The best way to win an argument          

Neurohacks, BBC Future, 05/21/14

How do you change someone’s mind if you think you are right and they are wrong? Psychology reveals the last thing to do is the tactic we usually resort to.

You are, I'm afraid to say, mistaken. The position you are taking makes no logical sense. Just listen up and I'll be more than happy to elaborate on the many, many reasons why I'm right and you are wrong. Are you feeling ready to be convinced?

Whether the subject is climate change, the Middle East or forthcoming holiday plans, this is the approach many of us adopt when we try to convince others to change their minds. It's also an approach that, more often than not, leads to the person on the receiving end hardening their existing position. Fortunately research suggests there is a better way – one that involves more listening, and less trying to bludgeon your opponent into submission.

A little over a decade ago Leonid Rozenblit and Frank Keil from Yale University suggested that in many instances people believe they understand how something works when in fact their understanding is superficial at best. They called this phenomenon "the illusion of explanatory depth". They began by asking their study participants to rate how well they understood how things like flushing toilets, car speedometers and sewing machines worked, before asking them to explain what they understood and then answer questions on it. The effect they revealed was that, on average, people in the experiment rated their understanding as much worse after it had been put to the test.

What happens, argued the researchers, is that we mistake our familiarity with these things for the belief that we have a detailed understanding of how they work. Usually, nobody tests us and if we have any questions about them we can just take a look. Psychologists call this idea that humans have a tendency to take mental short cuts when making decisions or assessments the "cognitive miser" theory.

Why would we bother expending the effort to really understand things when we can get by without doing so? The interesting thing is that we manage to hide from ourselves exactly how shallow our understanding is.

It's a phenomenon that will be familiar to anyone who has ever had to teach something. Usually, it only takes the first moments when you start to rehearse what you'll say to explain a topic, or worse, the first student question, for you to realise that you don't truly understand it. All over the world, teachers say to each other "I didn't really understand this until I had to teach it". Or as researcher and inventor Mark Changizi quipped: "I find that no matter how badly I teach I still learn something".

Explain yourself

Research published last year on this illusion of understanding shows how the effect might be used to convince others they are wrong. The research team, led by Philip Fernbach, of the University of Colorado, reasoned that the phenomenon might hold as much for political understanding as for things like how toilets work. Perhaps, they figured, people who have strong political opinions would be more open to other viewpoints, if asked to explain exactly how they thought the policy they were advocating would bring about the effects they claimed it would.

Recruiting a sample of Americans via the internet, they polled participants on a set of contentious US policy issues, such as imposing sanctions on Iran, healthcare and approaches to carbon emissions. One group was asked to give their opinion and then provide reasons for why they held that view. This group got the opportunity to put their side of the issue, in the same way anyone in an argument or debate has a chance to argue their case.

Those in the second group did something subtly different. Rather that provide reasons, they were asked to explain how the policy they were advocating would work. They were asked to trace, step by step, from start to finish, the causal path from the policy to the effects it was supposed to have.

The results were clear. People who provided reasons remained as convinced of their positions as they had been before the experiment. Those who were asked to provide explanations softened their views, and reported a correspondingly larger drop in how they rated their understanding of the issues. People who had previously been strongly for or against carbon emissions trading, for example, tended to became more moderate – ranking themselves as less certain in their support or opposition to the policy.

So this is something worth bearing in mind next time you're trying to convince a friend that we should build more nuclear power stations, that the collapse of capitalism is inevitable, or that dinosaurs co-existed with humans 10,000 years ago. Just remember, however, there's a chance you might need to be able to explain precisely why you think you are correct. Otherwise you might end up being the one who changes their mind.

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20140521-the-best-way-to-win-an-argument

What Did I Say? 3 Communication Mistakes that End Relationships

Babble.com, 04/02/13

Here's something I didn't know: according to experts, 93% of human communication is non-verbal. But the 7% of our communication that is verbal is so essential to forming and maintaining positive bonds with others that when you're speaking to those you love, you must make sure you're not making these common mistakes that can bring otherwise healthy relationships to an end.

1.     You stop telling the whole truth.

The love experts at YourTango call this the "lie of omission." You know what a lie of omission is. You haven't lied about something going on in your life or something you did, you just haven't come clean about it, either. Relationship coach Virginia Clark says, "If something is important you need to tell your partner the truth; even if your voice shakes and you're scared. More often than not the anticipation of [your partner's] reaction will be worse than the experience itself. When you withhold a truth it's like you have a "secret" you're keeping that can't help but create a sense of distance and separation between you."

2. You stop being kind.

Clark says, "This is a slippery slope that people fall into when they're over the "honeymoon phase." It's rightfully said that "familiarity breeds contempt," meaning we hurt the ones closest to us because they're there! It's easy to forget that your lover who you now know so well is very vulnerable and sensitive to your reactions." Oh God, so true! And, of course, if one partner starts to get mean it's so easy for the other to respond in kind because they're hurt. Clark says, "If you're being cruel, using words like "stupid" or "lazy," you'll make an imprint on that person's heart that can't be erased. If you belittle or berate each other you'll develop a thick skin; it will not only protect you from hurtful words but it will keep out the love you're longing for." REMEMBER THIS.

Related: 11 mistakes I made that nearly ended my marriage

3. You stop fully listening to your partner.

Clark says, "Many good relationships fall apart because someone wanted to be right rather than happy. An open mind requires you to stop judging your partner and stop making them wrong. How often have you changed your mind because someone told you you're wrong? That kind of persuasion never works." Diplomacy and respect is key, whether you're talking about a romantic relationship, a friendship or a work relationship. It's also worth mentioning that all of these rules apply to relationships between parents and children as well.

