Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few moments then asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein then proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
Saint Peter then sees a politician is approaching. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
The politician looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in.”
8. Einstein takes a holiday from heaven one day and visits hell, while there, he bumps into Adolf Hitler and tries to explain his relativity theory to him. When finished, Einstein says to Hitler, “Did you get me?”
“No,” replies Hitler, “you died of old age.”
9. If ever there was a joke that best explains that person who claims to know everything, it’s this one. In a debating society in which Einstein is a member, the subject of relativity comes up. Everyone assumes Einstein will stand up and explain it. However, just as he is about to, another member jumps up, and takes it upon himself to elucidate the all-absorbing scientific theory. He explains, propounds and examines the subject for an hour. When he has finally finished, again, everyone assumes Einstein will stand up and say something, but just as he is about to, another member jumps up and interjects.
“You know,” the member says, “after listening to you, I think you are really greater than Einstein. According to statistics, only twelve men in the whole world understand him, but I’m sure not even he could understand you.”
At this point, Einstein finally stands up. “You have it wrong,” he says. “I understood him perfectly. I’m surprised you did not, he was talking in a language it seems you know well.”
Surprised, the member says, “What language is that?”
“Bull zhit.”
10. A joke that proves why the stupid rule the world not the intelligent. Einstein is on a long-haul flight and gets bored, so he turns to the man next to him and says, “Let’s play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me £5. You can then ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500.”
“What’s the catch?” the man says.
“Every question must involve numbers.”
The man thinks about it for a moment but agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein goes first and asks, “What is the distance between planet Earth and Mars?”
The man, without saying a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a £5 note and hands it over. He then says, “My turn,” and asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down on four?”
Einstein spends an hour desperately trying to think of an answer, but eventually gives in and hands over £500. Irritated, he then asks, “What’s the answer then, what goes up a hill on three legs, and comes down on four?”
Without saying a word, the man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a £5 note, and hands it over to Einstein.
To finish with, a true historical tale:
11. In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to him and complained: “The questions of this year’s exam are the same as last year’s!” “True,” Einstein is reported to have said, “but this year all the answers are different.”
12. Okay, admittedly, this is true only by Internet standards, which means probably made up. However, here’s something that is not made up. Back in the 1930s, Charlie Chaplin visited Albert Einstein and his family. Of this meeting, Charlie Chaplin famously reported that Einstein’s son said the following to him, “You are popular because you are understood by the masses. On the other hand, the professor’s [Einstein’s] popularity with the masses is because he is not understood.”
Somehow that feels the truest statement ever said.
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7個修女幽默-David Graham
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2025/03/27 17:19 推薦1 |
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7 Hilariously Naughty Nun Jokes to Brighten Up Your Day
If you’re looking for a reason to smile, you’ve found the right place
David Graham,
Disclaimer: much naughty and groan-inducing nunnery ahead. You have been warned!
1. A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. (cabbie：計程車司機)
She asks him why he is staring, and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers: “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: number one, you have to be single, and number two, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
He does, and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a sex worker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
2. The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. As they have no overalls, one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!” (Blind man：瞎子；裝百葉窗的師傅)
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?”
3. A nun dies and goes to heaven where she meets God. She has been so diligent in her service, God says to her, “As a reward for a lifetime of service, you have earned the right to meet any person you want.”
The nun says, “How lovely, thank you. I would like to meet the Virgin Mary.”
God grants the nun’s request, and the nun is soon in the same room as the Virgin Mary. After spending many hours just sitting at her feet, worshipping the mother of Jesus, the nun finally finds the strength to ask a question. “May I ask, what was it like giving birth to Jesus Christ himself?”
“A bit of a disappointment, if I’m being honest,” the Virgin Mary says.
In astonishment, the nun asks, “Why?”
“I was hoping for a girl.”
4. Sister Mary and Sister Henrietta, who are both mathematical nuns, are walking back to the convent one night, when they become aware of a man. “That man has been following us for the last half an hour,” Sister Mary says. “What do you think he wants?”
Sister Henrietta says, “It’s quite logical. He wants to attack us.”
Panic starts flooding into Sister Mary. “What do we do? He’s getting closer to us by the minute. I estimate he will reach us in four minutes.”
Sister Henrietta says, “The only logical thing is for us to walk faster;” and so they start walking faster, but the man also starts walking faster.
“It’s not working,” Sister Mary says.
“Of course it’s not working,” Sister Henrietta says, “the man did the only logical thing. As we started walking faster, he did so.”
Sister Mary is now getting super panicked. “Well what do we do? At this rate, he’ll reach us in precisely 2 minutes, but we’re still over eight minutes from the convent!”
Sister Henrietta says, “What we do is the only remaining logical thing for us to do, split up. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He can’t follow us both.”
Sister Mary doesn’t like this idea, but agrees it’s the only option left, one must sacrifice themselves for the other, and so the nuns split up, and the man follows Sister Henrietta, allowing Sister Mary to make it to the convent safely.
The first thing she plans to do is to raise the alarm; however, just as she is about to, Sister Henrietta enters the convent.
Sister Mary is flooded with joy. “Thank the heavens, you made it! I was so worried about you. What happened after I left you?”
“The only logical thing happened,” Sister Henrietta says, “the man caught up with me.”
“What did you do?” Sister Mary asks, tentatively.
“The only logical thing,” Sister Henrietta says, “I lifted up my dress.”
Sister Mary is filled with horror. “What did the man do?”
“The only logical thing he could do,” Sister Henrietta says. “He pulled down his pants.”
Sister Mary is now near beyond words. “What happened next?”
“Isn’t it obvious, sister?” Sister Henrietta says.
“I’m so sorry…” Sister Mary says, virtually in tears. “I should have never left you.”
“What are you talking about?” Sister Henrietta says. “It worked out perfectly. You escaped unharmed. I escaped unharmed.”
“What? But how?” Sister Mary says.
“Simple logic. A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.”
5. Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone to be her.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone to be her.
The third says, “I want to be Sahara Pipalini..”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asks.
“Sahara Pipalini,” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” (doesn’t ring a bell：聽都沒聽過)
The nun then takes an English newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.” (laid：lay的過去式和過去分詞；lay：鋪設；做愛)
6. A new young nun arrives at the convent and, as with all new nuns, she is assigned to help the other nuns in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
She notices, however, that all of the nuns are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new nun goes to the elderly male priest in charge to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up, and so the error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The elderly male priest says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the convent where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, the young nun, who by now is getting worried, goes downstairs to look for him.
She sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, “We forgot the “R”, we forgot the “R”.”
The young nun, in astonishment at what she is seeing, asks the elderly male priest, “What’s wrong, father? Are you okay?”
With a choking voice, the elderly male priest replies, “The word is celebrate. The word is celebrate.” (celebrate：慶祝；celibate：不做性交行為；因宗教信仰而獨身或不做性交行為)
本文於 2025/03/27 17:19 修改第 1 次
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