By Carolyn Castiglia

Follow Carolyn on Babble

For 10 things NOT to say to someone getting a divorce, visit Babble!

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http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/did-3-communication-mistakes-end-relationships-204500369.html

The 10 Habits that Keep Marriages Strong

The key to wedded bliss isn't over-the-top romance, but these surprisingly simple practices you can do to stay - or fall back - in love with your partner.

Holly Corbett, REDBOOK, 11/02/12

Not trying to change each other (不要試改變對方)

Maybe you wish he folded his socks, or that he would chat it up with your friends without prompting. But, his inability to notice hair in the sink may stem from the laid-back personality that drew you to him in the first place. "One of the things we see with happy couples is that they know their partner's differences, and have pretty much stopped trying to change the other person," says Darren Wilk, a certified Gottman Couples Therapist with a private practice in Vancouver, British Columbia. "Rather than trying to fight their partner's personality style, they instead focus on each other's strengths." To better understand how to tap into both of your best qualities, take this quick relationship personality quiz.

Framing your demands as favors (用請求語氣而不是要求語氣)

Whether you want him to unload the dishwasher more often or pay closer attention to the kids, your partner will be more likely to change his behavior if he feels like he'll get relationship brownie points. "Throw it out there like a favor. Present it like 'here is the recipe for what will make me happy,' because everyone wants to make their partner feel happy," says Wilk. "When you present your needs, present them as what you do want rather than what you don't want." Instead of saying, "I hate when you have to have everything scheduled," try saying, "I would love to have a day where we can just be spontaneous."

Vocalizing your appreciation (經常按個讚)

Giving your partner positive reinforcement sounds like a no-brainer, but couples often forget to do it. "Relationship expert Gottman's research found that in everyday life, happy couples have 20 positive moments - such as a shared look, compliment, or affectionate touch - to every negative moment," says Wilk. Tell him something positive three times a day, and be specific. Instead of saying, "You're a good dad," tell him why. "You're a good dad because you helped our daughter with that puzzle, which I never would have had the patience to do."

Focusing on the positive (正面思考)

"Unhappy couples are stuck in a negative state of mind," says Wilk. "You will always find what you look for. If you look for stuff that bugs you and that your partner is doing wrong, you will find it every day. If you look at what your partner is doing it right, you'll find it everyday." It's a choice to flip your mindset, so when you find yourself getting annoyed, visualize something he does that makes your heart flutter to halt the negative thought circuit.

Taking trips down memory lane (共同懷念美好時光)

"Happy couples tend to rewrite history by glossing over the bad stuff and focusing on the happy times," says Wilk. By reliving memories out loud to your partner, it actually changes your mindset, and how you view him and think about your relationship. Try this exercise whenever your feel your relationship needs a boost: Go over the highlights of when you were first dating, or rehearse the best moments of your relationship (such as the day you had an impromptu picnic in the park during your lunch hour, or that surprise anniversary date he took you on) to uncover buried memories.

Never siding with the enemy (永遠支持對方)

"Sometimes what affair-proofs relationships is simply being there when your partner needs to vent, and having their back without trying to fix the problem," says Wilk. "People want someone to listen to them." The key is to be supportive, and never take the side of the person he's venting about - even if you can see where that person is coming from. For example, if he is upset that his boss took away a contract and gave it to someone else in the office, now is not the time to say, "Well, maybe you didn't put your best effort in." Right now he needs his feelings validated, and to hear you say, "That must have been really hard." Happy couples know when to bite their tongues.

Not getting too comfortable (競競業業的維護關係)

Trust, security, and commitment are key elements in any relationship, but having them doesn't mean you can treat your relationship as rock-solid, and stop trying. "Relationships are a fragile ecosystem, and that's why there is a 50 percent divorce rate," says Wilk. "Happy couples keep dating, telling each other they look great, and doing things together."

Having rituals of connection (經常兩人同在一起)

"It's not only about having a date night, but happy couples seem to do a lot of mundane things together," says Wilk. "They have little habits that they decide to do together, whether it be sitting down to pay the bills once a month or folding laundry." We say, anything to make that pile of dirty clothes feel more manageable.

Knowing your partner's calls for attention (關注對方需要關懷的訊號)

Happy couples are mindful of those little moves their partners do for attention. When Gottman's team studied 120 newlyweds in his Love Lab, they discovered that couples who stayed married six years later were paying attention to these bids for connection 86 percent of the time, compared to only 33 percent of the time for those who later divorced. So look out for the little things, and respond to his need to connect. Like if you're grocery shopping and he casually mentions that he hasn't had Fruit Loops since he was a kid, throw them in the cart for him to show that you care.

Doing the little things (在生活細節上用心)

"When it comes to relationship satisfaction, you can't just ride on the big things like, 'I don't drink, I pay the bills, I don't beat you, we went to Hawaii last year,'" says Wilk. "This stuff is not really what keeps couples happy in their daily lives." What really matters is all the small stuff that adds up, such as being there for each other when one needs to vent, or noticing when he needs a hug, or making him his favorite meal just because. "It's also giving up on the idea that you have to feel in love all the time. Marriage is about trust and commitment and knowing each other," says Wilk. "That's what love is."

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http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-habits-keep-marriages-strong-150300067.html